My Intro (dd mentioned)

Thank you for allowing me to say hi, I’ve enjoyed this blog so much! Hopefully anyone else who is new can also introduce themselves also. My name is Tamara, age 29 and my hubby and I live in the SLC valley. Been married eight years, TTC since 2003 and have never experienced a pregnancy. Our dx is male factor, specifically tetrazoospermia which basically is low counts, poor progressive motility and he has 0% morphology (all the wrong shape). We’ve had one failed IUI and then shortly after learned that IVF w/ ICSI is the only option we really have fertility wise.

After trying for four years we came to a crossroads of trying IVF or pursuing adoption. From the start we felt very guided by the spirit that we were supposed to pursue adoption at that time. I could write a novel about our adoption experience but to spare you all here it is in a nutshell. Started paperwork 06/2006, approved 01/2007, started emailing with her bmom 05/2007, officially matched 07/2007, and DD born in late 10/2007. Boy that makes it seem so simple which is wasn't! Her birthfather contested two weeks after placement and I spent four months in Michigan in a legal mess waiting for hearings, court trials etc because ICPC wouldn't clear us to come home. Being a new mom was the most wonderful experience, but those early months were greatly overshadowed by the legal mess and we weren’t certain that we’d be able to keep her. It was very hard. I would love to adopt again but I feel like I’m driven by so much fear. Fear in a failed match or placement, crazy birthfathers, another long uncertain match time, you name it. I don’t want to be hurt again. Once bitten twice shy right?

So that’s a bit of our history. We are preparing now to try IVF for the first time in a few months. We’ll most likely be cycling up at the U and even had our IVF consultation a few weeks ago. I’ve been spending hours online looking at different clinics trying to find the best bang for the buck that comes with good success rates. That’s a whole other topic for another post! I see there are a lot of people here with male factor. Have any of you done DNA fragmentation testing? If we go to the U we’d only really be able to afford one or “maybe” two cycles. But that would essentially drain us of all of our savings outside our retirement. Option 2 is to go to a clinic out of state that I found that is essentially the same price for the first cycle, but they offer a greatly discount rate for cycles 2 or 3 if you need them. But then there’s all that travel. I can’t really stomach the idea of paying the U’s $25K for a shared risk cycle, but we don't have anywhere near that amount saved up anyway. So I don’t know what to do! I hate that we have to spend this kind of money on these sorts of things.

Well that’s me in a nutshell. Nice to “meet” you all!

This is so true, and yet wouldn't it be fabulous if we could pick the time and season?

IVF Let Down

So, we went in for our IVF consultation today to begin the IVF process. After going over everything with us, our doctor said he just wanted to do a quick ultrasound, then he'd prescribe me birth control pills to begin taking with my next cycle so they could take control and manipulate it with IVF medications. He was extremely positive and thought that given my age and Brian's sperm (despite its limitations and problems), our chances of achieving pregnancy would be really good.

Unfortunately, things didn't go so well with the ultrasound. My right ovary and uterus looked normal, as usual, but not so much with my left ovary. Last July when I had my last ultrasound, he noted what appeared to be a small endometrioma/cyst on my left ovary. But he said it was probably no big deal and it didn't matter since he could see eggs being produced in that ovary. Well today the first thing he said when looking at it was "Whoa!" The small cyst had tripled in size in just 7 months, going from the size of a raisin to the size of a strawberry (2 cm to 6 cm). Incidentally, over the past year, since my cycle has regulated to about 30 days, my period have become extra painful. I just figured I was being a wimp and it has just been too long since I'd had periods that frequently (before being on the birth control shot when I was a newlywed). But I guess there was/is a reason for the pain.

So, instead of starting right now on IVF, our doctor recommended laparascopic surgery to drain and cauterize the huge cyst. Then I have to take medications for 3 months while it heals before we can start IVF. I know this is for the best and all, but I guess I had just gotten my heart set on doing this in March, and now we have to wait until June. Why is this stuff so dang frustrating?!

I NEED TO VENT!!!

Can I just scream for all of us....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Really this whole trial of faith and patience is so frustrating. Most days I can deal with it but today I am not doing so good. I just want to freak out! I know that my problems are so small in comparison to what others go through but the load feels so heavy at times. I am always putting on a brave face and pretending that I am doing okay. Most the time I am but there is ALWAYS this hole in my heart. I ache for another child and wish so badly I had a little control over this area of my life. So what should I be doing? Is there more I could be doing? Is my best good enough? These are all questions I lye in bed and ask myself. It makes me so sad to think I could have a week old baby right now if our IVF had worked. But that would have just been to easy, right. Although I feel I have moved on from the let down of our failed IVF there is no moving on from the fact I want another child. My heart reminds me every day that something is missing. It is just so hard that I can't do a thing about it.. I know that in the end this will all make perfect sense but what do I do with this hole in my heart untill then? I tried shopping but that didn't even help.

What to do?????

.my hsg results.

i need your opinion ladies..

i had my hsg this morning and the test itself wasn't too bad. yes, some cramping, but tolerable. anyway, i'm kinda wondering what my results mean. i had my test done in the outpatient radiology dept by a PA..and so i don't have the official results. anyway, the pa was having a very hard time getting my right tube "open." yes, it did finally show dye as did the left tube but he said he used 13 ml of dye and the "normal" open hsg he usually uses 6 ml. maybe i'm being neurotic about this, but doesn't that seem like that may have been the problem??

i guess the good news is both my tubes are open and no apparent uterine abnormalities were found. but i'm thinking now maybe we should just "try" naturally for the next 3 months since maybe the problem is fixed.

what do you think?? still go to my RE appt in the next couple weeks, or wait and see what happens.

thanks, ash

Healthy BOUNDARIES

Today at lunch, I jumped on the emotional bandwagon today and got heated about appropriate boundaries. My intention is not to offend, so please forgive if i did, but to help me clarify for myself and maybe help others who has struggled with the issue of boundaries.

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is setting and maintaining of clear boundaries and expectations. The most intriguing part to me is how in theory (or on paper) they are so clear and easy to see, however in reality much harder to understand and difficult to maintain.

In my life I have struggled with boundary issues. Where are the lines? Who is drawing them? What feels right? Do they need to adjust? Why are they continually challenged?? And so on ...

There are great lessons here for us to learn in pondering what our bondaries are ... whether it be in balancing our marriages, working with co-workers, fulfilling our callings, supporting our extended family, associating with birth mothers and most importantly in raising our kids. This is what I have learned (thus far ... i am sure there is more learning opportunities to come!!)

I CANNOT TAKE ON:
BLAME/RESPONSIBILITY for the life others create
GUILT for not being able to change things – they created it, they are the only ones who can change it
Someone else’s PAIN – the only person who can truly do this is the Savior
DRAMA – I can’t ride the roller coaster ride with others when I am on my own ride
CHANGE - I can't change something I didn't create


WHAT I CAN OFFER:
LOVE – true appreciation, gratitude and heart felt love for others
ENCOURAGEMENT – help others remember and find their strengths and truths in life
EMPATHY – my tender heart hopes to recognizes and be sensitive to others sorrows
SHARED EXPERIENCES – connecting about life’s journeys and lessons learned
HOPE - we can create better lives when we have faith (faith in our Savior creates hope, possibilities and purpose when they may not otherwise be any.)

Now if I could only remember these lessons learned when discipling my kids, I would not take on the guilt or responsibility of their bad choices. I am working on this and hope in a couple years I will be better at keeping my boundaries clear and fortified.

If you have any recommendations for creating or maintaining boundaries, please share. Or if you have created your own set of limits and offerings. I am interested in learning.

Lots of love - addie

.an appt.

hey everyone..
it's me, ashley. i just wanted to say thanks for the advice to see an RE without wasting anymore time on the OB/GYN. i have successfully made an appointment with the RCC in sandy. it seems that most of you have either been there or recommend it. i'll be seeing one of the MDs there in a couple weeks after i get my HSG next week. if you guys have any specific advice or heads up about what to expect or what to take to the appt i would greatly appreciate it. thanks again.

love ash

Contributer list?

Not sure how the list of contributers became a link to our blogs? I just want to make sure no one has a problem with this? I don't mind but my blog is private. Let me know if you would like me to change it. From now on please ask me before you make changes like that. There is a lot of personal info on blogs and I don't want to expose anyone who wants to keep things private.
Thanks a ton!
-Kim

THANKS!

Hey Girls,

I just wanted to say thank you for all your stories and feed back. You are what makes this blog so wonderful. I am looking for a favor. I am wondering if any of your husbands would be willing to share. I know this is a hard thing for men to do but it would be so great to hear the husbands side of things. I think lots of times we forget how hard it is for them as well.

Thanks again for all of your support, I really feel we are such a strength to each other.

Lots of Love,
Kim

Unanswered Prayers

I just finished reading a book you MUST read, it is called When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Micheal Wilcox.

It is short and easy to follow ... and very profound! His main message is one of encourage and hope as we recognize how the Lord teaches us through his constant love. He sights wonderful scriptural examples to show how "God blesses us in our fourth watch", how he has made our "ships tight like a dish", how he "carves holding places in our hearts", "he only offers bread and fish never stones", "how he can make all the negative things in our life good", "how we can bring forth good fruit no matter where we are planted", and how "he will wipe away all the tears of our soul".

It is a fabulous book that has reminded me lately how our prayers only seem unanswered due to our limited perspectives. If we put our trust in God's plan of happiness, we will have joy.

Much love to my sisters of faith,
Addie

Music

Am I the only one who likes to listens to songs that reflect my current mood or situation? Somehow it makes me feel better to have my thoughts and feelings expressed in music, hence my posts on "I Would Die for That" and "From God's Arms". Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm a real country music fan, but I do like the Dixie Chicks from time to time.

On one of their CD's, they wrote a song about struggling with infertility since at least 2 of the 3 band members have dealt with it. The song is called "So Hard", and you can listen to it HERE.

I especially like the lyrics:

Back when we started,
We didn't know how hard it was.
Living on nothing,
But what the wind would bring to us.
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for.
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong.
And I try my best to be strong.
But you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard.

It felt like a given,
Something a woman's born to do.
A natural ambition,
To see a reflection of me and you.

And I'd feel so guilty,
If that was a gift I couldn't give.
And could you be happy,
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out,
To prove everybody wrong.
And I need your help to move on,
Cause you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
So hard.

I can live for the moment,
When all these clouds open up for me to see,
And show me a vision,
Of you and me swimming peacefully.

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy.

It's so hard.

New and in need

Hi all.  My name is Sara.  My husband and I have been "trying to get pregnant"  for the past 3 years with no success(obviously).  I have had and HSG, plenty of ultrasounds, numerous drugs and injections.  I know there are many of you that have struggled far more than I have up to this point and I am in desperate need of someone who can relate to me.  So I turn to you.  I'm going to try to hold back how negative I feel right now so that I don't bombard all of you with Johnny Rain Cloud, however that best describes me at this point.  I say all of the following knowing that every single one of you knows what i am talking about, and so I look for advice.

  Every single friend I have is "preggers" ( :)hate the word) or has a kid or two.  I had one friend who had been trying for 2 years and just got pregnant.  I was so excited for her because i knew how she felt when she was trying.  Ever since it has been, "we went to the maternity store today!, we bought baby clothes today, etc.) I feel horrible. while I should be a good friend, I am having the hardest time being supportive.  I find myself looking for ways to avoid her. This is not right.  I'm at the point now where I can't go to baby showers.  Truly I am happy for all who are able to conceive and try to show I care.  I am just too darn sensitive to look through baby name books and talk about breast feeding.  Even worse than that though, I work at an OBGYN office.  I see the 14-15 year olds or meth addicts coming in and having babies.  They are so excited to play dress up with these sweet spirits from heaven.  It is frustrating.  I want to slap them.  I take a lot of phone calls from women who want abortions and I just transfer them to a nurse, i can't even talk to them.  We don't do them at our office, thank heaven!   

I just had my 1st IUI knowing that it probably wouldn't work on the 1st try.  No ones except for y'all.  I have already doomed it to failure even though I won't know anything for a week or so.  I am trying to be positive about it, but how can you be positive, without getting your hopes too high?  HELP!  Also the last injection I had to release the egg was horrible.  It didn't hurt, but I was definitely not myself after a couple of days.  I am always a positive person, happy to be alive and grateful for the blessings i do have.  This hormone made me want to kill anything in my path.  Okay, not literally, but man I felt like a beast!!  I think now it is wearing off and aside from blowing off a little steam, i'm feeling okay.  Do any of you have the friends or family that say, "oh, i had a friend that couldn't get pregnant for (x) years.  I hope that isn't you."  "all in due time sara."  (as they are holding their 5th child on their hip.)  :)  

One other thing I think I need to use control on is blogging.  I have payed attention to how I feel after a night of blogging.  I look at all of these beautiful children on all of my friends' blogs, and then i'm sad.  I should limit my time on the blogs.  Is this just me or do any of you find you have this same issue?  

I am so thankful that Hillary invited me to join this blog.  I feel like there was a reason she found my husband an in turn started talking to me.  It is so funny, interesting, I guess how Heavenly Father knows who and when to place people in our lives.  I hope that is wasn't a total drag reading this entry and i will definitely try hard next time to be a positive influence, but i am in desperate need of help here.  I know none of you can take my pain away, but if any one has any words of advice on how to cope with my own sensitive emotions, how to let out frustrations, and just plain how to deal.  I am talking to the bishop in our ward for a blessing, the 1st of many i'm sure, so I know that will help.  Any advice?

Thanks so much for all of your posts and I look forward to being and receiving support from this sisterhood!  Thanks, Sara

PS Eric and I will start the adoption process in his 3rd year of Pharmacy school.  Next year.  I don't know where to start or what to do or where to look, so ideas on that would be great as well.

Hi, I'm Addie's friend!

Thanks for letting me join. I have been married for 11 years in March and we don't have any children. We are hoping to adopt our first child through LDS Adoption services. I could use some advice on a couple of things:
1st one is how do I make sure not to get lost in the adoption process? We are now on our 4th caseworker and with this new beta site they are doing I can't get ours to work or anyone at the agency to feel urgent about helping me! I hope you all don't think I am just a complainer cause I really just need advice about how to get things done without having to be "tough" about it.
2nd thing is I have a sister who isn't married and is living with her 19 year old boyfriend. She just sprang on me last weekend that she is pregnant and they aren't planning on getting married till after the baby is born so she can get "Wick" (sp?) assistance. Now I know I should be a calm & supportive older sister but I can tell you that I am freaking out and not sure what to say. Any advice would be great. Thank you again.

{i'm new}

hello girls...

i'm new here. i was invited by my friend hillary and am extremely grateful i was. this infertility stuff isn't very fun and i'm excited and hopeful that making new friends that have similar problems will help with our journey to become parents.

my name is ashley owens and my husband, cameron, and i have only been trying to have a baby since last march. we have been married for over 5 years and are still madly in love. we know that we haven't had as much time as some dealing with infertility, but are quickly finding out that each and every month it doesn't happen that we are crushed and feel defeated. anyway, here's our story: i knew that something wasn't right after just a few months of trying. i have very regular cycles but was spotting about a week before each period...not really normal so naturally i thought i had a problem with low progesterone. knowing that wasn't a big deal to fix, i made an appt with my ob/gyn last november. he felt like i might be right in assuming low progesterone and he quickly prescribed 3 months of clomid to regulate my horomones and to make "better eggs," fixing the spotting in the mean time. cameron also had an SA and everything was "above average." well, we've done all 3 months of clomid and all were unsuccessful. it didn't really fix the spotting and consequently i had my progesterone drawn and it was 14 on CD24. normal. that's where we are now. i have an appt to see my MD again and we'll have to be discussing what our options are from here on out. i know he mentioned getting an hsg to check my tube patentcy and identify any obvious uterine problems. so there you go. i'm sure he'll offer to have us do IUI and maybe injectibles. what do you guys think??

if i always ovulate on my own would injectibles and IUI even be helpful?? especially if my hubby's sperm is great.?

or, would you just suggest a referral to an RE and skip out on the tests that the RE would probably just repeat?

i appreciate everyone welcoming me here and look forward to getting to know you all a little better. hopefully i can be of some support too, as this really is so hard when everyone around can do it so easily. thanks again...ashley

Deep breath...

Ok, so I did it. Finally. No more procrastination. No more being wishy-washy. I called today to schedule our in vitro consultation, which is the first step in the 5-6 week process.

We weren't sure if in vitro was right for us. We spent months praying to know if we should pursue in vitro or give up on biology and pursue another completely valid and incredible road to parenthood, adoption. We almost adopted twins in November--did I mention that? But as we learned more about them and their birth mom, the scarier it became. They were preemies, having been exposed significantly to drugs and alcohol. They were in the NICU, and were going to be for a long time. They were going to require extensive medical care, as one or both of them had brain bleeds (which would likely lead to cerebral palsy). Plus the birth mom was feeling unsure about placement. After a great deal of thought and prayer, we got our answer: this wasn't right, and we should pursue in vitro for the moment. We feel like we should open as many doors and pursue as many paths as possible to parenthood. So in vitro now (because my fertility has an expiration date), with the possibility of adoption later.

So we decided to save up and schedule our in vitro after the new year. But I also had a strong confirmation from the Spirit that adoption was divinely ordained for children who deserve a loving, stable, two-parent home but happen to have been born into less than ideal circumstances. Maybe that will be us in the future, and I sure hope so, regardless of whether in vitro works for us.

So our consultation is scheduled for February 24, with the actual in vitro stuff going on mid-March. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I'd love to hear more about your experiences with in vitro, especially if it involved ICSI and/or male factor infertility. Please fill me in on what we've gotten ourselves into!

P.S. I wanted to welcome Sara Roberts, our newest sister in need of support.