Adoption, anyone?

My friend contacted me the other day about a private adoption agency here in Utah that is looking for adoptive families.  I called them and spoke to someone named Dave who was super-nice and very helpful.  He mentioned that right now they are looking for adoptive couples because they have several birth-moms who haven't found the right families for their babies yet.  Right now they have 10 african american birth-mothers (one of whom just placed her baby yesterday) two are due in the next two weeks and the remaining 7 are due in the next two months.  The agency itself seems great (I googled them and only found one dispute with them from an out-of-state birth-father who wanted custody.), but since it is a private agency, the costs are significantly higher than LDS Family.  Dave said that they are on par with the national average of between $25K to $40K.  He also mentioned that they have on average about 110 placements a year and right now they only have about 40 couples in their system which means that their wait times tend to be significantly shorter than LDS Family's and range anywhere from around 2 weeks to 2 years.  The name of the agency is The Adoption Center of Choice and can be found here.  The phone number for adoptive parents is 801-224-2440.  I don't know if they will place with adoptive couples outside of Utah, so you might want to check if you decide to call.

As for us, the latest that we hear through the grapevine is that our birthmom will be coming to Utah either right before the baby is born or right afterward so that she can buy all the baby stuff here and haul it back to Illinois with her.  Bless her parents for being perceptive in knowing that she mainly wants to show the baby to her friends back here (her parents are more than ticked off at her), they told her that she could probably order most, if not all of it by mail, and that there was no reason to come.  We, of course, hear nothing about it from her, even though we've talked to her several times.

And yet with loads of prayers and fasting, we've managed to find peace with the situation.  We still hope she decides to place him, but if not, we know that Heavenly Father is in charge and knows what is best for our family...whatever that may be.

More information

Okay, so here's the skinny:

Mimi's adoption was one of those that was "super-open", but her birth-mom moved to Illinois this past summer when she joined the military.   Due to the nature of the adoption, we've always had a good relationship with her and her family.   Anyway, she called us Wednesday after her ultrasound and asked my hubby if we would adopt this one too and of course he said yes, but there are some pretty big complications, the biggest of which is the fact that Illinois adoption law is so different from Utah law.  The other complication is from the birth-father who seems openly hostile toward the LDS faith in general and adoption in particular.  We are worried about it even happening and trying desperately to not get our hopes up.

Tamara, if you don't mind me asking, you said that placement was a "can of worms".  Mind if I ask you to share your experience?  We are super concerned about placement (if she ends up having the baby there) mostly because of the birth-father's hostility.  Although, the Illinois case-worker seems to think that with him living here in Utah, it would be better for her to give birth far away from him.  But our caseworker gave us the info on relinquishment of parental rights in Illinois, and now I'm worried because if she does give birth there, and he does NOTHING, he has 30 days following the baby's birth to make a claim, AND the agency has to provide proof that he was notified of the adoption plan.  Utah Law seems better because its 24 hours (or is it 48 now?) following the birth of the baby and his rights are terminated if he hasn't signed the birth-father registry (and you don't have to tell him about the adoption plan).

**Sigh**

I think I just need to calm down and wait for things to unfold a step at a time...

Lots of impossible stuff...

Gave a talk on Mother's day in my ward.  Lots of quotes from Sheri Dew and if anyone wants to read it, its located here.  It is kinda long, though.

Anywho, if you do actually click on over, please be careful what you post as what I'm about to say is still pretty confidential, and I don't want my family and friends freaking out because I didn't tell them...

Erica (my daughter's birth-mom) called Monday night.  She found out on Mother's Day that she is pregnant, but her fiance broke up with her about a month ago.  She is FIVE months pregnant, and still unsure about what she's going to do.  She's in the Navy right now, going through school (in Chicago at the Great Lakes Naval Training Center) for her specialty.  She isn't going to get kicked out for being pregnant, and it kind of sounded like she's thinking about parenting, although she did tell her mom (I talked to her yesterday) that she thought we would only be interested in adopting her baby if it is a boy. (Which isn't the least bit true.)

But I need some help here.  Have any of you had birth-mothers that lived out-of-state?  How did you handle the distance in the relationship?  Any ideas would be helpful!  I hope you all are doing well!

A questionable adoption agency

Hey everyone -

Just wanted to give you a "heads up" on an adoption agency (based out of Utah) that my friend just warned me about.  She says that after two separate personal incidents with them, that she and her husband found out a lot of negative information about the agency- unfortunately, she didn't give more details than that.

They are All for Love adoption agency, and I would advise caution if you are looking into using them, or if you have been approached through an outside source (i.e., parentprofiles.com).

I personally have not researched this agency, so I hope that I am not offending anyone by passing on this information.  If you've adopted through this agency and have had positive experiences, please let us know.  I would hate to be the one that keeps others from using a legitimate agency because of this post.

Bonding

Has anyone else worried about bonding with an adopted child?

Shortly after we took Mimi home from the hospital someone said to me, "You can't even remember life without her, can you?" and I laughed and told them that of course I could!  How could nine years of just the two of us fade away after a month or two of dirty diapers, crying, and mid-night feedings?  As I reflected on the question and my response, I began to realize that what they were talking about was the "instant bond" that mothers seem to feel toward their children only minutes after giving birth which seems to change the way a new mother looks at everything.  I began to wonder if it was because Mimi was adopted that I didn't feel that bond, although I'd heard some adoptive parents say they'd felt it right after having their child placed into their arms.  But as much as I loved my little girl and knew that she was mine the moment that I saw her, I didn't feel "the bond".  It worried me a little, but I was busy with a new little baby, and honestly didn't have much time to even think about it, except to re-evaluate periodically and see if I felt that way yet.  No one told me that the feeling can grow from the simple love that you begin with, but because of our adoption situation, I had complete faith that having her in our family was right and that the feeling would eventually come.  And I was right!

Mimi is now 2 years old and just a few weeks ago during a diaper change as we sat giggling together over something silly, I had this overwhelming feeling of rightness come over me that being her mom was what I was always meant to do.  And it was then that I realized that the bond that I'd longed for had been growing inside of me as she grew.  And I couldn't imagine my life without her. As I thought about that feeling over the next few days, I realized that I had gotten to the point that even though I could remember those nine years, that they were fuzzy compared to the last two- even with dirty diapers, sickness, tantrums and all.  That's not to say that I don't have moments of wishing for a little peace and quiet, but I'm grateful for the small, simple joys that occur in random ways every day.

Mandatory trust in God

Okay, so here is the (believe it or not) shortened version of our journey to parenthood.   Read at the risk of becoming very, very bored... :)

Before DH and I were married almost 11 years ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, so five months into the marriage, we stopped all preventative methods, and waited nonchalantly for pregnancy to commence.   About two years later we started to get worried, so DH went in for some tests at the suggestion of my OB.   They found a very minor problem, fixed it with surgery, and we left it at that.   Right before we bought our current home, I was surprised one day by horrible pain that was followed immediately by AF (Aunt Flo).   Two days later I mentioned it to my mom, who told me to call the OB because it sounded like a miscarriage to her.   The OB said it probably was a miscarriage, and that if AF lasted too long to make sure I called them back.   Even though I didn't know I might be pregnant, hearing that it probably was a miscarriage gave me a lot of hope that I wouldn't have to go see a specialist after all.

Then enters the saga of the house (which actually is important to the story): I didn't really want to move, but the DH was tired of paying rent, so we began looking at homes.  We passed over our current home several times before we actually toured it with our realtor.   I was ready to give up the hunt, but that night we both had very similar dreams about living in the house, and after about a week of me stewing over not wanting to move again, we made an offer which was quickly accepted.   We moved into an awesome ward, and a few weeks later the bishop tried to call me into primary (Let's put her in with all those KIDS! That will make her feel better about her inability to conceive.), which, after a lot of prayer, I refused.   The following week I was called as the Beehive advisor in YW, where I served for almost 3 years.

After another 2 1/2 years with no success, we finally went to see a new DR.  He wasn't an RE, but he had a definite plan of attack to find out what, if anything was wrong, and then a treatment plan that seemed completely financially reasonable.   After tests determined I had CLPD (lining issues), and a "hostile" environment to DH's swimmers, we went the IUI route.   After six IUIs, we found out I was pregnant.   The pregnancy ended 8 weeks later as an ultrasound tech told us that there was no heartbeat.   I took the photo of our baby home with me, and the next day had a D&C because I couldn't stand the thought of carrying my dead baby around inside of me for who knew how long before my body decided to expel it.   We tried 3 more rounds of IUIs with no success and I slowly got angrier and angrier at God for taking my baby and making me suffer with infertility while even "stupid" teenagers could get knocked up without even trying.  It consumed me, and even though I continued to be active in church, I just dreaded going every Sunday.  Around this time I was released from YW and called to be a RS teacher which helped to strengthen the little I had left of my testimony.   Meanwhile, we had been thinking more and more about adoption (since we'd spent so much on treatments, surgeries (3 for my endo), tests, etc) and decided to go fasting to the temple to see if this was the course we should take.   I bawled when I knew that it was right because a huge part of me was not ready to let go of all of my dreams about having a baby that looked like us or had DH's amazing talents.   So we stopped the IUIs, and contacted LDS Family Svcs.   Before I could bring myself to fill out any of the paperwork, the DH lost his job, which brought any plans for a family to a screeching halt.

DH eventually found a new job, and we commenced the monumental task of filling out paperwork for an adoption, taking well over a year to complete everything.   Almost another year later I was called to serve in the Primary.  I struggled with accepting the calling (making the new president wait for over a month while I prayed and cried and cried and prayed), but eventually felt like it wouldn't be too horrendous to see kids that were about the same age my baby would have been.  I became close friends with our president (who was the mother of one of my former Beehives) and one Sunday as I was telling her my frustrations about some of our friends being picked by a birth-mom after only having been approved for 4 months (we having been approved for 16 months), she told me that it might happen sooner than I thought.   I told her that I really didn't think so, and then she, very haltingly, told me that her daughter (Erica), my former YW, was pregnant.

We hadn't wanted an open adoption at all and were extemely worried about how something like this would work, but through the next few months, as Erica and her family spent time with us, things just seemed peaceful.  Since Erica and I had a good rapport from YW days, she spent a lot of time at our house and we came to love Erica for herself- not at all for the baby she was carrying- and our love and concern for her well-being took center stage as we went through the pregnancy with her.  We were constantly telling her that it would be fine if she changed her mind after she had the baby (which, I can tell you was the honest truth), but she continually told us that she knew that the baby was meant for our family.  We had several long talks with her parents about the situation, and as a result became fast friends.

I finally discovered after 9 1/2 years of marriage that God had been ever-watchful, guiding me through my darkest hours to shape me into the woman I am slowly becoming.  He guided DH and I to our home where we became part of an incredible ward family that eventually led us to our daughter and a bigger extended "family" than we ever imagined.  Our journey to parenthood was a difficult one that I can now see was only complicated by my anger at God.  Fortunately for me, God is very patient and forgiving, and even though I probably didn't deserve it, he led me to a situation that allowed me so many wonderful experiences, including being able to help Erica as she brought a beautiful little girl into the world.  My amazing daughter is proof that God knows each of us, individually - our hopes, dreams, righteous desires as well as what each of us can handle.

Wishing you luck with all of your righteous endeavors,

Beck