WELCOME TO THE SISTERHOOD OF SUPPORT

sigh

2010-09-10T15:03:00.001-07:00

Oh the drama.

On the Friday before Labor Day we sent out an email to our family members asking for them to fast and pray for us on Sunday since it was the final Fast Sunday before Erica was due. We included our birthmom Erica's parents in the email.

After our family barbecue Monday night I came home and checked email, logged onto Facebook and there right in front of my eyes were photos posted by Erica of "baby K". To say I was blindsided would have been a complete understatement.

I was guessing that she'd had the baby earlier that day, so I called her parents (remember that they are some of our closest friends since before our daughter was ever born) to get more info.

Erica's dad's response when I told him I knew? "Yeah, she had the baby Thursday. We were wondering when you'd find out." SAY WHAT?

They knew that Erica had been avoiding us for months and that she wouldn't call us to let us know. We'd sent out that email on FRIDAY asking them to join in our fast. Heck, we'd even been texting back and forth with them on the night the baby was born, and they didn't say ONE WORD???? My heart just hurt so bad because I felt absolutely betrayed by them. I mean, yes, it was Erica's responsibility to call us, but they absolutely knew she wouldn't call, and they couldn't just say, 'Erica had the baby, and we're trying to get her to call you'?

And yes, we already knew she was planning to keep the baby, so even though that hurts too, it really doesn't compare to the hurt we feel about her parents. Logically, I know that they are, after all, HER parents, but with our relationship, I expected a little bit better treatment from them. I called my mom and just sobbed for about 45 minutes straight about how hurt I was about finding out that way.

Erica called us the next morning to finally tell us what she should've told us months ago, and while I didn't talk to her, my wonderful hubby made sure that she was the one who said the words- he didn't fill in any of the blanks to make it easier for her. (But for goodness sake, girl! You're going to PARENT this child! Put on your big girl panties and call the people you've led on for the past 4 months!) He's so good with dealing with drama and he was clear about our feelings and the new boundaries we had to set in order to protect our daughter. The unbelievable thing was that she was mad that I'd called her parents instead of her after seeing the photos on Facebook, and that's only because they called her and ripped her a new one for not calling to tell us. It helped ease my hurt a little knowing that they'd called her, but I still don't know how to even talk to them about it yet.

So messed up.

The outpouring of love and support from our family members and friends has been absolutely amazing, and so far, we are hanging in there and trying to figure out what to do next.

Adoption, anyone?

2010-08-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

My friend contacted me the other day about a private adoption agency here in Utah that is looking for adoptive families. I called them and spoke to someone named Dave who was super-nice and very helpful. He mentioned that right now they are looking for adoptive couples because they have several birth-moms who haven't found the right families for their babies yet. Right now they have 10 african american birth-mothers (one of whom just placed her baby yesterday) two are due in the next two weeks and the remaining 7 are due in the next two months. The agency itself seems great (I googled them and only found one dispute with them from an out-of-state birth-father who wanted custody.), but since it is a private agency, the costs are significantly higher than LDS Family. Dave said that they are on par with the national average of between $25K to $40K. He also mentioned that they have on average about 110 placements a year and right now they only have about 40 couples in their system which means that their wait times tend to be significantly shorter than LDS Family's and range anywhere from around 2 weeks to 2 years. The name of the agency is The Adoption Center of Choice and can be found here. The phone number for adoptive parents is 801-224-2440. I don't know if they will place with adoptive couples outside of Utah, so you might want to check if you decide to call.

As for us, the latest that we hear through the grapevine is that our birthmom will be coming to Utah either right before the baby is born or right afterward so that she can buy all the baby stuff here and haul it back to Illinois with her. Bless her parents for being perceptive in knowing that she mainly wants to show the baby to her friends back here (her parents are more than ticked off at her), they told her that she could probably order most, if not all of it by mail, and that there was no reason to come. We, of course, hear nothing about it from her, even though we've talked to her several times.

And yet with loads of prayers and fasting, we've managed to find peace with the situation. We still hope she decides to place him, but if not, we know that Heavenly Father is in charge and knows what is best for our family...whatever that may be.

Don't know what to think

2010-06-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well, with the military being so accommodating (not joking), it looks as if she will be keeping the baby. She's cut off all communication with us, but is still talking to her parents. They tell us a little, but I know its hard for them to be between their friends and their daughter.

I love her and I understand her desire to keep this baby, but I wish that she hadn't asked us to adopt this one before exploring all of her options. A part of me is just so down, even though her parents think that there may still be a tiny sliver of a chance that she might place.

We're just continuing to move forward finishing our adoption paperwork and putting faith in the scripture that says that "all things will work together for your good".

Hope all is well with the rest of you!

No news

2010-06-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Nothing really to report. As per usual, we aren't hearing much from our birthmom, and when we do hear from her, she hasn't mentioned anything about the baby. We honestly don't know if this is good or bad.

We sent off another email to our caseworker yesterday asking her for some updates, so we'll probably hear back from her in the next week.

We also came across another potential issue: The Sailors and Soldiers Act. The birthfather is on inactive duty in the military and that requires us to follow some additional rules... Still checking on all of that with LDS Family lawyers.

I'll let you know more when I do.

Thanks for all of the prayers!

More information

2010-05-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's the skinny:

Mimi's adoption was one of those that was "super-open", but her birth-mom moved to Illinois this past summer when she joined the military. Due to the nature of the adoption, we've always had a good relationship with her and her family. Anyway, she called us Wednesday after her ultrasound and asked my hubby if we would adopt this one too and of course he said yes, but there are some pretty big complications, the biggest of which is the fact that Illinois adoption law is so different from Utah law. The other complication is from the birth-father who seems openly hostile toward the LDS faith in general and adoption in particular. We are worried about it even happening and trying desperately to not get our hopes up.

Tamara, if you don't mind me asking, you said that placement was a "can of worms". Mind if I ask you to share your experience? We are super concerned about placement (if she ends up having the baby there) mostly because of the birth-father's hostility. Although, the Illinois case-worker seems to think that with him living here in Utah, it would be better for her to give birth far away from him. But our caseworker gave us the info on relinquishment of parental rights in Illinois, and now I'm worried because if she does give birth there, and he does NOTHING, he has 30 days following the baby's birth to make a claim, AND the agency has to provide proof that he was notified of the adoption plan. Utah Law seems better because its 24 hours (or is it 48 now?) following the birth of the baby and his rights are terminated if he hasn't signed the birth-father registry (and you don't have to tell him about the adoption plan).

**Sigh**

I think I just need to calm down and wait for things to unfold a step at a time...

Lots of impossible stuff...

2010-05-19T15:27:00.001-07:00

Gave a talk on Mother's day in my ward. Lots of quotes from Sheri Dew and if anyone wants to read it, its located here. It is kinda long, though.

Anywho, if you do actually click on over, please be careful what you post as what I'm about to say is still pretty confidential, and I don't want my family and friends freaking out because I didn't tell them...

Erica (my daughter's birth-mom) called Monday night. She found out on Mother's Day that she is pregnant, but her fiance broke up with her about a month ago. She is FIVE months pregnant, and still unsure about what she's going to do. She's in the Navy right now, going through school (in Chicago at the Great Lakes Naval Training Center) for her specialty. She isn't going to get kicked out for being pregnant, and it kind of sounded like she's thinking about parenting, although she did tell her mom (I talked to her yesterday) that she thought we would only be interested in adopting her baby if it is a boy. (Which isn't the least bit true.)

But I need some help here. Have any of you had birth-mothers that lived out-of-state? How did you handle the distance in the relationship? Any ideas would be helpful! I hope you all are doing well!

2010-05-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

hey ladies.

just wanted to update.. it's been a week.

had my 2nd beta and it was exactly 150.. so dr. f thinks maybe 2?? ah.

i had another one drawn this past monday and it was 771 so it's still rising appropriately and we'll now just wait for heartbeat(s) at the end of may. thanks for all the well wishes, but we still have so FAR to go before we quit worrying. but once again, dr. f is AMAZING. 2 for 2.

ash

.ivf #4.

2010-05-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

hey ladies...

not sure who still reads this, but we did start the adoption process while we were pursuing our 4th ivf (2nd with SIRM). i'm happy to report that our first beta at 7dp5dt or 11 dpo was 52. we are pretty excited but still VERY aware that this could end up like last time. last cycle my first beta was 5, so 52 is a significant improvement and dr. f said if it's over 150 tomorrow that we may be having 2 :) we'll see tomorrow. hope you are all doing well.

oh, and we have 4 frosties! crazy how a different dr can improve the outcome so much!

.let's talk about adoption.

2010-03-11T23:29:00.000-08:00

hey ladies. it's me again. i really need your help now. i'm not sure if any of you know, but i actually miscarried last week...i know, ugh. and my dr. doesn't feel like we'll get much better results with another ivf... i think we'll still do one more in vegas cause we paid for it, but we are FOR SURE beginning the adoption process. and as i have prayed about adoption...i haven't felt peaceful about starting it, until this past sunday. my husband and i now KNOW that heavenly father is preparing the way for a baby to come to us and we want to listen. i'm almost sure we'll be using LDSFS so any ladies that have tips and info about how to make this smooth. i have requested the info packet and will attend the orientation in april...but are there other things i can be doing with our house, or with the profiles, etc?? we're SO excited... i finally feel normal again...and not so broken?

love you all.

.2nd beta.

2010-02-25T07:16:00.001-08:00

so the results of the "real" 2nd beta is 26. i guess i really am pregnant. thanks for all the support ladies. but don't worry, i will never forget the heartache and can always be a listening ear. good luck everyone with everything you're doing..keep us updated.

ashley

.update.

2010-02-24T14:41:00.000-08:00

so i'm like, SUPER impatient. and was worrying all day yesterday about my "low beta"..so what did i do. i called dr. f to get him to order a blood test for today AND tomorrow, instead of waiting til tomorrow. he complied...he appeased me. so, i had my blood drawn today and my beta is now 10!! so it doubled in 24 hours. i'm ecstatic.. dr. f. is THE MAN...

thanks everyone for the nice comments and i'll keep you updated.

ashley o

.holy moly.

2010-02-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

hey ladies. i keep checkin' this blog and it's pretty "quiet" and i wanted to get your opinion on this. so i just finished my 3rd ivf, first one with new RE in vegas. i loved my experience with SIRM and hope that what i found out today really means i'm pregnant! help me out guys.

so SIRM does your first beta at 8dp3dt (about 4 days earlier than most) and i just got my results ... beta = 5. so TECHNICALLY it's positive, but i know it's low, even for 8dp3dt. what do you guys think? too early to get excited? i hope not. i did have a positive hpt today but it's SOOOO faint. i just hope this isn't a chemical. that will suck.

HI THERE!!!!!!

2010-02-20T19:42:00.001-08:00

My long lost friends how are all of you??? I have missed you all so much and feel so bad I have not kept up on this blog better!!!! Life has been so busy but I think of all of you often. Alena, Welcome, Kerith I miss reading your blog. How is every one, what are you all up to, how is the fertility process coming along for each of you? I would LOVE to hear how you are all doing and see where everyone is at in the process. PLEASE PLEASE post some updates. LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Love, Kim

Kerith, WHERE ARE YOU????

2010-02-03T11:07:00.001-08:00

Does anyone know how to get a hold of Kerith? She dropped her blog and I don't have any way to contact her. If any of you have an email address for her (or if by chance Keri herself is reading this) could you email me at skiballswife at hotmaildotcom?

Thanks so much ladies!

.insurance for infertility petition.

2009-12-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

hey y'all.

i don't know if any of you have seen this, but i put a button on my blog and emailed a bunch of people. it is a petition to get insurance companies to cover infertility. since money should NOT stand in the way of having a family.

it would be awesome to get tons of people to sign it. it may not help us, but hopefully it can help others in the future to not have to bear such a financial burden..as if the heart-wrenching pain of infertility is not enough. love you all.

here is the link.

www.petitiononline.com/FI200507/petition.html

Dr. Richards

2009-12-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

Dr. Richards was Dr. Andrew's Endochronesiologist (i don't know how to spell it, but that means he is the man in the lab. VERY IMPORTANT POSITION. As they are really the ones who make embroys fertilize and mature appropriately.) before Dr. Andrews got in trouble. Now Dr. Richards has a new partner from LA who travels to Utah every other month to perform IVF procedures. Other than the retrieval and implantation, Dr. Richards does everything else.

Dr. Richards is in American Fork at Center for Advanced Reproductive Medicine Inc. 801-756-4313. His success rate with the last group was 8 out of 11 got pregnant and 2 of the 3 had frozen embryo they were going to try again with. My neighbor Dustin and Valerie Zwanitzer used him a couple years ago and really enjoyed their experience and it was successful.

His new partners is Dr. Richard Marrs. You can read about him online at ww.lainfertility.com - there is a ton of info on him and he quite a reputation. America's leading Reproductive Specialist. 1st IVF baby. Founded the National Reproductive Society.

If you are interested, call Dr. Richards first b/c Dr. Marrs offers clients Dr. Richards recommends special pricing. His Utah pricing of IVF is $7k and my friends say they spent less than $10k on the whole procedure including drugs - so I am assuming the drugs will add a couple thousand at the most. And some insurances are covering all medication cost. In fact, my friends insurance paid 30% of their entire IVF. Anyone needing ICSI would have to travel to LA, b/c Dr. Richards does not have the appropirate technology here in Utah. He quoted me $8800 for IVF in LA (not including cost of drugs, or ICSI, or travel - but keep in mind Dr. Heiner just quoted me $1300 for IVF, $1500 for ICSI, $1500 for retrieval of sperm - a special procedure we have to do to get my husbands's guys out, + cost of drugs).

Hope this helps. This is an option, I am and would definitely consider! Good luck to you all!!

Lots of love - addie

IVF and Adoptive Mom

2009-12-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Michele and this is my first time posting here. I am a mom to 2 kids. My son was conceived through IVF and will be 2 in January. My daughter was adopted through Heart to Heart Adoptions and will turn 1 in February.

We did our IVF at the U of U with Dr. Mark Gibson. We were very lucky that we had a successful outcome, because when it came to transfer, we only had one embryo left, and that led to our sons pregnancy. The reason I am posting here is because we are considering doing IVF again in 2010 to try and achieve one more pregnancy. I always assumed we would just go back to the U, but after reading about some of your stories on this blog, I am wondering if we should be considering more options. I have heard a little about Dr. Richards, and know he has good success rates. We have female and male factor infertility though and ICSI will be necessary, so does that mean Dr. Richards is not an option for us? I read that he doesn't perform the ICSI procedure? What about mini IVF programs? Programs in Vegas and LA? I just wanted someone to give me a list of places to check out. I would GREATLY appreciate it. I had no idea that things could change so quickly, but it seems they have. We were told when we had to do IVF, that there are only 2 places in Utah to do it, U of U and St. Marks. Apparently that is not the case and I want a comprehensive list before I jump in, ya know? Any info would be nice! Thanks ladies. Best of luck to you all. Infertility is really, really hard, but the rewards in the end can be that much better because of our struggles.

our miracles.

www.johnandmichele.blogspot.com

.need help.

2009-11-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

hey girls.

i know most of you don't really post much on this sight, but i'm hoping that you're still checking it a little. we just found out our 2nd attempt at ivf failed like the 1st one did. we are officially done with ivf for now and are moving to adoption. we would LOVE some tips, pointers, and advice as to where and how to begin the process. i think we're set on lds family services...but are open to stories about other agencies. thanks so much.

ash

Just a Head Up

2009-10-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't shared a ton about my story because by the time this blog started I had two newborns and infertility was the last thing on my mind! I would like to let you guys know about my doctor.

I went to Dr. Larry Andrew in Springville, Utah. We had some friends that recommended him and we were moving to Payson so we thought we'd give him a try. We had previously tried for four years and had done 6 IUIs. From the minute we went into his office he diagnosed me and my husband more quickly and correctly than any other doctor. He was very organized, clear, and was straight about our options. He had a great course of action and explained things very clearly. He had everything he needed in his office to do IVF and ICSI. His embryologist was great. The only thing they didn't offer at the time was the ability to freeze and store eggs, but he had a colleague that would do that for you.

We decided to do IVF with him because of his knowledge and his price was so great. It was $10,000. Our first cycle went well and we got pregnant only to find it was ectopic. Sadly, we had to miscarry. We moved onto adoption because our first boy was adopted and it was cheaper. Because we had met our deductible that year we decided to do a laparoscopy to see how severe my endometriosis was. It was something I hadn't wanted to do in the past because I hated the thought of spending the money, going into surgery, and then them saying, "You are just fine!"

A month after my surgery we heard from a friend that Dr. Andrew was doing a cheaper procedure where instead of using all the injections, blood draws, and ultra sounds which make the IVF so expensive he was doing a clomid IVF. It was only $3000. We asked him if we were good candidates and he said yes. So you basically go on clomid like you would for an IUI. When it was time you get an ultra sound and if all looks good you do an egg retrieval, 3-5 days for the egg, then the transfer. If it doesn't look good you are only out the cost of the clomid. It worked for us and we now have our Brynn. We paid an extra for $500 for ICSI both times. Although I have several factors in my infertility our main thing was we need the joining of the egg and sperm. Doing this clomid IVF was just what we needed.

While going through this procedure we found out Dr. Andrew was going through some legal battles. He was charged with forcible sex abuse from 8 patients. We had a struggle trying to decide if we wanted to continue with him. After a lot of praying we just made sure someone was always in the room with me, as well as a nurse, and figured he would not do anything while going to trial soon. We also had a really hard time believing he would do anything like that. He ended up going to jail for a year and was released and was able to practice family medicine. We just found out starting December he will be able to practice infertility again.

His new prices are $4,500 for clomid IVF (I'm not sure what he calls it) and $6,500 for IVF. ICSI is still an additional $500. The reason I tell you guys all this is he may be right for you. I know it sounds crazy to go to someone after hearing all that but I just wanted you to know about this option. I truly think he has a gift for treating infertile patients. I also know the desperation that you feel when you want children so badly. I just know that he is competent and that if we want another child we will go to him. His office number is 801-794-3670. Feel free to ask me any questions or if you look him up on google you can read some articles on ksl about his trial. I get that this could sound crazy to you but I just wanted everyone to have another option available. Good luck!

.reproductive care center vs. SIRM.

2009-10-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

hey ladies.

i need to know if any of you have done ivf cycles with dr. blaur or heiner at reproductive care center.? and what your experience was like.

and, has anyone looked into SIRM in Las Vegas.. i've heard such good things about them and they have money back guarantees with all ivf cycles (even if you're just doing one).

thanks

ash

.i guess i'm the only one here.

2009-09-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

well, i guess i'll just keep getting up on this soap box... and everyone can listen.. today was, by far, the worst day of my life. (sort of an exaggeration) but my dr. just called and told me that ZERO of our eggs fertilized. they believe it is an enzyme/receptor problem in which we will need icsi for. if that even works at all. dr richards doesn't have icsi here because they like to keep the costs down and not purchase the big equiptment.

anyway, this $9500 is down the toilet, and if we want to try again we'll have to travel to LA to have icsi done.

i'm just sad.

2009-09-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

well, not such fabulous news here. i had my scan last monday and they said i only had like 4 follicles that would be ready in time for ER. they upped my dose of meds and i had another scan today. only 5. for my age, they say that i may be someone that has diminished ovarian reserve.. not what i wanted to hear, but at LEAST that's some sort of diagnosis, and i'm not crazy for trying ivf. we are still on for monday ER, but we will not have NEARLY as many eggies as we had planned. i'd love for one or two to be great...but i'm cautiously hopeful. going to the temple to pray about it tomorrow, but just wanted to say thanks again.

anyone have problems with ovarian response or reserve??

.we're doin' it.

2009-09-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

IVF that is.

my hubby and i have prayed and prayed about it, and we finally decided to do it. it's been a scary realization that this may not work even after the money is gone. but that's the least of my worries. i'm happy that we're almost to our retreival date. it's been a long haul with all sorts of emotions involved. i LOVE the drs we're seeing, they are one in a million...and brilliant.

anyway, just wanted to say thanks for all the support. our retrieval date is going to probably be next monday the 21st. but we'll see. i have been on bcps, lupron, bravelle, and menopur. i go in for a follicle scan and bw tomorrow. best of luck to everyone on thier journey. if this doesn't work, we're moving onto adoption. thanks again.

ash

The Story Of Lia....

2009-09-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

So I am finally getting around to telling the story of Lia. As most of you know we have two boys that we have been blessed with through adoption. We put papers in for the first time after years of fertility and in Jan. of 2003 we received our first miracle (Cade) in August of 2003. We were so happy we didn’t have to wait forever like we thought we would. We decided to put our papers back in Dec. 2004 knowing that it could take a long time to get a second. We were chosen Nov. 2005 and received our second miracle (Jake) Feb. 2006. We felt so blessed to have two boys only 2 ½ years apart and knew it was truly a miracle to have our family. Jon and I always felt that we should adopt two and then maybe look into doing IVF. So that is what we did. In Dec. 2007 we made the huge decision to do IVF. It was NOT easy to open that door again but we met with our Dr. in Feb. 2008 and did our IVF April-June 2008. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and the result was heartbreaking for us and our families. It was not easy to open our hearts to fertility again and to fail once again was almost more than I could bare. I remember sitting on the couch the day we found out it didn’t work feeling sad and confused but at the same time an incredible amount of peace. I felt in my heart that the Lord had a reason for our IVF not working. Over the next year we tried to move on but a piece of me felt lost. No matter what I did I could not fill the void I felt in my life. I felt so alone and betrayed and wondered why I had to endure another heartbreaking experience with infertility. All I ever wanted was a family and it did not feel fare that I could not have what others seemed to have so easily. Although I was EXTREMELY grateful to have my boys my family felt incomplete. As hard as I tried to have faith and move forward my heart ached. It really took me a long time to pull myself together. I couldn't understand Heavenly Fathers plan and wondered why he had promised me another child if it wasn't really meant to be. I tried to tell myself "maybe in the next life"? But I wasn't asking about the next life I was asking about now!!! Finally after LOTS of soul searching, prayer, family support and faith in Heavenly Father I was able to be content with the void I felt. I came to accept Heavenly Fathers plan for me and believed in him again. I knew that somehow some way Heavenly Father would fulfill his promise of another child. I had put myself out there and had done all I could do the rest was up to him. We had put our papers in for adoption through LDS family services in Nov. 2008 but felt that it would take years if it ever happened at all. I really never thought in a million years we would be chosen again. We told everyone we knew we were hoping to adopt. We put together an adoption blog and had all our friends and family put the link on their blog hoping that somehow some way the right person would find us. We planned on waiting a long time and just felt blessed to have our boys. One afternoon I got a phone call from our case worker telling us there was a Birth Mother in the hospital with pre-term labor at 27 weeks. She asked if we were okay with them showing our file to her. Of course we said YES. I couldn’t get the situation off of my mind. They had told us it was a girl and that was really exciting to think we could have a little girl. I tried not to think about it too much realizing we were only one of the couples being shown to her. I was in Target and couldn’t help but take a look at all the cute girl stuff. Before I knew it my whole cart was full. I hurried and bought it all before I could talk myself out of it. When I got home I couldn’t believe what I had done and quickly put it away in the closet and told myself I would take it back. Well a week later we heard from our case worker again and this time she had GREAT news. She told us that the Birth Mother had looked through all the files and wanted to meet with only us. She felt a strong connection with us but wanted to meet with us in person before she announced she had chosen us. So we met with them that Sat. The meeting we had with her and Lia’s Birth Father was amazing!!!! From the second we walked into the room we felt the spirit so strong and knew without a doubt this was right. We knew her and the Birth Father felt it too. The next day was Mothers Day and when we got home from church we got an email from them asking us to call. So I called Amanda wondering and hoping for the best. She first told me Happy Mother’s Day and then went on to tell me that she had prayed about us again after our meeting and that her and Jason both knew without a doubt this baby was ours. She expressed how she had always known that the baby was meant for someone else but didn’t know how on earth she could place her. She said she knew the second she found us that this was Heavenly Fathers plan. All I could do was cry and give Jon thumbs up. We talked for just a minute and then hung up the phone. Jon and I just kind of sat there in disbelief knowing how wonderful this news was and what it meant for our little family. We quickly called our families and told them all the good news. Everyone was so excited for us and I couldn’t have received a more wonderful Mothers Day gift. So many of my Mothers Days in the past were filled with sorrow and to have such wonderful news on that day meant the world to me. Amanda was able to go home from the hospital on bead rest for the next several weeks. Over that time we developed and very sweet relationship. She has three children of her own so we had a different connection both being mothers. The weeks following were not easy and there were lots of ups and downs but Amanda was so strong through it all. How she did it being on bed rest with three children I will never know, but she did it. She was scheduled to have a C-section on the 10th of July. Her plan was to have us there for the birth and then spend four days in the hospital and take her home for two days making placement July 17th. So we were counting down the weeks and doing all we could do to support her. Wed. June 24th we got a phone call telling us that our little Lia was born. Amanda had gone in for a check up and was sent right to the hospital for an emergency C-section. So we were not able to be at the birth which was sad, but all that mattered is that Amanda and Lia were okay. That Sunday they were discharged and she called to tell us that because she was not able to spend time with her she was going to take her home for a week. We did the only thing we could do and told her that sounded great and that we supported her. We really did support her decision because we love her but it was NOT easy for us. Amanda was so sweet and called us several times to reassure us she was not going to change her mind. I don't know how she was able to give us so much love and support durring that week but she was so good to us. She is truley such an amazing, sweet, courageous person. We met that next Monday and she placed her sweet baby girl in our arms. It was the most amazing day of our lives knowing she was the missing peace and that now our family was complete!!! I know it was the hardest thing Amanda will ever do and through it all she had such a peace about her. She is truly the most courageous woman I have ever known. She knows what it means to be Mother and knew what she was giving up. It was an emotional day but a spiritual day. I can’t describe the peace we all felt knowing without a doubt this was the Lords plan all along. I realized why our IVF didn’t work and WHY we had to endure such heart break, it was to bring Lia into our family. It all made perfect sense!!!! Since that day I have not stopped smiling or thanking my Heavenly Father for this amazing miracle. Most of all I feel humbled and honored to be a part of such an amazing process. Never did we think it was possible to adopt three children all through LDS family services, but here we are. I know there are so many asking how in the world are they so lucky? I really don’t know the answere, but I can say Jon and I have done EVERYTHING in our power to have a family. It has not been easy and we have had to do things we didn’t want to do and have had to put ourselves out there in every possible way. It has been a hard long road but the blessings have been amazing. I wouldn’t trade what we have been through. It has not only brought us our family but it has taught us so much, made our faith grow and shaped us into the people we are today. My hope and prayer is that the same can happen for each of you. The peace and happiness I feel right now is indescribable. Our family is complete and my heart is full. I know you all can imagine how good that feels. I know that I have many more lessons to learn and that my trials are not over, but my sweet babies are here and right now that is all that matters. I hope more than anything that all of you realize and know that it can happen to you too and to never give up on that. Have faith and know your miracle will come. The Lord has a plan for each of us and all he asks of us is to do our part and trust in him!!!!

On another note I have been so busy with my sweet baby that I have totally neglected the SOS!!! I still want this to be a sounding board for all of those who need to be heard and Validated. I think we have all been busy with summer and other things but I hope we can pick back up and make this blog GREAT. So many need our love and support and I hope that they can find it here. I have chosen not to go private hoping to reach out to as many people as possible. I need your help, PLEASE help me keep this going. I would love an update on all of you and what you have been up to. Thanks for all the support you have given me durring a time I needed it most. LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Thanks for reading my story I hope it might help some of you and give you the hope and strength to move forward.
Lots of Love, Kim

first digital scrap!!!!

2009-08-07T11:17:00.001-07:00

.ivf - sooner or later.

2009-08-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

well ladies. how've ya been? well my hubby and i had talked about waiting til january to start ivf, but we have recently felt that maybe sooner is better than later. i believe that we will be starting our first ivf cycle in november with the American Fork MD. i wrote about him and his fab success rates a few months ago. well i just had my cousin finish her first cycle with him, and they found out tonight that she is pregnant, with very high hcg levels (maybe twins?)! their success rate this group is 14 of the 15 ladies got pregnant! it just makes waiting that much harder. i'm looking forward to doing it. it is, at least, our best chance of getting pregnant, so the hope is nice for a change. i have had nothing but good things to say about these drs and if anyone would like more info, let me know. plus, they keep the costs very reasonable compared to their competitors. thanks for listening.

GOING PRIVATE

2009-07-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

Okay girls here is the deal,

We have had some crazy people looking at this blog and it is making me feel very uncomfortable. We all have very personal information on here and it make me nervous to think anyone could read it. So I have made it so only we as authors can view this blog. It makes me sad because I would love for more people to be able to view it. In today's world we can not be too trusting. Besides I want this to be a place that we can share our feelings with out having to defend our selves. Please keep spreading the word and if someone would like an invite have them contact me at kim.jon@hotmail.com.

On another note I wanted to let you all know that we have had the AMAZING opportunity of adopting a baby girl. For those of you who don't know we adopted our two boys, did IVF last June that did not work, put our papers in realizing it would take years and hear we are 6 months after approval with a sweet baby girl. When I have more time I will post the whole story. As of right now I am sleep deprived, busy with three kids, still adjusting and LOVING every minute of it. Love you all and hope you know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

INTRODUCING OUR SWEET Lia Diane

Again thanks to all those who make this blog so wonderful. I started it but you keep it going and for that I am sooooo grateful. Let me know what you all think about going private. I really do think it will be better for us all!

Lots of Love, Kim

.joy.

2009-07-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

hello ladies.
these past few months have been the months of confusion for my hubby and i. we have been dealing with the infamous decision of ivf vs. adoption vs. just waiting. needless to say, it has been torture. it's such a hard choice because it involves so much emotion and obviously money. we have had a hard time feeling like there is ONE right choice and we are lost as to what heavenly father wants us to do. as we fast and pray for answers, we are empowered by the fact that heavenly father doesn't want us to be sad. i had a eye-opening lesson in RS today, it was on joy. the lesson focused on having joy despite our trials and tribulations. as it seems SO hard to find joy in anything when you've been faced with the ugliness of infertility, i'm stregthened by the fact that i have so much to be thankful for, such as, my husband (he is my rock), the best family, great friends, and most importantly my heavenly father, who truly has a plan of happiness tailored just for me. i may find it hard to feel happy every day, but i know that i am so blessed to have what i do have. i know i will be a mother. i just don't know how or when. but i will. thanks so much for this awesome support group. love you. ashley owens

Progesterone

2009-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hey I am starting progesterone this week -- I have heard from my doc and the home health pharmacist that they are horrible! Is this true? Any suggestions on how to make them less so?

Round Four

2009-06-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's correct ladies - we are now on round 4 of our Femara + IUI, which means that I've now had three different opportunities to bite my fingernails into oblivion waiting for the 3-minute "pee-stick" results that I dread.

All negative. And made especially worse on round 2 when the RE said, "I'll be really surprised if you don't get pregnant this month." UGH.

When we went in Friday afternoon for a follicle check, things looked good- yet again- but when he told me that he couldn't figure out why it hadn't worked yet, I said something to the effect that this was why we won't do IVF (if nothing is implanting during these treatments, why spend $10,000 to make sure that a fertilized ball of cells snubs my uterus?). That sparked quite the conversation and I walked out thinking that maybe trying IVF wouldn't be such bad idea after all - even though DH and I had decided long ago that adoption was a better option for us.

I hate infertility because of the doubt that it relentlessly drips into my life, especially the doubt in my ability to receive answers to prayers.

Three cycles down, three to go, and then at least this part is over...

Unfortunately, if these treatments fail, it means that we'll face another decision: Do we attempt IVF or try for another adoption?

Can't we ever have any easy answers?

How Kiera came to our family!!

2009-06-03T08:06:00.001-07:00

I have not put a post on here for a long time and finally after two years I sat down and wrote Kiera's adoption story. It has taken along time to be able to do this. There were so many emotions involved with Kiera's adoption that every time I tried to write this I could never get it out. So finally I have it on record.

We found out that we had been chosen by Kiera's birth mother Emily on April 17, 2007 and that she was having a girl on June 9th. Dan and I were so excited to have another little girl. We met Emily and her parents and three brothers at a face to face meeting on April 20th, 2007 it was amazing and awesome and scary and spiritual. Emily was a cute little tiny 18 year old girl who was trying to make the very best decision for her unborn child. After meeting with Emily and her family for two hours, her case worker came in and told us that Nathan (the birth father) was in the lobby DEMANDING to see Emily and us, but her parents could not be there. Just to clarify....Emily wanted nothing more to do with Nathan but Nathan was bound and determined to still "HAVE" Emily. So after Emily agreed, we got to meet Nathan. Unlike Emily, he was angry and hostile and rude, not to mention he seemed unable to use any words that contained more than four letters. After meeting with Nathan for an hour he decided that he wanted to meet with just Dan and I. So we took him to Lone Star for a steak dinner. Still very hostile and angry he asked questions about both Dan and I and our back grounds. He wanted to make sure we were good enough to be parents. Now this is really funny because he himself had been in jail quite a few times for drugs, gang stuff and the list goes on and on, and at the time was on probation. But like the nice people that we are we humored him and told him our back grounds. After we told him about us he looked Dan straight in the eye and called him a sissy!!! I guess graduating from high school and college, serving a mission, and being married in the Temple are not too cool. Oh well. We left Lone Star feeling a bit uneasy because of his back ground (that he felt free to share with us), but it is what we go through to get our little angels to our family. After our face to face meeting with both Emily and Nathan we e-mailed back and forth with Emily for a couple of weeks getting to know each other and our respective families. The Saturday before mothers day is national Birth Mothers Day and so we decided to take some flowers to Emily. When we got to the agency to drop off the flowers, Emily and her parents were walking out. It was fun to see them but Emily looked like she had been drug through the mud. She tried her best to reassure us that she was fine and that life was good but we could tell that something was up. Needless to say all kinds of things were running through our head that weekend and on Sunday night we got an e-mail from Emily saying she wanted us to meet with her and her family on Monday for some ice cream so they could meet Kya. We agreed to meet with them the next evening and hoped for the best. When Emily got there she walked up to me and gave me a hug and you could tell that she had something to tell us and she was a bit nervous. Well after all the pleasantries and meeting Kya and trying to get her to talk to them (ha ha), Emily finally told us what had been happening the past week. Nathan (the birth father) had decided that he was going to fight the adoption plan so he could have sole custody of the baby!! He had gone to see a lawyer (which we later found out was only a person who worked at a law office and was not an actual lawyer), threatened Emily in person, by text, and by letter, was stalking Emily at work where he was thrown out by a co-worker once and another time taken by the police, threatened her three little brothers on their way to school, left a death treat for her Dad on his car, and here's the kicker if that is not enough.....promised to hunt Dan down and kick the @#$% out of him until he was DEAD. This was a text that was sent to Emily and thankfully she is a smart girl who saved the text and letters and gave them all to the police when she got a restraining order against Nathan. Poor Emily she had spent the last week talking to a lot of people including the police, a lawyer, her birth parent caseworker, and the head of LDS Family Services about Nathan. No wonder she was so upset. She kept telling us over and over how sorry she was that we were being drug through all of this Nathan mess and she wished that we did not have to deal with him. I felt so bad for Emily, yet through all of this, she was still set to go through with her adoption plan. Two days later our case worker called and told us that Nathan went into the agency and signed his relinquishment papers and that he was done fighting with Emily. Hip Hip Hooray!!! We are done with Nathan...at least that is what we thought at that time. Well things kind of slowed down after all of this for about three days. We got a phone call from Emily on Saturday the 19th that she and her mom thought that she was in labor. They just wanted us to know so that when it was time to go to the hospital we would be ready. Dan, Kya, and I were all packed and ready to go to Chicago on the 21st with our plane tickets in hand. After Dan hung up the phone with Emily, Dan called his boss and told him what was going on and that he would not be able to go to Chicago that week. I was on the phone with the airlines canceling our flights and we were all running around crazy excited. Wow we were going to have our baby soon!!!!!!!!!! That same night Emily called us and told us she had been talking with her doctor and that she was going to try and sleep at home and maybe the contractions would stop or slow down. Emily's due date was still three weeks away so her doctor did not seem to think that she would go that early. Emily did make it through the night but called us at 8:45 am and told us that she was going down to the hospital and asked us to meet her there. We dropped everything and went to the hospital. Kya was dropped off at grandma's house on the way. When we were at the hospital, we got to hear Kiera's heart beat on the monitor and watch the monitor every time Emily had a contraction. It was all very exciting and something that I never thought I would get to do....I heard my baby's heart beat and saw her in the ultrasound. I was very emotional but managed to hold it together :). After five hours at the hospital the nurses did not think that Emily's contractions were progressing enough to keep her at the hospital. They had been three minutes apart for the last eight hours and she had not dilated any in the time she was at the hospital. They gave her a shot for the pain and said if you are in true labor then we will see you back soon, if you are not this shot will stop the contractions and we will see you in a few weeks. We walked out the door with Emily at 2:00 pm and she promised to call if and when anything happened. We got our phone call from Emily at 6:00 pm that same night and she was heading back down to the hospital with more intense and painful contractions. So off we went again. When we got down there, Emily told us that they had already checked her and that she had dilated 2 cm so she was on her way!!!!! When we all got settled in Emily asked if we wanted to come and watch Kiera being born. I thought that would be awesome. Dan on the other hand was about ready to pass out. He did say yes to her and then she asked him to cut the umbilical cord. I seriously thought he was going to go down for the count. The color actually drained from his face and he had to sit down for that. Luckily, Emily's mom saw all of this too and she interrupted Emily with a question to give Dan a minute to compose himself. Surprisingly he said that he would do it. We hung out all evening with her and her family and met some friends and we just had a grand old time. At 10:30 pm the resident OB/GYN came in and said that they thought there was a problem and that they were going to do another ultrasound. They found out that Kiera was in the breech position and coming butt first. They then prepared Emily for an Emergency C-section. They gave her a few minutes to wrap her head around this and to receive a blessing from her dad and Dan and away she went. I have never seen a more relieved man than Dan knowing that he would not have to cut the umbilical cord. I on the other hand was a bit sad that I was not going to be able to watch Kiera being born. Kiera was born at 11:45 pm and was 6 lbs. 11 oz. Emily's mom got to hold her right after she was born while they stitched Emily up. As soon as Kiera was cleaned and taken care of the nurse brought her into Emily's room and walked over to me and said that Emily wanted me to hold her first and to feed her her first bottle.

WOW was all I could think to say and then there I was holding my sweet little Kiera just minutes after she was born and feeding her. What a moment. Between my tears and all the camera flashes I don't think I even saw Kiera, but I most assuredly felt her in my arms.
We left the hospital about 1:30 am and drove home with huge smiles on our faces. We were floating on cloud 9. We picked Kya up at my mom's house and tried to sleep the rest of the night. The next morning Emily called and asked us to come back down to the hospital and to bring Kya with us so that she could meet her new sister.

We got to the hospital around 1:00 pm and had a really great time. It was awesome. The nurses were all so great and supportive of the situation and handled the awkwardness of walking into the room and looking between Emily and myself not knowing who to call MOM!!!! I just need to interject here with a bit on Emily's mom Janice. She was always calling Dan and I the mom and dad. She never encouraged Emily to call herself mom, and she never let the nurses call her mom. Janice was absolutely the solid foundation that Emily needed. Well the day was perfect until Emily's case worker walked in at 7:00 pm and had the most horrified look on her face. Emily's first question was "What did Nathan do?" The case worker told us that at 4:55 pm Nathan went and signed the putative fathers registry, which means that he is fighting for custody. We were all horrified, but Emily's mom and dad just about went through the roof. Poor Emily just sat there in the hospital bed with tears running down her face. Dan was holding Kiera and I looked at him and I could see the same sinking feeling that I was feeling. The first thing I thought was " what am I going to do...I love this baby already and she is mine" I politely excused myself from the room and walked as fast as I could away from that room because I could feel myself losing control of my emotions. I could not stop the tears and I knew for sure that I did not want Emily feeling even worse. After I regained my composure and knew for sure that I was not going to loose my lunch again I called our case worker and she told me that they already knew what was going on and that they were working on a plan of action. She and her boss wanted Dan and I to come into the agency the next day and meet with them. I finally went back into Emily's room and Dan was not looking so good so I took Kiera from him and he walked out for a minute. Finally Janice (Emily's mom) asked if it would be ok if a nurse came and took Kiera back to the nursery so that she did not have to be in there with all the tension. We agreed that was a good idea. Emily's dad called a friend that was a lawyer and he told him that Nathan didn't have a leg to stand on but it might be a good idea to find a lawyer who specializes in adoptions and talk with them. We left the hospital at 8:00 pm and drove home. It was the longest drive of my life. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep and forget about stupid Nathan. All the way home Kya kept asking us when is my sister coming home, I want her to sleep in my room with me and play with my toys, I love my sister she is so cute. I cried the entire ride home my heart was breaking because we did not know what was going to happen with Kiera and now Kya was emotionally connected to Kiera and how do you explain to a three year old that she may or may not have a sister. Well the next morning came and Dan and I were like zombies. We moved but said little, we breathed but just barley. This next part I hate to admit but Kya pretty much took care of herself. She got up and dressed herself, she would get in the pantry and snack on all the snack foods we had bought to take to Chicago when ever she was hungry. Lucky for us, she is great at self entertaining. At 10:00 am we went to the agency and met with our case worker, the head adoption worker, the agency director and the Utah director for LDS Family services. While we were there we consulted with two of Utah's top adoption Lawyers as well as the churches adoption lawyer. What a draining four hour meeting. We were told everything from "everything will be fine" to "it may take a few months to work this out so Kiera will go to a really great foster home until we can work it out" to "Emily may just have to keep and be a single parent". We left that meeting with a the worse case of fear and anger I have ever felt in my life. We went and picked up Kya and to this day I can not remember who she stayed with. Really we are not bad parents, we were just so distraught and had a hard time functioning. We went about the rest of that day just sitting on the couch and walking around our house occasionally. We did not even watch TV which is a big deal at our house because that was around the time that American Idol was closing in on the finale. We all went to bed early with so much dread that another day was on the horizon. We were told that we could not call Emily or the nurses to check on Kiera. We loved Kiera so much and we could not call to make sure she was doing ok. We just felt like our entire world was spinning out of our control. That next morning (Wednesday) at 7:15 am Emily called and told us that Nathan called her a 5:00 am and told her that he would sign the relinquishment papers again but it had to be today and she had to be there. She was so excited but nervous because Nathan is a BIG FAT LIAR. We called our case worker and she said that she would check things out and let us know. At 10:00 am our case worker called and told us that Nathan had promised to sign at 1:00 pm and we were to be there at the agency at 2:00 pm. Emily also wanted to sign her papers and be done with Nathan. We were excited but leery. We got to the agency and low and behold....Nathan had come in to sign his papers but got violently angry and left because Emily would not see him without her Dad present. Can you blame her? They called Nathan on his phone and talked with him and listened to him for a half an hour and he finally agreed to come back in a sign the papers on two conditions. One-Emily had to give him back all the stuff he had ever given her, and two-Emily had to meet with him but only her mom could be in the room but she could not look at him (what a dork). So Emily agreed to those stipulations and the race was on. Having had a C-section only one day earlier she was quite pale and not doing so good. She had to have special permission to leave the hospital so early any way. Oh well she was willing to jump through hoops to get Nathan out of the picture. At 4:00 pm Emily was back with all of Nathan's "Junk" and he rolled in about 4:45 pm. Now all Emily had to do was talk to him and he would sign his papers. Well Emily walked in with her mom and the first thing Nathan tried to do was convince her that she was being manipulated by Dan and I and the agency case workers just to get his baby and that he was not going to give up with out a fight. Emily got so upset and her mom just went off on Nathan. Again Nathan stormed out of the agency with promises to get a lawyer. This time the agency director followed him to his car and talked with him for a while and calmed him down. Nathan finally told the director that he wanted to sign the papers and that he needed to hurry because if he had not done it by 7:00 pm he was going to be arrested. Someone (and he would not say who) had called the police and gave him a run down on all the different things that Nathan had done and that an arrest warrant was out on him. He had until 7:00 pm and then they were going to tell the police where to find him. By this time it was 6:30 pm and the director did not care why he just ushered Nathan back to his office and gave him the papers and he signed them. Hooray!!!! After he signed them he said he had a letter and a necklace that he wanted to give to Dan for Kiera. They walked Nathan into our room and he walked over to us and gave the stuff to Dan and was out the door by 6:45 pm. After he was done, they told Emily what had happened and she told them that she wanted to sign her papers too. They were concerned about her being on pain meds (because there are laws against signing relinquishment's on medication), and she told them that she had not taken any pain meds since Tuesday night. She had gone through this whole ordeal on Ibuprofen just in case Nathan really followed through. She wanted to be clear minded so she could sign her papers too. Now that is what I call a true sacrifice. Emily signed her papers and then after she was done the agency director came in to were we had been sitting with our case worker and told us that it was all a done deal and we finally could see OUR baby and Emily, but that Emily was going to go to a hotel tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night with Kiera so that she could have some quality time without any threats or chaos. They planned for a placement on Friday at 10:00 am at the agency. Current time....7:30 pm. We had been sitting in a room at LDS family services for five and a half hours. Emily came in and was so pale and so sick that she could not walk without help from her Dad. Her mom came over and gave me Kiera and we got to hold her and talk with Emily for a little bit. Then at 8:30 pm we left one more time without Kiera, but knew she was ours now. The only thing possible that could go wrong now, was if Emily decided to run away with her. Not likely to happen, but with everything that we had already been through it was lingering at the back of my mind. The next day was spent doing things to keep our minds busy. Dan got up real early and went golfing to keep his mind from wandering...Kya and I went and got mom and daughter manicures and pedicures.

It was so much fun to do that with Kya. After we finished up with those we got home and Dan was there so we packed up and went to the park for the afternoon.
When it was time to go home we stayed busy by getting Emily some gifts for the next day. I was having a bit of anxiety that we had not heard anything for an entire day so I called our case worker and she reassured me that we were still on for tomorrow at 10:00 am. The next morning I was up at 5:00 am and got ready and was out the door by 6:00 am. I went to wal-mart to walk around and get some last minute gifts for Emily. Our case worker called my cell phone while I was in wal-mart and when I saw who was calling I started shaking and just burst into tears. Why would she call me at 7:00 am? My mind was racing. I physically could not answer the phone. I hurried and bought my stuff and left for home. I was driving down our street when Dan called (I could not answer the phone then either). When I walked in the house Dan told me that our case worker had called and that they wanted to push the placement to 11:00 am. I guess what happened was Kiera did not sleep well but was finally sleeping and Emily's mom did not want to wake her so that she could get a few hours of sleep. Emily did not sleep the entire night and was finally sleeping too. OK I can deal with that. NO worries right? Kiera's placement went off without a hitch and it was so awesome yet very emotional.
Finally we brought our baby home and we got to have our happy excited I can't stop smiling moment!!!!!!!

Hello Sister!!

And they lived happily ever after....I wish!! We heard from Nathan many many more times in the next nine months following Kiera's placement. He would threaten to talk to a lawyer, he would threaten Dan and I, he continued to threatened and stalk Emily but in the end he never had a leg to stand on. And so now......WE LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!!!!!!!

Update

2009-05-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

I just realized I hadn't updated on here in quite a while. I've been keeping track of everything on my own blog, but in case anyone was wondering:

After 14 days of shots (3 a day), we had our retrieval on Tuesday. It went ok--in my head, it could've gone better, but our RE thinks it's great. They got 10 eggs, 8 of which were mature and ICSI'd, and 5 of them fertilized normally. Tomorrow morning we're going in to have (most likely) 2 embryos transferred back to me, and hopefully freezing the other 3.

For the mean time, I'm trying to stay calm while doing my progesterone in oil shots (worse than the other ones but still not too terrible) and taking a nauseating antibiotic. I'm nervous for the transfer and praying everything goes ok. I've felt pretty calm this entire cycle, but now all I can think about is how much time, money, emotion, effort, etc. we've invested in this cycle. I have faith that it will turn out how the Lord wants, but that's not necessarily the same as what I want. Here's hoping this month is finally my turn!

.reasonable IVF.

2009-05-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

hey ladies.
i'm not quite ready for IVF, but i have a cousin and a friend who have both used a dr in american fork (dr. richard and dr. marrs) and have both had IVF there. it is almost half the price of the u or rcc. dr. marrs was trained by the guy who made the 2nd ever "test tube baby" so they are reputable. i know their IVF success rates are astronomical and they usually do your inital consultation free. has anyone had experience with these two.?? i'm NOT a fan of my new RE and i'm in the market for a new one.

ash

My Friend Tamra

2009-05-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Ladies -

It's been awhile since I have posted. I just thought I would share this blog site with you - especially for those who have children through adoption or contemplating it. This blog is written by my good friend Tamra. She is a birth mother - you may have seen her on videos or on written pamphlets at LDS Family services - anyhow she is an amazing woman and offers a lot of perspective of adoption.

Anyhow here is the blogsite: www.eachlifethattouchesoursforgood.blogspot.com

2009 Women's Conference

2009-05-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

I loved the sessions this year. There was a lot of discussion about choosing faith over fear, in addition to finding contentment no matter what your circumstance or situations may be, and there was a lot of personal experiences shared regarding the trial of infertility.

Julie Beck gave a fabulous talk friday morning (it isn't online yet). She shared a story about visiting her YW advisor before she passed away at the age of 80. And she asked her if she had a good life. Her YW leader told her, " I've had a GREAT life! .... all for except the 10 years I spend trying to create my family." Sister Beck was struck by this comment, as her YW leader had experienced 80 years of life, raised 5 adopted children, lost one child early in life, watching many loved ones pass away and the various challenges and trials anyone may have in life. Sister Beck recognized what a great source of sorrow infertility was to her dear friend and to all those who carry this burden.

I have often wondered why infertility strikes such a deep cord, and I believe it is because our divine nature to create life. As women this is our purpose and when this is challenged, there is great sorrow.

As a mother of two adopted children, the sorrow is not as great as it once was for me. As I yearn for more children in my family .... I have to admit it, I love feeling acknowledged and validated by others who get it because sometimes it feels like the only voices we hear are from those who don't get it.

Enjoy the sisterhood is such a blessing of support!

My Daily Heroin

2009-04-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's the name we've affectionately dubbed my Lupron injections. I mean, really, how often can someone say they legally, purposefully mixed up some drugs and injected themselves in an effort to get themselves something they really wanted? Except for us, it's a baby...not a high. But, whatever.

Today is day 2 of the injections, and so far so good. I know this probably makes me weird, but I actually kind of like it. It's kind of fun to feel like a scientist mixing stuff up in a vial and syringe. Plus, I feel like I'm doing something proactive to get our baby here as opposed to months of just waiting.

After a quick game of chicken last night (holding the syringe, with Brian and I arguing back and forth: "You do it. No you do it. No you do it."), I realized that these injections are really no big deal and don't hurt. Getting blood drawn or an IV hurts much worse, and even then those are pretty low key.

So to anyone considering IVF but holding back due to fear, take heart. It really is okay!

.parlodel.

2009-04-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

hey girls..
i told you i'd update you all...
i had my prolactin re-drawn and it went up to 29.7
my dr put me on parlodel (bromocriptine) and we'll
check levels next week. i had my first ultrasound to
check follicle development. i had none on my L side
but i had 4 on my R. they were all decent size, with
the biggest one measuring 15 .. is this good???

2009-04-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am not usually one that will tell married couples what to do, but I want every married couple that reads this blog to rent or go out and buy this movie. It is amazing. The acting is not the greatest but the message in this movie is incredible... It touched me, made me want to work even harder on my marriage. My marriage is great, but there is always room for improvement, like any marriage.
This movie showed me what love truly means. I need to love my husband as much as the Savior loves me. That is the true definition of love.
I hope you will take my advise and take a minute out of your busy lives, sit down with you spouse and watch this film. I know it will impact you as much as it has impacted me. You don't need to be having a rough patch in your marriage to want to watch it, but it will make you want to improve.

Happy Progress

2009-04-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

Hi all! Well, it looks like things are marching along swimmingly for our IVF. Woohoo! Finally some good news, right?

Today we had our Lupron class, where a nurse taught us all about the different injections I get to have over the next few weeks. All I can say about that is that if I have a problem with needles, I'm going to have to get over it quickly! The Lupron looks easy enough, and even the Follistim or Gonal-F didn't look too bad. The Repronex scared me a bit because the nurse admitted that it's usually the most painful. I'm not worried about the hCG because I've had it before. The biggest bummer was the progesterone--turns out if we're lucky enough for this to work, I'll have to have it daily up to at least 8 weeks of pregnancy and possibly 10. Yikes! But, of course, totally worth it. I was reading the other day how almost any woman would say theoretically that she'd do anything for her child, but we women who are experiencing infertility are already doing practically anything and everything! Look at all the stuff we're doing just to get a baby here!

We also had a trial transfer, where our doctor simulated the transfer of embryos to check the depth of my uterus and make sure there weren't any problems getting a catheter fed through to the top of my uterus. It was just like an IUI (relatively painless), and went smoothly.

Oh, and we found out I'm immune to Rubella, am not a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis, have normal TSH (thyroid) levels, and O+ blood (which I already knew, but I guess it had to be documented by a lab), meaning no Rh factor issues.

I start the injections on Sunday. I'm a little nervous about my ability to inject myself (hopefully I'm not a wimp). But I am so so so excited to get this process going!

Educating Others

2009-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

Here are a few awesome tidbits from conversations we've had with people unfamiliar with infertility and its treatment. It's my hope that by talking about infertility with other people, it will seem less weird and taboo, and even those who aren't dealing with it will be better educated about it.

Conversation #1:

Person: "So, you're doing in vitro?"
Me: "Yep, we start next Sunday."
Person: "I just don't know how I feel about that stuff. I guess if it were me I'd just want a normal pregnancy."
Me: "I want that too. Fortunately, if it works, that's exactly what we'll have."
Person: "Wait, you mean after the procedure it's a real, normal pregnancy?"
Me: "Well, yes. What did you think? Nine months from now the techs will remove our baby from the test tube and we'll pick him or her up from the lab?"

Conversation #2:

Person (who doesn't know we are doing in vitro): "So, you guys want to have a baby?"
Me: "Yes, we have for quite a while now."
Person: "Well, let me know when you're pregnant. I can recommend an awesome midwife. She's a big believer in all-natural pregnancy and childbirth. She'd never accept a patient who did freakish, totally unnatural stuff like that crazy California lady who had 8 kids. I mean, what has happened to society that we let doctors play God and create artificial life? If the Lord wants someone to have a baby, He'll let her get pregnant. We shouldn't be interfering."
Me: "Um, well, Brian and I are actually beginning in vitro next week. So I guess I won't be needing that referral."
Person (obviously uncomfortable): "Uh, no, I guess not. I mean, she's all about natural...and you guys are going about as far away from that as possible!"
Me: "Yep, and we're THRILLED! Wish us luck!"

Quick Update

2009-04-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

So after a LOT of calculations, prayer, deliberation, aggravation, frustration, and worry, we have decided to go ahead with in vitro this month! Wahoo!

We have our Lupron class on Thursday, then we begin injections next Sunday. I am so excited! Isn't it funny how you can pour your heart out in prayer, begging for an answer, and worrying that you haven't received one yet...until all of a sudden you do? We really couldn't decide if it was smart to do it this month. With the bills for my surgery rolling in, plus our insurance deductible increasing to $8,000, on top of the $13,000 IVF with ICSI will cost, we were worried that we just couldn't swing it. Plus Brian has been worried about the security of his job given that his employer is a general contractor, and the construction industry is pretty crappy right now. Is it smart to spend all this money if he's going to be out of a job in a few months?

I have been so frustrated, often resorting to thoughts that idiotic 16-year-old girls don't have to spend thousand of dollars to get pregnant, so why do I? Isn't wanting a family a righteous desire?

I have no idea how we did it, but last month, without really trying, we saved $3,000 more than we normally do. Then Brian spoke to his boss, who reassured him that the company is doing fine, and even if it was struggling, Brian would be one of the last people they'd ever think of laying off. That was what we needed! Our prayers were finally answered. For me, it reaffirmed my testimony that the Lord really knows our hearts individually and will help us find a way to overcome our trials and accomplish our goals. I know we're still far from our goal of a family, but this was a critical step. Now, onward...

.prolactin.

2009-04-06T17:59:00.000-07:00

hey everyone..
i had my CD 3 blood work done yesterday and everything is normal except my prolactin level was 28.4. i believe the normal range for this hormone is less than 26.

i am going back this week to get it re-drawn just to make sure it's accurately high.

anyone had experience with elevated prolactin??

ash

Here We Go (Probably, Maybe, Hopefully)

2009-03-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I went in today for my post-op follow-up appointment. I just thought our doctor would check out my nicely healing incisions and send me on my merry way. But apparently things looked good enough that he sent me to the nurses to set up our in vitro schedule.

Wait a minute, I thought. We were supposed to wait until June or even July! But I guess the combination of my quick healing, the long (6+ weeks) process of in vitro, and the medicine I've been on since a week before the surgery that allows us to transition straight to in vitro without wretched birth control pills, means we can actually get started the week after Easter. That's less than 3 weeks away!

I know it seems crazy, but I had just resigned myself to waiting until summer. Now all of a sudden it's here again. It seems so fast! We're not 100% sure we're going to start in April (surgery bills + huge deductible + crazy expensive non-insurance-covered IVF=hemorrhaging money), but the possibility is there. I am really excited, scared, nervous, and almost afraid to hope--afraid to hope that we'll actually get to to do it, that the process will go smoothly, and that I'll actually get pregnant. Infertility is such a dang rollercoaster, but at least I might have the chance to get off it!

The end of the beginning

2009-03-20T11:07:00.001-07:00

So I'm hoping that I'm safe posting again after my hiatus (due to the fracas with people linking through my blog), because I need to share.

We went in two months ago to start up clomid and IUIs again, and at the 14 day point, the RE checked my lining and follicles and didn't like what he saw. So we scrapped that cycle and decided to try a different drug, Femara. Long story short, we did the Femara, I had one good follicle and we did an HCG trigger shot along with an IUI.

Today was the big pregnancy test day and so, naturally I spent all of yesterday worrying about it. Can I just say how much I hate taking pregnancy tests? Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can get me more worked up than having to go and buy these stupid pee sticks, only to worry about whether it's going to be positive or negative and then thinking about all the worries or the relief I'll feel about either result. UGH! I swear my head would just start spinning and fly right off my shoulders if it could!

So after having nightmares about positive results and negative results, I just dragged my butt out of bed and took the test. And the result?

We are now officially $700 poorer with nothing but information to show for it.

*Sigh*

I know the success rate peaks out at six months of drug therapy + IUIs, but I'm not sure my head (or my heart) can take 5 more months of pre-test freak-outs.

.questions.

2009-03-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

hey girls.

i just had my first appt with my re and i'm very happy with how things went. we have a game plan and that's exactly what we need. he feels that my cycles are a little irregular (short luteal phase) even though i ovulate every month. i will be going in to have my CD 3 labs drawn because my OB/GYN never did those. We also may do the Kruger's strict morphology for my hubby if my labs are normal.

i just have a few questions about costs.

first, how much are all the labs and how much is the krugers test? i'm sure the costs are minimal, but just want to be aware before we go in. any help would be appreciated.

ash

Hilarious

2009-03-17T12:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, I thought this was way too funny not to share:

Info for the Uninsured

2009-03-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

This information has been shared on a website I visit so I just wanted to pass it along for those who are also out of pocket for IVF.

Fertility Lifelines has a specific program called “Compassionate Care”. This program is through the Serono drug company (makers of Gonal-F, Ovidrel etc). If you qualify for their program you can get a portion of your IVF cycle drugs for one cycle for free. Before applying for this program you will want to make sure that your RE would be willing to put you on a protocoll with their meds.

When you call ask for their compassionate care program and they will do a pre-screening before they send you an application. You will have to send them your tax 1040’s, the last 2 pay stubs from your household, and have your insurance card handy because they will call to verify that you have no insurance coverage. If you are accepted into their program they will send the drugs directly to your RE.

(I’ve heard through the grapevine that they accept about 75% of those that apply. There is an income cutoff which they don’t advertise. I’ve asked around if anyone knew what it was and was told they can't say specifically because it's different for everyone depending on where you live. Someone mentioned an adjusted gross income less than 100K but I can't verify the truth of that.)

the number is:
1-866-538-7879
(1-866-LETS-TRY)

I’ll be sending in an application as soon as we get our taxes done this year. A couple of ladies on another board I visit have been able to get free med’s for a cycle, which has been a big help. I don't know if we'll qualify or not, but it's worth a try. I'm crossing my fingers :)

Who is this guy?

2009-03-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

Thought you would like this inspirational story that will be shared on "Music and The Spoken Word" this weekend.

"Henry J. Kaiser was a PROBLEM SOLVER. Born to a German shoemaker in upstate New York, he eventually became the father of American shipbuilding. Along the way, he learned to see a problem not as a roadblock but as a chance to learn something or to create a new way of doing things.

"PROBLEMS," he said, "ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."

Henry Kaiser had an opportunity to demonstrate the truth of this saying early in his career when the construction company he was working for unexpectedly went out of business. Where other would see only a problem, Henry saw an opportunity-he decided to take on one of his former company's unfulfilled contracts himself. He finished the project ahead of schedule, and before long the Henry J. Kaiser Company was born.

From there he created companies that paved roads, manufactured steel, and built houses. Throughout these many ventures, Henry J. Kaiser continued to see in every challenge a chance to move forward and find a better way.

LIFE IS FULL OF PROBLEMS. Opposition is not only unavoidable, it is essential. Without opposition, without problems, big and small to test or resolve and stimulate our thinking, we would accomplish very little. Muscles do not grow without resistance, and neither do people.

Men and women often do their best when faced with what seems at first to be an overwhelming problem. So much good, so many great discoveries and new ideas have come from efforts to overcome problems that stood in the way of worthy goals.

No one likes a problem, but the day may come when we can recognize it as a blessing in disguise. No matter how frightening it seems, if we strip away the mask of trouble, we will find the smiling face of opportunity."

To read the rest of the story visit: http://musicandthespokenword.com/messages/

Hello

2009-03-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking a little bit and thought I would finally post. My name is Greta, and my husband and I have been married for 4 years. After about a year of trying, we found out that it was impossible for us to have children the natural way. In a way, in the world of infertility, it could be seen as a good thing, because at least we know for certain that there are no feritility treatments that will ever be able to help us. In other way, it's devastating, because there will never be any hope of it. I wish there was a treatment we could try. But, at the same time, there are no treatments we can try--so it definitely narrows it down!

We started the adoption process last fall, and we are looking and waiting for our child. The process to come to the decision to adopt was a long one. I thought I would post because I still feel worried about it sometimes and have feelings of doubt. Sometimes I wonder if we were really meant to have children. But, then, sometimes I can't imagine a life without providing a loving home for a child. I think all of those feelings are natural. I think everyone haves them, even if they don't have any trouble having kids. It's so hard to know what to do when you are faced with infertility, and it compounds those uncertain feelings, I think. But, I try not to worry too much, and to know that the Lord will guide us, and He will let us know if there is something we should or shouldn't do. But, it's really hard sometimes. These decisions certainly aren't easy.

Well, anyway, I would be interested to hear about any adoption experiences! It's been nice to read your posts.

Introduction

2009-03-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hi ladies! Thanks for letting me join the blog. I 'll start by introducing myself. I am Katy and I am 25. We live in Southeast Idaho. I have been married 6 years and we have a wonderful four year old daughter. We had no trouble getting pregnant with our daughter and we also got pregnant with a second after only 6 months of trying. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in miscarriage at the beginning of our 2nd trimester. We have now been trying 3 years, we have our adoption papers in and are trying different fertility treatments. The doctors say everything is working and we should be getting pregnant but I am guessing the Lord has other plans. We recently tried a natural IUI cycle and it didn't work. We are going in for more blood tests and discuss our options next week. I get so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I have a really hard time watching my daughter grow up with no siblings. I also get tired of all the well meaning comments or advice. It just discourages me. I have a question to all those that have adopted or considered adoption... Did you ever go back and forth on your decision?
Sometimes I feel strongly that we are supposed to adopt and then I get scared and then I am not sure that that is what we are supposed to do. Then I will get strong feelings towards trying different fertility treatments and I just get confused when they don't work. I don't know if this is making any sense but if any of you have any insight I would sure appreciate it!

Anyway that is me!

Cautious

2009-03-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Have any of you started down the infertility path but been unwilling to tell family members or friends about it? When we did treatments seven years ago we told most of our families and friends what we were doing and got tired of the constant "well-meaning" comments (i.e., "I know this will work" or "Are you pregnant yet?" or worst of all "I don't know what you're worried about" right before we found out that our baby had died.)

Well, some people close to us know that we've been to the RE, but I found out recently that some friends I'd rather leave in the dark actually read this blog (by linking through my blog - which I've now changed) so now I am hesitant to post ANYTHING for fear we'll start getting those well-meaning comments all over again.

Am I being silly, or have any of you felt like this?

My Intro (dd mentioned)

2009-03-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you for allowing me to say hi, I’ve enjoyed this blog so much! Hopefully anyone else who is new can also introduce themselves also. My name is Tamara, age 29 and my hubby and I live in the SLC valley. Been married eight years, TTC since 2003 and have never experienced a pregnancy. Our dx is male factor, specifically tetrazoospermia which basically is low counts, poor progressive motility and he has 0% morphology (all the wrong shape). We’ve had one failed IUI and then shortly after learned that IVF w/ ICSI is the only option we really have fertility wise.

After trying for four years we came to a crossroads of trying IVF or pursuing adoption. From the start we felt very guided by the spirit that we were supposed to pursue adoption at that time. I could write a novel about our adoption experience but to spare you all here it is in a nutshell. Started paperwork 06/2006, approved 01/2007, started emailing with her bmom 05/2007, officially matched 07/2007, and DD born in late 10/2007. Boy that makes it seem so simple which is wasn't! Her birthfather contested two weeks after placement and I spent four months in Michigan in a legal mess waiting for hearings, court trials etc because ICPC wouldn't clear us to come home. Being a new mom was the most wonderful experience, but those early months were greatly overshadowed by the legal mess and we weren’t certain that we’d be able to keep her. It was very hard. I would love to adopt again but I feel like I’m driven by so much fear. Fear in a failed match or placement, crazy birthfathers, another long uncertain match time, you name it. I don’t want to be hurt again. Once bitten twice shy right?

So that’s a bit of our history. We are preparing now to try IVF for the first time in a few months. We’ll most likely be cycling up at the U and even had our IVF consultation a few weeks ago. I’ve been spending hours online looking at different clinics trying to find the best bang for the buck that comes with good success rates. That’s a whole other topic for another post! I see there are a lot of people here with male factor. Have any of you done DNA fragmentation testing? If we go to the U we’d only really be able to afford one or “maybe” two cycles. But that would essentially drain us of all of our savings outside our retirement. Option 2 is to go to a clinic out of state that I found that is essentially the same price for the first cycle, but they offer a greatly discount rate for cycles 2 or 3 if you need them. But then there’s all that travel. I can’t really stomach the idea of paying the U’s $25K for a shared risk cycle, but we don't have anywhere near that amount saved up anyway. So I don’t know what to do! I hate that we have to spend this kind of money on these sorts of things.

Well that’s me in a nutshell. Nice to “meet” you all!

2009-03-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

This is so true, and yet wouldn't it be fabulous if we could pick the time and season?

IVF Let Down

2009-02-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

So, we went in for our IVF consultation today to begin the IVF process. After going over everything with us, our doctor said he just wanted to do a quick ultrasound, then he'd prescribe me birth control pills to begin taking with my next cycle so they could take control and manipulate it with IVF medications. He was extremely positive and thought that given my age and Brian's sperm (despite its limitations and problems), our chances of achieving pregnancy would be really good.

Unfortunately, things didn't go so well with the ultrasound. My right ovary and uterus looked normal, as usual, but not so much with my left ovary. Last July when I had my last ultrasound, he noted what appeared to be a small endometrioma/cyst on my left ovary. But he said it was probably no big deal and it didn't matter since he could see eggs being produced in that ovary. Well today the first thing he said when looking at it was "Whoa!" The small cyst had tripled in size in just 7 months, going from the size of a raisin to the size of a strawberry (2 cm to 6 cm). Incidentally, over the past year, since my cycle has regulated to about 30 days, my period have become extra painful. I just figured I was being a wimp and it has just been too long since I'd had periods that frequently (before being on the birth control shot when I was a newlywed). But I guess there was/is a reason for the pain.

So, instead of starting right now on IVF, our doctor recommended laparascopic surgery to drain and cauterize the huge cyst. Then I have to take medications for 3 months while it heals before we can start IVF. I know this is for the best and all, but I guess I had just gotten my heart set on doing this in March, and now we have to wait until June. Why is this stuff so dang frustrating?!

I NEED TO VENT!!!

2009-02-23T22:56:00.001-08:00

Can I just scream for all of us....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Really this whole trial of faith and patience is so frustrating. Most days I can deal with it but today I am not doing so good. I just want to freak out! I know that my problems are so small in comparison to what others go through but the load feels so heavy at times. I am always putting on a brave face and pretending that I am doing okay. Most the time I am but there is ALWAYS this hole in my heart. I ache for another child and wish so badly I had a little control over this area of my life. So what should I be doing? Is there more I could be doing? Is my best good enough? These are all questions I lye in bed and ask myself. It makes me so sad to think I could have a week old baby right now if our IVF had worked. But that would have just been to easy, right. Although I feel I have moved on from the let down of our failed IVF there is no moving on from the fact I want another child. My heart reminds me every day that something is missing. It is just so hard that I can't do a thing about it.. I know that in the end this will all make perfect sense but what do I do with this hole in my heart untill then? I tried shopping but that didn't even help.

What to do?????

.my hsg results.

2009-02-18T10:01:00.000-08:00

i need your opinion ladies..

i had my hsg this morning and the test itself wasn't too bad. yes, some cramping, but tolerable. anyway, i'm kinda wondering what my results mean. i had my test done in the outpatient radiology dept by a PA..and so i don't have the official results. anyway, the pa was having a very hard time getting my right tube "open." yes, it did finally show dye as did the left tube but he said he used 13 ml of dye and the "normal" open hsg he usually uses 6 ml. maybe i'm being neurotic about this, but doesn't that seem like that may have been the problem??

i guess the good news is both my tubes are open and no apparent uterine abnormalities were found. but i'm thinking now maybe we should just "try" naturally for the next 3 months since maybe the problem is fixed.

what do you think?? still go to my RE appt in the next couple weeks, or wait and see what happens.

thanks, ash

Healthy BOUNDARIES

2009-02-13T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today at lunch, I jumped on the emotional bandwagon today and got heated about appropriate boundaries. My intention is not to offend, so please forgive if i did, but to help me clarify for myself and maybe help others who has struggled with the issue of boundaries.

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is setting and maintaining of clear boundaries and expectations. The most intriguing part to me is how in theory (or on paper) they are so clear and easy to see, however in reality much harder to understand and difficult to maintain.

In my life I have struggled with boundary issues. Where are the lines? Who is drawing them? What feels right? Do they need to adjust? Why are they continually challenged?? And so on ...

There are great lessons here for us to learn in pondering what our bondaries are ... whether it be in balancing our marriages, working with co-workers, fulfilling our callings, supporting our extended family, associating with birth mothers and most importantly in raising our kids. This is what I have learned (thus far ... i am sure there is more learning opportunities to come!!)

I CANNOT TAKE ON:
BLAME/RESPONSIBILITY for the life others create
GUILT for not being able to change things – they created it, they are the only ones who can change it
Someone else’s PAIN – the only person who can truly do this is the Savior
DRAMA – I can’t ride the roller coaster ride with others when I am on my own ride
CHANGE - I can't change something I didn't create

WHAT I CAN OFFER:
LOVE – true appreciation, gratitude and heart felt love for others
ENCOURAGEMENT – help others remember and find their strengths and truths in life
EMPATHY – my tender heart hopes to recognizes and be sensitive to others sorrows
SHARED EXPERIENCES – connecting about life’s journeys and lessons learned
HOPE - we can create better lives when we have faith (faith in our Savior creates hope, possibilities and purpose when they may not otherwise be any.)

Now if I could only remember these lessons learned when discipling my kids, I would not take on the guilt or responsibility of their bad choices. I am working on this and hope in a couple years I will be better at keeping my boundaries clear and fortified.

If you have any recommendations for creating or maintaining boundaries, please share. Or if you have created your own set of limits and offerings. I am interested in learning.

Lots of love - addie

.an appt.

2009-02-12T18:43:00.000-08:00

hey everyone..
it's me, ashley. i just wanted to say thanks for the advice to see an RE without wasting anymore time on the OB/GYN. i have successfully made an appointment with the RCC in sandy. it seems that most of you have either been there or recommend it. i'll be seeing one of the MDs there in a couple weeks after i get my HSG next week. if you guys have any specific advice or heads up about what to expect or what to take to the appt i would greatly appreciate it. thanks again.

love ash

Contributer list?

2009-02-04T10:25:00.000-08:00

Not sure how the list of contributers became a link to our blogs? I just want to make sure no one has a problem with this? I don't mind but my blog is private. Let me know if you would like me to change it. From now on please ask me before you make changes like that. There is a lot of personal info on blogs and I don't want to expose anyone who wants to keep things private.
Thanks a ton!
-Kim

THANKS!

2009-02-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

Hey Girls,

I just wanted to say thank you for all your stories and feed back. You are what makes this blog so wonderful. I am looking for a favor. I am wondering if any of your husbands would be willing to share. I know this is a hard thing for men to do but it would be so great to hear the husbands side of things. I think lots of times we forget how hard it is for them as well.

Thanks again for all of your support, I really feel we are such a strength to each other.

Lots of Love,
Kim

Unanswered Prayers

2009-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a book you MUST read, it is called When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Micheal Wilcox.

It is short and easy to follow ... and very profound! His main message is one of encourage and hope as we recognize how the Lord teaches us through his constant love. He sights wonderful scriptural examples to show how "God blesses us in our fourth watch", how he has made our "ships tight like a dish", how he "carves holding places in our hearts", "he only offers bread and fish never stones", "how he can make all the negative things in our life good", "how we can bring forth good fruit no matter where we are planted", and how "he will wipe away all the tears of our soul".

It is a fabulous book that has reminded me lately how our prayers only seem unanswered due to our limited perspectives. If we put our trust in God's plan of happiness, we will have joy.

Much love to my sisters of faith,
Addie

Music

2009-01-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who likes to listens to songs that reflect my current mood or situation? Somehow it makes me feel better to have my thoughts and feelings expressed in music, hence my posts on "I Would Die for That" and "From God's Arms". Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm a real country music fan, but I do like the Dixie Chicks from time to time.

On one of their CD's, they wrote a song about struggling with infertility since at least 2 of the 3 band members have dealt with it. The song is called "So Hard", and you can listen to it HERE.

I especially like the lyrics:

Back when we started,
We didn't know how hard it was.
Living on nothing,
But what the wind would bring to us.
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for.
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong.
And I try my best to be strong.
But you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard.

It felt like a given,
Something a woman's born to do.
A natural ambition,
To see a reflection of me and you.

And I'd feel so guilty,
If that was a gift I couldn't give.
And could you be happy,
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out,
To prove everybody wrong.
And I need your help to move on,
Cause you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
So hard.

I can live for the moment,
When all these clouds open up for me to see,
And show me a vision,
Of you and me swimming peacefully.

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy.

It's so hard.

New and in need

2009-01-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

Hi all. My name is Sara. My husband and I have been "trying to get pregnant" for the past 3 years with no success(obviously). I have had and HSG, plenty of ultrasounds, numerous drugs and injections. I know there are many of you that have struggled far more than I have up to this point and I am in desperate need of someone who can relate to me. So I turn to you. I'm going to try to hold back how negative I feel right now so that I don't bombard all of you with Johnny Rain Cloud, however that best describes me at this point. I say all of the following knowing that every single one of you knows what i am talking about, and so I look for advice.

Every single friend I have is "preggers" ( :)hate the word) or has a kid or two. I had one friend who had been trying for 2 years and just got pregnant. I was so excited for her because i knew how she felt when she was trying. Ever since it has been, "we went to the maternity store today!, we bought baby clothes today, etc.) I feel horrible. while I should be a good friend, I am having the hardest time being supportive. I find myself looking for ways to avoid her. This is not right. I'm at the point now where I can't go to baby showers. Truly I am happy for all who are able to conceive and try to show I care. I am just too darn sensitive to look through baby name books and talk about breast feeding. Even worse than that though, I work at an OBGYN office. I see the 14-15 year olds or meth addicts coming in and having babies. They are so excited to play dress up with these sweet spirits from heaven. It is frustrating. I want to slap them. I take a lot of phone calls from women who want abortions and I just transfer them to a nurse, i can't even talk to them. We don't do them at our office, thank heaven!

I just had my 1st IUI knowing that it probably wouldn't work on the 1st try. No ones except for y'all. I have already doomed it to failure even though I won't know anything for a week or so. I am trying to be positive about it, but how can you be positive, without getting your hopes too high? HELP! Also the last injection I had to release the egg was horrible. It didn't hurt, but I was definitely not myself after a couple of days. I am always a positive person, happy to be alive and grateful for the blessings i do have. This hormone made me want to kill anything in my path. Okay, not literally, but man I felt like a beast!! I think now it is wearing off and aside from blowing off a little steam, i'm feeling okay. Do any of you have the friends or family that say, "oh, i had a friend that couldn't get pregnant for (x) years. I hope that isn't you." "all in due time sara." (as they are holding their 5th child on their hip.) :)

One other thing I think I need to use control on is blogging. I have payed attention to how I feel after a night of blogging. I look at all of these beautiful children on all of my friends' blogs, and then i'm sad. I should limit my time on the blogs. Is this just me or do any of you find you have this same issue?

I am so thankful that Hillary invited me to join this blog. I feel like there was a reason she found my husband an in turn started talking to me. It is so funny, interesting, I guess how Heavenly Father knows who and when to place people in our lives. I hope that is wasn't a total drag reading this entry and i will definitely try hard next time to be a positive influence, but i am in desperate need of help here. I know none of you can take my pain away, but if any one has any words of advice on how to cope with my own sensitive emotions, how to let out frustrations, and just plain how to deal. I am talking to the bishop in our ward for a blessing, the 1st of many i'm sure, so I know that will help. Any advice?

Thanks so much for all of your posts and I look forward to being and receiving support from this sisterhood! Thanks, Sara

PS Eric and I will start the adoption process in his 3rd year of Pharmacy school. Next year. I don't know where to start or what to do or where to look, so ideas on that would be great as well.

Hi, I'm Addie's friend!

2009-01-27T18:16:00.001-08:00

Thanks for letting me join. I have been married for 11 years in March and we don't have any children. We are hoping to adopt our first child through LDS Adoption services. I could use some advice on a couple of things:
1st one is how do I make sure not to get lost in the adoption process? We are now on our 4th caseworker and with this new beta site they are doing I can't get ours to work or anyone at the agency to feel urgent about helping me! I hope you all don't think I am just a complainer cause I really just need advice about how to get things done without having to be "tough" about it.
2nd thing is I have a sister who isn't married and is living with her 19 year old boyfriend. She just sprang on me last weekend that she is pregnant and they aren't planning on getting married till after the baby is born so she can get "Wick" (sp?) assistance. Now I know I should be a calm & supportive older sister but I can tell you that I am freaking out and not sure what to say. Any advice would be great. Thank you again.

{i'm new}

2009-01-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

hello girls...

i'm new here. i was invited by my friend hillary and am extremely grateful i was. this infertility stuff isn't very fun and i'm excited and hopeful that making new friends that have similar problems will help with our journey to become parents.

my name is ashley owens and my husband, cameron, and i have only been trying to have a baby since last march. we have been married for over 5 years and are still madly in love. we know that we haven't had as much time as some dealing with infertility, but are quickly finding out that each and every month it doesn't happen that we are crushed and feel defeated. anyway, here's our story: i knew that something wasn't right after just a few months of trying. i have very regular cycles but was spotting about a week before each period...not really normal so naturally i thought i had a problem with low progesterone. knowing that wasn't a big deal to fix, i made an appt with my ob/gyn last november. he felt like i might be right in assuming low progesterone and he quickly prescribed 3 months of clomid to regulate my horomones and to make "better eggs," fixing the spotting in the mean time. cameron also had an SA and everything was "above average." well, we've done all 3 months of clomid and all were unsuccessful. it didn't really fix the spotting and consequently i had my progesterone drawn and it was 14 on CD24. normal. that's where we are now. i have an appt to see my MD again and we'll have to be discussing what our options are from here on out. i know he mentioned getting an hsg to check my tube patentcy and identify any obvious uterine problems. so there you go. i'm sure he'll offer to have us do IUI and maybe injectibles. what do you guys think??

if i always ovulate on my own would injectibles and IUI even be helpful?? especially if my hubby's sperm is great.?

or, would you just suggest a referral to an RE and skip out on the tests that the RE would probably just repeat?

i appreciate everyone welcoming me here and look forward to getting to know you all a little better. hopefully i can be of some support too, as this really is so hard when everyone around can do it so easily. thanks again...ashley

Deep breath...

2009-01-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I did it. Finally. No more procrastination. No more being wishy-washy. I called today to schedule our in vitro consultation, which is the first step in the 5-6 week process.

We weren't sure if in vitro was right for us. We spent months praying to know if we should pursue in vitro or give up on biology and pursue another completely valid and incredible road to parenthood, adoption. We almost adopted twins in November--did I mention that? But as we learned more about them and their birth mom, the scarier it became. They were preemies, having been exposed significantly to drugs and alcohol. They were in the NICU, and were going to be for a long time. They were going to require extensive medical care, as one or both of them had brain bleeds (which would likely lead to cerebral palsy). Plus the birth mom was feeling unsure about placement. After a great deal of thought and prayer, we got our answer: this wasn't right, and we should pursue in vitro for the moment. We feel like we should open as many doors and pursue as many paths as possible to parenthood. So in vitro now (because my fertility has an expiration date), with the possibility of adoption later.

So we decided to save up and schedule our in vitro after the new year. But I also had a strong confirmation from the Spirit that adoption was divinely ordained for children who deserve a loving, stable, two-parent home but happen to have been born into less than ideal circumstances. Maybe that will be us in the future, and I sure hope so, regardless of whether in vitro works for us.

So our consultation is scheduled for February 24, with the actual in vitro stuff going on mid-March. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I'd love to hear more about your experiences with in vitro, especially if it involved ICSI and/or male factor infertility. Please fill me in on what we've gotten ourselves into!

P.S. I wanted to welcome Sara Roberts, our newest sister in need of support.

WAYS TO BLOW OFF STEAM!!

2009-01-14T14:35:00.000-08:00

i am wondering if you all have some good advice (say a top 10 list) of how to BLOW OFF STEAM!!! the stress of infertility, failed placements, raising adopted kids, and finally the drama of birth parents (I have a new one ... a birth father who decided he wants to be a part of my child's life after 3 years of NOTHING ... WHAT THE HELL!!!) and so on ...

i would love to hear your FAVORITES for letting it out and letting it go (and I am trying really hard to avoid destructive options - like eating or swearing or ... or ... so remember we are responsible adults now. I know - totally bummer!)

My FAVS
1. DANCING - does anyone want to go clubing? are we too old for that??
2. THROW something (jason might prefer BURNING something)
3. LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

thanks for the help. lots of love - addie

In the spirit of laughter

2009-01-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

I agree that sometimes you just need to laugh about infertility. Have you guys seen that mock-blog "Seriously, So Blessed"? If you haven't, you need to check it out. It's written by a fake girl named Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole, whose husband goes to law/business/medical/ dental school. They are the perfect LDS newlyweds, and are expecting twins. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard at all the stupid stories (complete with misspelled words and horrible grammar).

One of the tough things about this trial is that you often get judged and asked insensitive questions, especially from other LDS friends (since having babies is such a central part of LDS culture). My husband and I have been asked numerous times if we just don't like kids, or when we're going to start, or if we've read talks from apostles advising couples to not wait, etc. We've been told we need to have more faith, or that perhaps the Lord is punishing us for our politics (ridiculous). Along those same lines, this was a recent post on Seriously, So Blessed:

bad perplexion

SO SAD SLASH STUMPED!

Last night was hobby nite at the law/biz/med/dental school wives club (so fun!...every one is so creative!) and this darling chica who seriously NEVER comes, showed up and geez, TALK about an awkward incounter you gys. I was way friendly and polite, as is of upmost importance as the first-lady, but ew! Hate to gossip, but this IS my journal, and I = way puzzled and in desparate need a venting spree. So get this...

They've been married for freaking EVER, I think since oh-SIX or something ridiculous, and guess how many kids? Um, ZERO. And she's not even preggers! Plus she has a JOB. Um, WTH. It's like there against wick and loans or something, not to mention HELLO!? Do they even HAVE parents??

Way.
sad.
life.
Ugh.

Of coarse, I'm sure they've been "trying" ;o) so to be nice, I figured I'd suggest a few things to help her get blessed slash preggo. I opened my eyes way big and earnest so my mascara clumps bonked into my carefully-shaped brows, and asked way hi-pitched friendly, "Have you guys thought about paying tithing?" She was all, "What do you mean?"

LOL! Awkard! I shrugged my teensy shoulders and gentley put a lotiony hand on her back all compassionate. I lowered my cute head and tossed my streaked bangs slowly, giving her my darling quizzical pity pout, and pointed slowly at my fertile garden belly, (meaningful pause), then at her desolate desert one.

"You know....TWO, NONE. TWO, NONE...

Just saying maybe it's time to CTR."

Nice, right? But nooo, she flipped the heck out and chose to be offended. Girls are SO drama! Always telling the J-Dub he's seriously so lucky to of married someone so down to earth and chill. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM TO NOT HAVE A BORING LIFE. It's like, is it just that she's selfish and a heaven hater, or does she have a wasteland of a womb?? I'm TRYING to be sensitive but it is way hard. Should I send a note?

Sometimes you just need to laugh

2009-01-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

This one got me to the point of nearly peeing my pants. I never considered that hubby's sperm is gay. Wow that is a new one. Do you think there is a treatment for that?

I was thinking about you fine ladies this past weekend. Well actually (quite often) during the holidays. Its hard to know what you really really want for Christmas this year, and Santa didn't or in my case will NEVER deliver. I did ask him once though. At a Christmas family function...Lets just say it forced a quiteness (not common in my large, loud family) amongst the crowd, and I left the jolly ole' elf speechless. Probably not the best idea, but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, we have been dealing with the "disease" of infertility for nearly a decade, and I am sad to say that it still hurts. Well, not full on breakdowns these days but the sting is still there. I ran into a infertility friend of mine recently, and guess what she is prego with number dos! Although the joy for her and her family overshadowed the "sting" I was quite surprised how it unleashed multiple feelings for me. As the wallowing got deeper, I realized that laughing myself out of it somehow seemed to help the feelings subside.

Soo, when your low with the remnants of "holiday blues", find something out there that merits a laugh or two! Who knows it may be your inhospitable womb or his gay sperm!

No more procrastination?

2009-01-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

I did it. I finally went ahead and scheduled my HSG test for this Wednesday, and suddenly I am terrified. What if my tubes are blocked? What if they aren't?

And somehow I know that I haven't seen the last of this old friend/foe I call procrastination.

Wishing You a Merry Christmas

2008-12-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I hope you all enjoy the holidays and that this next year brings happiness and many blessing to all of you.

Here are a picture of my two miracle babies and stepdaughter: Serenity - 6 Brynn- 14 months and Hannah - 4 months

Post Your Holiday Photo too :)

A questionable adoption agency

2008-12-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone -

Just wanted to give you a "heads up" on an adoption agency (based out of Utah) that my friend just warned me about. She says that after two separate personal incidents with them, that she and her husband found out a lot of negative information about the agency- unfortunately, she didn't give more details than that.

They are All for Love adoption agency, and I would advise caution if you are looking into using them, or if you have been approached through an outside source (i.e., parentprofiles.com).

I personally have not researched this agency, so I hope that I am not offending anyone by passing on this information. If you've adopted through this agency and have had positive experiences, please let us know. I would hate to be the one that keeps others from using a legitimate agency because of this post.

All I want for Christmas is...

2008-12-10T11:32:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone! I wanted to share something that I have found this last month. You can check it out at this website: http://conceptionkit.com. My girlfriend used them and has her own success story after trying for about two years on their own. They don't have a diagnosed problem, and everyone's situation is different, but it is nice to see an option for $100/month compared with what some of us have done!!

Hope that this isn't inappropriate and/or doesn't feel like advertising. Also, I would never want to be 'that person' that says "Why don't you just try this?"

On the other hand, it really seems like a good thing, and I think I read that they have a 25% success rate for couples that try it.

Alright, that is my show and tell for today! Hope you all are doing well!

Bonding

2008-12-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else worried about bonding with an adopted child?

Shortly after we took Mimi home from the hospital someone said to me, "You can't even remember life without her, can you?" and I laughed and told them that of course I could! How could nine years of just the two of us fade away after a month or two of dirty diapers, crying, and mid-night feedings? As I reflected on the question and my response, I began to realize that what they were talking about was the "instant bond" that mothers seem to feel toward their children only minutes after giving birth which seems to change the way a new mother looks at everything. I began to wonder if it was because Mimi was adopted that I didn't feel that bond, although I'd heard some adoptive parents say they'd felt it right after having their child placed into their arms. But as much as I loved my little girl and knew that she was mine the moment that I saw her, I didn't feel "the bond". It worried me a little, but I was busy with a new little baby, and honestly didn't have much time to even think about it, except to re-evaluate periodically and see if I felt that way yet. No one told me that the feeling can grow from the simple love that you begin with, but because of our adoption situation, I had complete faith that having her in our family was right and that the feeling would eventually come. And I was right!

Mimi is now 2 years old and just a few weeks ago during a diaper change as we sat giggling together over something silly, I had this overwhelming feeling of rightness come over me that being her mom was what I was always meant to do. And it was then that I realized that the bond that I'd longed for had been growing inside of me as she grew. And I couldn't imagine my life without her. As I thought about that feeling over the next few days, I realized that I had gotten to the point that even though I could remember those nine years, that they were fuzzy compared to the last two- even with dirty diapers, sickness, tantrums and all. That's not to say that I don't have moments of wishing for a little peace and quiet, but I'm grateful for the small, simple joys that occur in random ways every day.

Just a little something to think about!

2008-11-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.~Joseph F. Smith

I ran into this blog, I don't even remember how now. http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ To tell you the truth I have not been able to read much on it. But the things she wrote rang so true to me. I feel like it's something we can all relate to. Hope you enjoy!

A Little Reading

2008-11-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

Just found this article I thought you all may enjoy.

http://segullah.org/small-epiphanies/compassion/

Your always in my thoughts and prayers!

tears of sorrow

2008-11-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the beautiful posts ... Elder Wirthlin's talk and From God's Arms. They were both wonderful reminders to me of the miracles in my life. And particularly at a time in which I need reminding.

We found out Wednesday our birth mother has selected a different family and is working on placement with a private agency because they can offer her living expenses. Again, none of this really makes any sense to me. And once again the tears of lost opportunities continue to fall.

Sorry I haven't called or emailed, we haven't quite known what to say. We not ready to completely shut this door ... just the window.

Our resolve to have faith and hope remains strong.

From God's Arms

2008-11-06T10:31:00.003-08:00

I'm sure you've all head this song before, but I thought it was really sweet how Donny and Marie introduce it, especially since November is National Adoption Awareness month:

JUST A LITTLE STORY.......

2008-11-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone....I hope you are all doing well. It has been such a busy time for everyone! I just wanted to share an experience I had today at the mall....

I saw a guy standing in line at the chick Filia we made eye contact and nodded like we knew eachother. After he got his food I said.....

How do I know you
he said didn't we go to school together
I said no, and then asked him if maybe he had adopted any children. Why would I think to ask this random, personal question to someone I didn't even know....or did I????
Any way he said well we are actually adopting TODAY
I said WHAT, WOW, that is awesome!

I went on to tell him that my two boys are adopted and that I was so happy for him and his wife. He informed me the reason they were at chick Filia was because there placement had been postponed and they were killing time. I was amazed that we made this unusual connection on this particular day. He sat to have lunch with his wife and me and the boys finished up ours. I stopped on our way out to say hi to his wife and congratulate her. You could tell she was a little apprehensive and asked me if it was normal to have the placement postponed. I reassured her it was and that most people I know have had placement postponed for one reason or another. After talking with them for a few minutes about our adoptions and what a miracle it has been for us I gathered the boys and left. I pray with all my heart this sweet couple received the miracle of a child today. I believe the Lord puts us in the right place at the right time and I feel that is what he did today. This sweet couple just needed a Little reassurance and I hope in some small way I was able to help. I drove home with a pray in my heart for them but also a prayer of gratitude for my boys and what they have given to me. Not only have they made me a mother but they have given me a perspective I would not have other wise. I wouldn't have been able to connect with this couple on such a personal and deep level. I got tears in my eyes knowing what an amazing experience they were in for today. Life is not easy for any of us no matter what our trials are. Infertility is hard but it is also a blessing. It is a blessing to see these children for what they truly are....A MIRACLE. I wouldn't trade this knowledge for anything. Even though I have had to endure a lot of heart ache and pain I wouldn't change a thing. I have been paid back a hundred fold by my loving Heavenly Father. It is because of this trial my joy is so full. Infertility is still hard for me and there are days I just cry. I feel I lost 6 months of my life with our IVF and the pain is still there. BUT I have been so blessed. I think if we choose to count our blessings and find joy in life even tough it is NOT easy we can find true happiness. We just have to trust the Lord and put complete faith in him and he will give us the peace and comfort we need.

I loved this talk by Elder Wirthlin from Conference and wanted to share it. I felt this talk was written just for me. I cried my eyes out through the whole thing and even wrote him a letter thanking him for giving me the answerer's I was looking for. I hope that it will bring that same comfort to you. All the pain you have felt and the tears you have cried are not in vain. There is a purpose just be patient and you will know and understand the reason for your trial!!!

The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.
When I was young I loved playing sports, and I have many fond memories of those days. But not all of them are pleasant. I remember one day after my football team lost a tough game, I came home feeling discouraged. My mother was there. She listened to my sad story. She taught her children to trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes, and give their best effort in everything they attempted.
When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again. So the advice my mother gave to me then wasn’t altogether unexpected. It has stayed with me all my life.
“Joseph,” she said, “come what may, and love it.”
I have often reflected on that counsel.
I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.
There may be some who think that General Authorities rarely experience pain, suffering, or distress. If only that were true. While every man and woman on this stand today has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of disappointment, sorrow, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness.
For me, the Lord has opened the windows of heaven and showered blessings upon my family beyond my ability to express. Yet like everyone else, I have had times in my life when it seemed that the heaviness of my heart might be greater than I could bear. During those times I think back to those tender days of my youth when great sorrows came at the losing end of a football game.
How little I knew then of what awaited me in later years. But whenever my steps led through seasons of sadness and sorrow, my mother’s words often came back to me: “Come what may, and love it.”
How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.
If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.
Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial. I would like to share them with you.

Learn to Laugh

The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?
There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh.
I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder.
Getting lost was not an unusual occurrence for us. Once while heading south to Cedar City, Utah, we took a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until two hours later when we saw the “Welcome to Nevada” signs. We didn’t get angry. We laughed, and as a result, anger and resentment rarely resulted. Our laughter created cherished memories for us.
I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife.
We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.
The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Seek for the Eternal

The second thing we can do is seek for the eternal. You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, “Why me?”
But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.
I love the scriptures because they show examples of great and noble men and women such as Abraham, Sarah, Enoch, Moses, Joseph, Emma, and Brigham. Each of them experienced adversity and sorrow that tried, fortified, and refined their characters.
Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.
Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.
Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”1
With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The Principle of Compensation

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father.
Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails. I have seen this in my own life. My grandson Joseph has autism. It has been heartbreaking for his mother and father to come to grips with the implications of this affliction.
They knew that Joseph would probably never be like other children. They understood what that would mean not only for Joseph but for the family as well. But what a joy he has been to us. Autistic children often have a difficult time showing emotion, but every time I’m with him, Joseph gives me a big hug. While there have been challenges, he has filled our lives with joy.
His parents have encouraged him to participate in sports. When he first started playing baseball, he was in the outfield. But I don’t think he grasped the need to run after loose balls. He thought of a much more efficient way to play the game. When a ball was hit in his direction, Joseph watched it go by and then pulled another baseball out of his pocket and threw that one to the pitcher.
Any reservations that his family may have had in raising Joseph, any sacrifices they have made have been compensated tenfold. Because of this choice spirit, his mother and father have learned much about children with disabilities. They have witnessed firsthand the generosity and compassion of family, neighbors, and friends. They have rejoiced together as Joseph has progressed. They have marveled at his goodness.
Trust in the Father and the Son
The fourth thing we can do is put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.”2 The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in.
He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.3
One of our daughters, after giving birth to a baby, became seriously ill. We prayed for her, administered to her, and supported her as best we could. We hoped she would receive a blessing of healing, but days turned into months, and months turned into years. At one point I told her that this affliction might be something she would have to struggle with the rest of her life.
One morning I remember pulling out a small card and threading it through my typewriter. Among the words that I typed for her were these: “The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”
She did put her trust in God. But her affliction did not disappear. For years she suffered, but in due course, the Lord blessed her, and eventually she returned to health.
Knowing this daughter, I believe that even if she had never found relief, yet she would have trusted in her Heavenly Father and “[left] the rest to Him.”
Conclusion
Although my mother has long since passed to her eternal reward, her words are always with me. I still remember her advice to me given on that day long ago when my team lost a football game: “Come what may, and love it.”
I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.
As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say, as did my mother, “Come what may, and love it.” Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I can't say that I love being infertile or that our IVF didn't work, but I take comfort knowing that someday somehow I will be blessed with another child and that I will LOVE......

Ouch

2008-11-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hi girls! I hope you all had a fun Halloween and enjoyed Election Day yesterday. I'm posting today because until recently, I hadn't been thinking all that much about our infertility. No, nothing's different with our situation. We're still saving our pennies for either in vitro or adoption early next year. Even though it seems far away, I've been at peace with it...until recently. I know a lot has been said in the media about Proposition 8 in California, which the Church supported. On the other hand, for a multitude of reasons, I did not. Do I still believe in and sustain my Church and its leaders? Of course. I just disagreed (not like it even mattered, since I don't live in California). For the most part, I kept my opinion on such a controversial issue to myself. But when pressed, I admitted that I did not support Prop 8. That's when the firestorm began.

I was told, by more than one person, that the reason my husband and I are infertile is because I am disobeying the Lord by opposing Prop 8. I was told that if I was more faithful and did not dissent or murmur, maybe then I would be worthy enough to become a mother. Ouch. Other women I know have been told that clearly they're not being faithful enough, or paying enough tithing or fast offerings, so that's why they're infertile. Girls, I hope that despite political differences, we can all agree that the Lord just doesn't work like that. I don't think we're punished or rewarded with children according to our politics or other matters. Otherwise, how do you explain all the out-of-wedlock, drug-and-alchohol-fueld pregnancies that occur constantly? So, to anyone who's had similarly insensitive and/or rude things said to them, take heart. The Lord I know, the one who speaks to me through the sweet whisperings of the Spirit, doesn't do that. He loves us all, and infertility is not a punishment.

FEAR vs. FAITH

2008-10-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

In my life, I continue to ask myself am I making decisions out of fear or faith???

At our lunch group on Friday, we were talking about past relationships and how sometimes patterns tend to repeat themselves.

I was reminded of a time in high school when a friend I was hanging out with asked me to choose - if I was going to play it safe and stay "outside the fire" --thanks to Garth Brooks -- because of fear, or if I was going to "step inside the fire" with faith. My conscious decision to take a big risk lead to a great love and a meaningful relationship.

I too am facing a new "fire" as we risk putting ourselves out there in hopes of adopting another child. As I was pondering the risk, I realized fear is the only that holds me back. Fear of time, fear of losing money, fear of not being selected, fear of the birth mother's expectations, and fear of another loss. For me these fears are real, as they are for many of you.

But if I let go of fear, the decision to LOVE and have complete FAITH in Heavenly Father's plan for me and my family is easy. My heart opens to embrace the joys of loving more fully, with less conditions. And experience more true faith, in which I doubt less.

My prayer is we continue to choose faith over fear! Enjoying the joy in the journey a bit more!!

Looking for Advice

2008-09-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi sisters. I am new to the blog and have been touched by your experiences shared and the invitation to belong to this support group.
Me and my husband have been married for five years and have been doing inferility treatments and testing for the past three years. This summer we were elated when an IUI treatment was successful and we were pregnant! It was a very exciting and special eleven weeks until our baby's heart stopped 15 days ago. We have been dealing with the loss of our sweet baby as well as the loss of our dream of starting a family finally coming true.
Part of the struggle with our miscarriage was telling all of the many people that had encouraged and supported us, and I was dreading all of the comments about "how this happens for a reason" or maybe if we would have done something differently... I have been surprised and glad that most people have just expressed sympathy, until last week after my D&C a family member asked my husband if I had "had my abortion yet". He told her that was not a good choice of words, but it really hurt me and I worry about her telling other people that we aborted our baby.
So my question is, how do you deal with hurtful comments? Is it better to try and educate people about what they are saying that is incorrect, or is it better to let things go and not risk also offending them?
I hope this is an OK post, especially because it is kind of grumpy and I am new to the group! Others just don't understand quite the same or haven't gone through these trials.
I look forward to getting to know you better~
RaeAnn

My Miracle

2008-09-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I have posted anything, but since reading Sherydon's exciting news - I thought I would share mine. As you might remember from my previous post - my issues of infertility deal with the ability to carry a child to full term. I have lost 3 babies to first trimester miscarriages and my tiny son Nathan was born 4.5 months premature and lived ten minutes. When I wrote my last post I was 7 months pregnant and on full bed rest because I once again began dilating and contracting at 4 months. Well on August 10th at 35 weeks pregnant I gave birth to a beautiful red headed little girl named Hannah. The delivery was very dramatic and scary. Multiple doctors and crash teams were brought in. My blood pressure went from 120/80 to 50/35. Hannah arrived and was pretty blue and very banged up due to the doctors having to manually pull her out. She was rushed to NICU where she spent a week due to a undetected heart condition. She is now doing well and the doctors will continue to monitor her heart as she grows. I feel truly blessed to have her as the doctors once again reminded us in the delivery room that they were amazed she had made it to 35 weeks and through the delivery. I am so grateful for this little miracle from heaven. I know that our Father in Heaven is mindful of all of us during our trials and he will bless us all -- sometimes we just have to wait and endure until that time -- whatever that trial maybe.

(Hannah at 3 weeks - we blessed her at home so she wouldn't be exposed to a lot of people due to her health issues.)

A miracle in my life.....

2008-09-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

After some sweet nudging from Kerith, she has encouraged me to share about the miracle that has changed my life.

Ladies, I am pregant. You were the first people i wanted to shout this wonderful news to. I have been so apprehensive about sharing because i really don't want anyone to think that im rubbing it in, or being insensitive. I don't want anyone to feel anything negative towards me or the situation. Please know that im mindful of each and every one of you. If you don't mind, i'll quickly share my story and be done.

.......When Nick and I went to the RCC on the 26th of Aug. I could feel that i was ovualting so after the evaluation with Dr. Blouer, i asked him when it is best to try when ovulating. I informed him that my current ob gyn had instructed me to wait until 2 days after the LH test was positive before "trying". Dr. Blouer wasn't too fond of that idea and told Nick,"You go home and get her, Nick!" We just giggled, it was too funny to hear him say that. He made a distinct remark that we will remember for the rest of our lives,"Maybe she'll get pregnant so you wont have to spend anymore money!" Ya right!! We hadn't planned on using clomid or doing an IUI because of this Dr. visit, and the fundraiser. I knew that i was going to be so stressed with the fundraiser and if by some crazy miracle i did get pregnant, i didnt' want to miscarry. So my cycle in August was all natural.

Last Wenesday i began with cramps early in the morning and a little spotting, so i took my nessecities with me to work along with a heating pad and tylenol. The whole day was unbearable, i kept watching for my period but nothing but spotting. I figured tomorrow i would probly start. Wednesday night i had cramping so bad that i couldn't sleep, at about 4am or so i gave in and took a percoset for the pain and called into work. At this point the cramps were so bad i had a beating pad on my back and was laying on one as well. I thought for sure i was having a cyst rutpure on my ovary. During that day the cramps lessoned, but still no period, i was getting so frusterated, i just wanted to get my depressing period over. Thursday night again, so much pain, no sleep and no period. I stayed home the next day with cramps and a headache and insatiable hunger that coudn't be filled. Still no period.

That afternoon, my mother had called me and during the conversation we were talking about this period that wasn't coming. She told me that she knew that soon enough i was going to be a mommy. I, as always, rolled my eyes and shrugged it off. My cousin called me and suggested that i take a pregnancy test. I shot her down and told her that i was over taking tests because as soon as i did, id start and be depressed.

When i got off of the phone, the thought kept nagging at me and i started couting the days since the 26th........17days. Um....i don't usually go over 12.? Wierd. I took the test and set it on the counter and figured eventually id go look. While i was watching Ellen a prenancy test commercial came on and reminded me to go look. I went in the bathroom with a bit of an attitude because i knew what it was going to say......Pregnant. I threw the stick, started crying and hyperventilating and called Nick...no answer, he was chasin cows on the forest and didn't have service.

I went to Evanston Regional to get a blood test and didn't get the results that night, Nick was so excited, we were both in shock. We kept saying,"Can you believe this? Can you believe were going to have a baby?". I went home and took 2 more tests just to make sure and lo and behold, all 3 tests were positive. I don't think i have ever felt so much relief, remorse and sheer happiness all at once.

I don't know why Heavenly Father chose to bless me and at times, i feel really guilty. I know that i haven't gone through as much as pretty much every woman on this blog and haven't endured it as long. All i know is that my testimony of faith has grown in leaps and bounds and i want each and everyone of you to know that WE will enjoy every minute for each and every one of you and WE will love this child with everything we have.

I want to thank everyone here for the great love and support you given me, even though we have never even met. Thank you Kim for starting this wonderful sounding board.

Are We Not All Mothers?

2008-09-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you have heard or read this talk, but I think it bears repeating here. It is one of my ALL-TIME favorite talks given by a woman who has never been married or had children. I was in the midst of fertility treatments when I heard her give this talk in women's conference, and I bawled my eyes out. I hope you all can feel the spirit of this message as keenly as I did seven years ago. -Beck

Motherhood is more than bearing children. … It is the essence of who we are as women.

Sheri L. Dew
Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency (September 2001)

This summer four teenage nieces and I shared a tense Sunday evening when we set out walking from a downtown hotel in a city we were visiting to a nearby chapel where I was to speak. I had made that walk many times, but that evening we suddenly found ourselves engulfed by an enormous mob of drunken parade-goers. It was no place for four teenage girls, or their aunt, I might add. But with the streets closed to traffic, we had no choice but to keep walking. Over the din, I shouted to the girls, “Stay right with me.” As we maneuvered through the crush of humanity, the only thing on my mind was my nieces’ safety.

Thankfully, we finally made it to the chapel. But for one unnerving hour, I better understood how mothers who forgo their own safety to protect a child must feel. My siblings had entrusted me with their daughters, whom I love, and I would have done anything to lead them to safety. Likewise, our Father has entrusted us as women with His children, and He has asked us to love them and help lead them safely past the dangers of mortality back home.

Loving and leading—these words summarize not only the all-consuming work of the Father and the Son, but the essence of our labor, for our work is to help the Lord with His work. How, then, may we as Latter-day women of God best help the Lord with His work?

Prophets have repeatedly answered this question, as did the First Presidency six decades ago when they called motherhood “the highest, holiest service … assumed by mankind.”

Have you ever wondered why prophets have taught the doctrine of motherhood—and it is doctrine—again and again? I have. I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple—all of which teach an ennobling doctrine regarding our most crucial role as women. It is a doctrine about which we must be clear if we hope to stand “steadfast and immovable” regarding the issues that swirl around our gender. For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living” —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

President Gordon B. Hinckley stated that “God planted within women something divine.” That something is the gift and the gifts of motherhood. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that “men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls … and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.”

Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”

Nevertheless, the subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was “glad” after the Fall, realizing she otherwise “never should have had seed.” And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: “Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.”

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.

Eve set the pattern. In addition to bearing children, she mothered all of mankind when she made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,” Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every sister in Relief Society, which is the most significant community of women on this side of the veil, is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. This means our friendship with them must begin long before they turn 18. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord’s kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.

Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us. I was thrilled recently to see one of my youth leaders for the first time in years. As a teenager who had absolutely no self-confidence, I always sidled up to this woman because she would put her arm around me and say, “You are just the best girl!” She loved me, so I let her lead me. How many young men and women are desperate for your love and leadership? Do we fully realize that our influence as mothers in Israel is irreplaceable and eternal?

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon for Mother to wake me in the middle of the night and say, “Sheri, take your pillow and go downstairs.” I knew what that meant. It meant a tornado was coming, and I was instantly afraid. But then Mother would say, “Sheri, everything will be OK.” Her words always calmed me. Today, decades later, when life seems overwhelming or frightening, I call Mother and wait for her to say, “Everything will be OK.”

Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security, and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, “I am just a mother,” for mothers heal the souls of men.

Look around. Who needs you and your influence? If we really want to make a difference, it will happen as we mother those we have borne and those we are willing to bear with. If we will stay right with our youth—meaning, if we will love them—in most cases they will stay right with us—meaning, they will let us lead them.

As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.

We just can’t let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence.

I know, I absolutely know, that these doctrines about our divine role are true, and that when understood they bring peace and purpose to all women. My dear sisters, whom I love more than I know how to express, will you rise to the challenge of being mothers in these perilous times, though doing so may test the last ounce of your endurance and courage and faith? Will you stand steadfast and immovable as a mother in Israel and a woman of God? Our Father and His Only Begotten Son have given us a sacred stewardship and a holy crown in their kingdom. May we rejoice in it. And may we be worthy of Their trust. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Are You My Mother?

2008-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had an unusual experience at church.

We had a combined YW lesson on Divine Nature, of which there is a discussion about the divine role and stewardship of mothers. We have a few leaders who brand new babies. Our teacher presenting the lesson asked one of these mothers (Brooke) to share her thoughts on "the stewardship or motherhood". Being a young mother with a new baby, she went to feed her child during the lesson. Before leaving, she leaned over and asked me if I would help out by sharing my thoughts.

When it came time for the this part of the lesson our teacher asked if Brooke was here. I then replied, she had to feed the baby and I was happy to step in when ready. Awkwardly, she asked me if I knew what the assigned topic was. I said Brooke asked me to share my thoughts on the role of mothers. Our teacher than introduced the topic of motherhood, and then asked (avoiding any eye contact with me and directly looking at the other leaders who have born biological children) "if there are any mothers willing to share their experiences of having a child." She started her discussion by sharing of her "sacred" experience of having a spirit child in her body and then looking into this little child's face at birth and what a wonderful opportunity that has been. She then asked again if anyone was willing to share - only one offered comments regarding the unique experience of being able to tell how different each spirit child was by each individual pregnancy. Then she moved on to the rest of the lesson.

I handled myself fairly well, only let out a few silent tears. Even enjoying the rest of what was shared. After class, I felt fine and was ready for the next thing. Which happened to be temple recommend interviews. I was waiting in line, when my YW Pres. came over and validated my role as a mother and recognized my offerings in this discussion are of the same value as those who have born children.

In 5 years, I haven't been this caught of guard by someone's narrow view of motherhood.

Am I not a mother? Is my stewardship any different? Isn't my divine purpose of motherhood the same as others?

YES! YES!! AND YES!!!

I LONGED TO BE A MOTHER.....

2008-09-13T13:53:00.001-07:00

Hey Girls just wanted to share this sweet story and let all of you know I am thinking about you.

-Love Kim

I longed to be a Mother
By Tamara A. Ilich

My struggle with not having children left me in turmoil. Could I ever find peace?
As a child, I never had any reason to doubt that I would be a mother when I grew up. It was the strongest desire of my heart. I began training myself for the job when I was a little girl, pretending my dolls were real babies, closely watching parents with their children, even working as a nanny for five months when I was 18.
So when I found myself struggling with infertility at the beginning of my newly married life at age 23, I was more than a little stunned. I felt defensive and confused when people asked when my husband and I would be having a baby. I answered their questions in a lighthearted way, but my heart was growing heavy. I thought my body was betraying me, and though I didn’t show it at first, I was in turmoil.
Little things seemed to make the pain most acute, like traditions I brought into my marriage from my own family. For example, Christmas had always been a time for baking cookies and sharing them with children, so I baked. Only after the baking was finished did I realize that the children for whom I carried on these traditions were absent. I also thought Christmas gifts and decorations were primarily for children—the children I didn’t have.
Everywhere I looked, I saw painful reminders of what I lacked. In the spring, a pair of birds raised their babies in the eaves above our front door. It seemed that women all around me were pregnant. People who mistreated their children and therefore didn’t seem to deserve them still had them. It seemed that everyone and everything but me could “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Gen. 1:28).
My husband and I received fertility treatments. We fasted. My family fasted. We prayed. Our names were added to temple prayer rolls. Still no baby.
I tried to bargain with Heavenly Father in an effort to find the key that would turn the lock and reverse infertility for me. I believed in miracles, and I was desperate for one. I was sure that the answer lay in some law I needed to live better; I just needed to figure out which law it was. But trying to change myself didn’t change my childless state.
My spiritual struggle lasted for more than seven years. During that time, my relationship with my Father in Heaven was affected. It seemed that every prayer I said was directed toward my goal of having children. After my disbelief wore thin, I found myself angry. I became less and less humble. Soon I lost the desire to pray altogether.
I alienated everyone around me. I cried during Mother’s Day sacrament meeting programs, never thinking to honor my own mother because I was too wrapped up in my own sorrow. Relatives hesitated to tell me of new babies to be born, and people at church didn’t know what to say. Hearing that perhaps I was not yet ready to be a mother made me cringe. How could that be when I was never told how to get ready? Nor was it a comfort to know that blessings withheld in this life would be granted in the eternities if I was worthy; I was in pain today.
Worst of all, I alienated my husband. In the beginning of our relationship, while we dated, he had been attracted to me because I seemed carefree and effervescent. Now, even that quality was lost in my struggle. Parenting had also been a lifelong dream for my husband, but he came to believe that it would be better for us to stop trying rather than to bring such misery into our home through our unsuccessful efforts. I felt betrayed by his suggestion. My pain left no room for his, and I believed that no one understood my feelings. I felt very alone.
Toward the end of the first seven years of my infertility experience, I was extended a calling as a Relief Society teacher. I accepted the calling even though I felt spiritually depleted and unworthy. I returned to my knees, but instead of praying for myself this time, I prayed for the sisters in Relief Society. I wanted to be able to teach so that hearts could be touched and gospel principles understood. I wanted to bring hope and help to renew the resolve to live whichever gospel principles I was teaching. I knew these things could be accomplished only through the Spirit of the Lord, so I sought the Spirit as I studied and prepared, and I fasted and prayed for His influence to accompany my teaching.
Little did I know, but the effort I was giving for the Relief Society sisters was preparing my heart to be healed. It was while I was teaching one of the lessons that I realized I believed my long unanswered prayers for a baby meant that I was not loved. This realization brought me once again to my knees. I prayed for myself, but now my prayer did not concern my childlessness. What I asked was simply, “Do you love me?”
As soon as I uttered that question, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love, joy, and peace. Like Alma, I had been in the “gall of bitterness,” but “I could remember my pains no more.” Indeed, “my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:18–20).
From that moment, I began to better understand the Atonement. In Gethsemane our Savior took upon Himself the pains, sicknesses, and infirmities of His people so that He would know how to succor them according to their infirmities (see Heb. 4:15; Alma 7:11–12). He sweat great drops of blood as He suffered for all of the afflictions that result from living in a telestial world. Before this answer to prayer, I understood that He did what He did for the world. Now, I understood that His sufferings were also for me.
I knew that because of the Atonement, the Savior understood the nuances of my pain. Because He knew my experience, I did not have to feel alone. My understanding of the Atonement and of the Savior’s love for me were forever changed. Now I have hope. I have joy.
About a year after that answer to my prayer, Heavenly Father blessed my husband and me with a beautiful adopted daughter. I do not know if our home will be blessed with more children, but one thing I do know:
I am loved, and my Savior knows me by name. With joy, I strive to pass on this understanding to the heart of our child.
Most of us will have to experience heart-wrenching adversity at one time or another. Infertility was my greatest trial. Although I still do not understand why I have never been blessed with the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, I realize it is not essential for me to understand why—that understanding will come at a later time. What matters is that I know that the same Jesus Christ who walked on the earth, healing spiritual and physical sickness of every kind, has healed the sickness that infertility created in my heart. He lives, and my knowledge of His love and of His Atonement is a greater gift than any other—even the gift of being a mother.

Not so much

2008-09-11T10:43:00.001-07:00

Yeah, as I kind of suspected, our third IUI didn't work out. But at least I feel like I've given IUI's a genuine chance to work, so now we know we have to move on to other things. Other than the cramps and occasional bouts of sadness, I'm pretty okay with all of this. Though my sister-in-law just had a baby last night and is already complaining about her lack of sleep...I'm thinking of steering clear of that situation until I'm in a better place.

What's everyone else up to? Any news or progress or decisions made?

Third Time's a Charm?

2008-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hi all, after an extended absence from blogland, I'm back. Tomorrow morning Brian and I are going in for a 3rd (and final) IUI. We felt like it'd be good to give it one more shot. If it doesn't work, then we'll do either in vitro or adopt. Wish us luck!

If anyone is wondering about the whole donor sperm thing, we actually reached a decision. Before our trip the bishop called us in on an unrelated matter (changing callings), but we decided to take the opportunity to remind him of our situation and get his take on all of this. He was kind and encouraging, and didn't necessarily warn us against using donor sperm. He just said he knew that we'd make the right decision for us, and reminded us that if all of this infertility stuff doesn't work out, there are still beautiful blessings to be had through the miracle of adoption. After a week on vacation at the beach, we came to the conclusion that for now, donor sperm just isn't right for us. We might revisit that option in the future, but neither of us felt 100% comfortable with it right now.

On a positive note, I think Brian's opinion of adoption is changing. Unfortunately, the costs for both in vitro and adoption are staggering. If this IUI doesn't work out, we might just get our adoption papers together and get on a list while continuing to try naturally for the next few months. If we got chosen quickly, we would have enough money to pay for the adoption plus a bit leftover to use for future fertility treatments a few years down the road. On the other hand, if we just did in vitro, I feel like we'd be putting all of our eggs in only 2 baskets (pardon the pun), because we only have enough money to try it twice, max, and then we're out of money and unable to afford an adoption.

I feel like this is definitely major progress for us, and I know the Lord's plan for us will be revealed as long as we are prayerful.

The Test.....

2008-08-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry for so many posts. My cousin had me listen to this song and i have searched high and low for the lyrics or a video or something because this song talks about faith in your trials, i listen to it over and over again. I love it!! Her is a little tidbit, if you can download it and listen to it i promise you wont be disappointed!!

~Tell me friend, I see your trials,Why doesn't He who worked the miracles send solace to his child?
Tell me friend, if you understand,Why doesn't He with pow'r to raise the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him. I watch you and in sorrow question why?
Then you, my friend, in perfect faith reply:
(Chorus)
Didn't He say He sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure?
After the trial we will be blessed, but this life is the test.

Reproductive Care Center............

2008-08-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Nick and I have made an appointment for August 26 to have a consult with an RE. Im excited, but not really. More scared than anything. We wont be starting this month however. I have been putting together a fund raiser for my cousins little boy for Sept. 6, and i don't want to have to take all that medicine and hormones and have the stress of the benefit as well, so we'll wait until September. I guess in a way, a little procrastination as talked about in the previous post? I think a little!! As for now, we haven't made a decision about putting our adoption papers in yet!! Hope everyone is doing well.

Procrastination or legitimately busy?

2008-08-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

Have any of you done this before? Taken a step or two towards adding to your family, then suddenly jerked to a stop?

Because I'm there.

Went to the RE clear back in May, had some tests, now I've stopped short of the HSG test that will tell me if IUIs are still a good option or not. It's not that I'm afraid of the test - I've had too many horribly painful ones (try a uterine biopsy- that one hurts!) to have that be my concern, but I find myself just stopped at this crossroads trying to figure out why my feet won't move. And it isn't just with infertitlity stuff: We met with LDS family back in May as well. Our social worker gave us the initial paperwork to fill out, and do I even know where it is at this very moment? Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know where it is, but have I even looked at it since that day? Nope.

I tell myself that it's because we're busy trying to sell our home, or that DH has been gone too much to make scheduling the HSG nearly impossible, but I fear that the reality of it lies somewhere in the realm of frightened procrastination.

I mean, sure, I'd really like to lose about 30 pounds before starting the treatments that ballooned my weight up 30 pounds when I did them before, but I'm starting to think that the layer of dust on the treadmill makes it look sophisticated, much like the graying hair on a man. And the fact that we had a message on our answering machine from the social worker asking if we are still interested in adopting hasn't sent me into panic mode, just made me want to drag my feet a little slower to avoid having to make that decision.

What is wrong with me????

2008-08-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

Does invitro hurt?

If we all hung our trials on a closeline...would you choose your own?

2008-08-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

Im not posting this to make it sound like our trials are minute because they are huge to us and everyone feels pain. I just felt i needed to share this.

Glenda posted a blog about a woman who lost her daughter to choking on an apple. I love to blog surf so i figured id check it out....
Such an amazing woman and a heart wrenching story. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering this woman has been through. I look at my trial and realize that even though Nick and I's arms seem empty, i would rather feel this way forever than had to endure loving and losing a child. Today I am so greatful for my trial.
Hopefully im not stepping on any toes!! Check it out if you have time.
http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com

Omitted

2008-08-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the nice comments people left. It's always great to meet others who have been through what you've gone through, but I left out one part of the story (because it was waaaay too long already) and that is that I've just recently been to see an RE up at the U who says my chances for getting pregnant are excellent if we do IUIs again. Which has, unfortunately started the whole raging conflict over again (and is one reason for joining all you incredible women on this blog)! We just went to ask about getting some blood tests done to see if there is a reason for my 2 failed pregnancies and instead of just coming out of the initial Dr appointment with a prescription for a bunch of blood tests (that I can't begin to pronounce, or spell), we walked out with hope. And in so many ways that was more frustrating because I thought that all of this infertility stuff was behind me. I felt like I'd somehow stepped back in time about 5 years, and it was, well, almost like drowning in bad memories.

So we did the tests and all but one came back negative, which the Dr's nurse said probably means that there are no blood disorders causing miscarriage. At the sonohystogram appointment (to check for uterine abnormalities) he said I am borderline PCOS, and that if I wanted to do an HSG to check to see if my tubes are open (common problem with endo), I could schedule that at any time--which I haven't done. Right now I just can't bring myself to even look at the possibility of going back through the ups and downs of clomid (or injectibles and all of the risks associated with that!) as well as starting to pee on those "period starter" sticks again (aka pregnancy tests).

Like I said, the memories are getting deeper and I'm not sure that I can wade my way out to even think clearly about the possibilities.

A Guardian Angel

2008-07-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

I know many of the women on here have adopted through LDS Family Services, and have had great experiences. However, if you're thinking about adopting again and have some financial flexibility, you might want to consider going through A Guardian Angel. It's an adoption agency based in Salt Lake City, but as far as I know they're open to out-of-state couples. My cousin's good friends used A Guardian Angel because the wife's mother is a caseworker there, and apparently the agency often has more babies than families wanting them. From what I've told, their average wait time is 2 months or less! Another reason why this couple used A Guardian Angel is that apparently LDS Family Services just has way more adoptive couples than birth moms placing through them, meaning longer waits. So, for them, it was the way to go. They adopted a darling baby girl a little more than a year ago. Then, a few months ago, they got another call because the same birth mother was pregnant again and wanted to know if they'd like to adopt the new baby as well. So in less than 2 years, they have 2 beautiful kids!

The only potential negatives of A Guardian Angel, depending on your personal preferences and financial situation, are that A Guardian Angel is much more expensive than LDS (like $20,000) and tends to have more mixed race/non-white babies available for placement sooner (so it might be hard if you're white and would like to adopt a baby who looks as much like you as possible). For us, if our medical stuff doesn't pan out, this might be the right choice. I just don't care about the race thing, and I'd feel a lot better about spending some serious cash when a baby is the guaranteed result (and that result comes quicker!). Anyhow, just thought I'd share.

Here's the website--I just sent away for a free information packet. It might be useful for anyone wanting to know their options.

Mandatory trust in God

2008-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here is the (believe it or not) shortened version of our journey to parenthood. Read at the risk of becoming very, very bored... :)

Before DH and I were married almost 11 years ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, so five months into the marriage, we stopped all preventative methods, and waited nonchalantly for pregnancy to commence. About two years later we started to get worried, so DH went in for some tests at the suggestion of my OB. They found a very minor problem, fixed it with surgery, and we left it at that. Right before we bought our current home, I was surprised one day by horrible pain that was followed immediately by AF (Aunt Flo). Two days later I mentioned it to my mom, who told me to call the OB because it sounded like a miscarriage to her. The OB said it probably was a miscarriage, and that if AF lasted too long to make sure I called them back. Even though I didn't know I might be pregnant, hearing that it probably was a miscarriage gave me a lot of hope that I wouldn't have to go see a specialist after all.

Then enters the saga of the house (which actually is important to the story): I didn't really want to move, but the DH was tired of paying rent, so we began looking at homes. We passed over our current home several times before we actually toured it with our realtor. I was ready to give up the hunt, but that night we both had very similar dreams about living in the house, and after about a week of me stewing over not wanting to move again, we made an offer which was quickly accepted. We moved into an awesome ward, and a few weeks later the bishop tried to call me into primary (Let's put her in with all those KIDS! That will make her feel better about her inability to conceive.), which, after a lot of prayer, I refused. The following week I was called as the Beehive advisor in YW, where I served for almost 3 years.

After another 2 1/2 years with no success, we finally went to see a new DR. He wasn't an RE, but he had a definite plan of attack to find out what, if anything was wrong, and then a treatment plan that seemed completely financially reasonable. After tests determined I had CLPD (lining issues), and a "hostile" environment to DH's swimmers, we went the IUI route. After six IUIs, we found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy ended 8 weeks later as an ultrasound tech told us that there was no heartbeat. I took the photo of our baby home with me, and the next day had a D&C because I couldn't stand the thought of carrying my dead baby around inside of me for who knew how long before my body decided to expel it. We tried 3 more rounds of IUIs with no success and I slowly got angrier and angrier at God for taking my baby and making me suffer with infertility while even "stupid" teenagers could get knocked up without even trying. It consumed me, and even though I continued to be active in church, I just dreaded going every Sunday. Around this time I was released from YW and called to be a RS teacher which helped to strengthen the little I had left of my testimony. Meanwhile, we had been thinking more and more about adoption (since we'd spent so much on treatments, surgeries (3 for my endo), tests, etc) and decided to go fasting to the temple to see if this was the course we should take. I bawled when I knew that it was right because a huge part of me was not ready to let go of all of my dreams about having a baby that looked like us or had DH's amazing talents. So we stopped the IUIs, and contacted LDS Family Svcs. Before I could bring myself to fill out any of the paperwork, the DH lost his job, which brought any plans for a family to a screeching halt.

DH eventually found a new job, and we commenced the monumental task of filling out paperwork for an adoption, taking well over a year to complete everything. Almost another year later I was called to serve in the Primary. I struggled with accepting the calling (making the new president wait for over a month while I prayed and cried and cried and prayed), but eventually felt like it wouldn't be too horrendous to see kids that were about the same age my baby would have been. I became close friends with our president (who was the mother of one of my former Beehives) and one Sunday as I was telling her my frustrations about some of our friends being picked by a birth-mom after only having been approved for 4 months (we having been approved for 16 months), she told me that it might happen sooner than I thought. I told her that I really didn't think so, and then she, very haltingly, told me that her daughter (Erica), my former YW, was pregnant.

We hadn't wanted an open adoption at all and were extemely worried about how something like this would work, but through the next few months, as Erica and her family spent time with us, things just seemed peaceful. Since Erica and I had a good rapport from YW days, she spent a lot of time at our house and we came to love Erica for herself- not at all for the baby she was carrying- and our love and concern for her well-being took center stage as we went through the pregnancy with her. We were constantly telling her that it would be fine if she changed her mind after she had the baby (which, I can tell you was the honest truth), but she continually told us that she knew that the baby was meant for our family. We had several long talks with her parents about the situation, and as a result became fast friends.

I finally discovered after 9 1/2 years of marriage that God had been ever-watchful, guiding me through my darkest hours to shape me into the woman I am slowly becoming. He guided DH and I to our home where we became part of an incredible ward family that eventually led us to our daughter and a bigger extended "family" than we ever imagined. Our journey to parenthood was a difficult one that I can now see was only complicated by my anger at God. Fortunately for me, God is very patient and forgiving, and even though I probably didn't deserve it, he led me to a situation that allowed me so many wonderful experiences, including being able to help Erica as she brought a beautiful little girl into the world. My amazing daughter is proof that God knows each of us, individually - our hopes, dreams, righteous desires as well as what each of us can handle.

Wishing you luck with all of your righteous endeavors,

Beck

Donor Sperm Dilemma

2008-07-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

So, we're back from our vacation and no closer to deciding what to do about the donor sperm vs. IVF/ISCI decision we have to make. My OPK test turned positive Saturday afternoon, but we wouldn't be back home in time to do an IUI, so we just went au natural. Surprisingly, I feel really at peace either way. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like it would be the end of the world if I didn't get pregnant this month (but in 2 weeks maybe I'll feel differently!). Oh, and it's also kind of weird that we'll find out if I'm pregnant on the anniversary of our first date--isn't it so girly to keep track of stuff like that?

Anyway, my reason for posting is that when I blogged a few days ago about our last appointment, many of you mentioned how using donor sperm was just not for you, or how you didn't feel right about it given the Church's guidelines. From what I've heard, this seems to be very common among LDS couples--no one wants to use donor sperm. I'm never one to question personal revelation, so if you prayed about it and just got a "no", then that's one thing. But am I missing something else? Does anyone know why LDS couples, in particular, are really reluctant to use donor sperm?

Granted, I haven't thought about it all that long, and Brian and I still don't feel like we've been given a definitive answer one way or another to our prayers, but I don't see anything all that wrong with it. Sure, I can see the Church having a problem with men going off and donating sperm for money, or single women (or a lesbian couple, for that matter) opting to forgo marriage and a traditional family structure and using donor sperm to get pregnant on her/their own. But I don't know why, other than the Lord specifically answering a prayer, the Church would have a problem with a stable, married, heterosexual couple using donor sperm to help them multiply and replenish the earth.

A few weeks ago, we spoke to our bishop again about our fertility struggles. He was, of course, very kind and reassuring. I mentioned donor sperm as an option down the road, but he didn't mention anything about Church guidelines or caution us to beware of that option. I know he's been preoccupied lately with the declining health of his parents, so maybe he was distracted? I know that particularly in our ward, our bishop is especially busy with members whose needs are more urgent than ours (rent money, food, child care, etc.). I don't want to bother him yet again with something I could research on my own. Does anyone know where I could find these guidelines?

During the time we've been thinking and praying about this whole donor sperm thing, I know that there's something a bit lopsided and potentially unfair about us having a baby that is biologically 1/2 mine and possibly 1/2 a stranger's. But at the same time, I think (though having never had a child, I don't have a whole lot of perspective) that the experience of pregnancy and childbirth are fundamentally different for men and women. I think that for women, motherhood and that special bond begin at the moment she learns she's pregnant. I think that throughout the pregnancy, and subsequent childbirth and breastfeeding, that bond only intensifies. But I don't think it's the same for men--they don't feel anything inside of them growing, don't actually give birth, and don't breastfeed. So for them, I think until the baby has arrived, their job is more passive, and they're more responsible for sympathy and support. So what difference is there, really, for them if you have a baby naturally (who is one or both of yours biologically) or adopt a baby (who is, biologically, neither of yours)? Not a whole lot, other than not dealing with a pregnant or laboring wife. But for a woman, even though the end result is similar, you're missing out on a lot more.

I don't want to offend anyone who has adopted. I think adoption is truly inspired, and is a beautiful blessing for both the adoptive couple and the child. I think that the most important thing is that they're an eternal family, and how they came to be an eternal family is much less important. It's definitely something we've thought about, and if we exhaust our medical options, we will definitely be pursuing it. But I'm just not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding. And if our options are either using donor sperm or adopting a baby (rather than spending money on IVF) I think I want to at least try using donor sperm. Again, we're nowhere near a decision on this, I'm just putting my thoughts out there a soliciting everyone else's thoughts.

3rd IUI........

2008-07-28T10:02:00.001-07:00

With my last IUI failing, my doctor put me on the lowest dose Clomid and on Friday I went in for my day 12 ultrasound. We found that my left ovary isn't even ovulating and my right ovary has 4 eggs, he thought that one might not make it. The dr. scheduled me to come in on Sunday July 27 (yesterday) for number 3!

This month was done a little differently because my OB has had me come in 2 days after my ovulation test is positive. I can always feel when im ovualting so i don't take the test. But when they checked on the day 12 (Friday) i was almost ready to release the eggs. Friday night i began to feel that i was ovulating. Maybe this month were getting to the eggs earlier, who knows. Anywho, i hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!

Random Questions

2008-07-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure that I belong on this blog as I have been blessed with a beautiful nine month old daughter and another baby on the way. But, I have several reasons why I find this blog to be special and a great resource.

I personally can't relate to the inability to conceive - my problem is I have a difficult time staying pregnant. I have lost 3 babies to miscarriages, and beautiful tiny son born at 20 weeks and lived for 10 minutes. My 4th pregnancy resulted in a beautiful little girl born a month early and I am currently on my 5th pregnancy with another little girl due in September. With these last two pregnancies I have spent 60% of them on full bed rest, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and over 40 hospitalizations due to insulin dependent diabetes, pre-clamsia, and pre-term labor. Today at the dr.'s we were told that they will deliver this baby in 3 weeks in order to make sure she makes it here and to stop further problems with of health. The doctor also informed us that we shouldn't have another baby because of the major health issues that arise when I am pregnant. It's a huge blow, that I know many of you know all to well - when you realize that the family you always imagined isn't to be. I am indeed grateful to have the two babies that I have - but I always pictured a bigger family.

Anyhow enough of that - but another reason I find this blog to be so helpful is that I have a sister and a sister in law who have not been able to conceive at all. It makes it so very difficult to be the pregnant sister to these beautiful women - as I don't know what to say to them when I get pregnant, I don't feel that I can complain about the problems I face when I am pregnant, in many ways I feel that I can't be real with them. I miss my sisters and wish that I could call and confide to them, but I know that it just hurts them.

Infertility not only affects those who are trying to have a baby, but all of those around them. As family members or friends we feel like we are walking on egg shells when it comes to announcing a baby, or planning that shower, or milestones that happen. We feel like jerks if we say anything, yet we feel like jerks if we don't include them - it really is a lose lose situation for all. Any suggestions from the group on how to handle these awkward situations?

Lastly, I should mention that I am therapist and that for a couple of years I worked with LDS family services. I have specifically worked with birth mothers and fathers. The process of adoption and selecting adoptive families is truly a spiritual one. Adoption is a gift from heaven for all parties involved.

Anyhow, I hope you don't mind me sharing - Thanks.