Round Four

Yes, that's correct ladies - we are now on round 4 of our Femara + IUI, which means that I've now had three different opportunities to bite my fingernails into oblivion waiting for the 3-minute "pee-stick" results that I dread.

All negative.  And made especially worse on round 2 when the RE said, "I'll be really surprised if you don't get pregnant this month."  UGH.

When we went in Friday afternoon for a follicle check, things looked good- yet again- but when he told me that he couldn't figure out why it hadn't worked yet, I said something to the effect that this was why we won't do IVF (if nothing is implanting during these treatments, why spend $10,000 to make sure that a fertilized ball of cells snubs my uterus?).   That sparked quite the conversation and I walked out thinking that maybe trying IVF wouldn't be such bad idea after all - even though DH and I had decided long ago that adoption was a better option for us.

I hate infertility because of the doubt that it relentlessly drips into my life, especially the doubt in my ability to receive answers to prayers.

Three cycles down, three to go, and then at least this part is over...

Unfortunately, if these treatments fail, it means that we'll face another decision: Do we attempt IVF or try for another adoption?

Can't we ever have any easy answers?

The end of the beginning

So I'm hoping that I'm safe posting again after my hiatus (due to the fracas with people linking through my blog), because I need to share.

We went in two months ago to start up clomid and IUIs again, and at the 14 day point, the RE checked my lining and follicles and didn't like what he saw.  So we scrapped that cycle and decided to try a different drug, Femara.  Long story short, we did the Femara, I had one good follicle and we did an HCG trigger shot along with an IUI.

Today was the big pregnancy test day and so, naturally I spent all of yesterday worrying about it.  Can I just say how much I hate taking pregnancy tests?  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can get me more worked up than having to go and buy these stupid pee sticks, only to worry about whether it's going to be positive or negative and then thinking about all the worries or the relief I'll feel about either result.  UGH!  I swear my head would just start spinning and fly right off my shoulders if it could!

So after having nightmares about positive results and negative results, I just dragged my butt out of bed and took the test.  And the result?

We are now officially $700 poorer with nothing but information to show for it.

*Sigh*

I know the success rate peaks out at six months of drug therapy + IUIs, but I'm not sure my head (or my heart) can take 5 more months of pre-test freak-outs.

Procrastination or legitimately busy?

Have any of you done this before?   Taken a step or two towards adding to your family, then suddenly jerked to a stop?

Because I'm there.

Went to the RE clear back in May, had some tests, now I've stopped short of the HSG test that will tell me if IUIs are still a good option or not.   It's not that I'm afraid of the test - I've had too many horribly painful ones (try a uterine biopsy- that one hurts!) to have that be my concern, but I find myself just stopped at this crossroads trying to figure out why my feet won't move.   And it isn't just with infertitlity stuff: We met with LDS family back in May as well.  Our social worker gave us the initial paperwork to fill out, and do I even know where it is at this very moment?  Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know where it is, but have I even looked at it since that day?   Nope.

I tell myself that it's because we're busy trying to sell our home, or that DH has been gone too much to make scheduling the HSG nearly impossible, but I fear that the reality of it lies somewhere in the realm of frightened procrastination.

I mean, sure, I'd really like to lose about 30 pounds before starting the treatments that ballooned my weight up 30 pounds when I did them before, but I'm starting to think that the layer of dust on the treadmill makes it look sophisticated, much like the graying hair on a man.   And the fact that we had a message on our answering machine from the social worker asking if we are still interested in adopting hasn't sent me into panic mode, just made me want to drag my feet a little slower to avoid having to make that decision.

What is wrong with me????