Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Hey I am starting progesterone this week -- I have heard from my doc and the home health pharmacist that they are horrible! Is this true? Any suggestions on how to make them less so?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Round Four

Yes, that's correct ladies - we are now on round 4 of our Femara + IUI, which means that I've now had three different opportunities to bite my fingernails into oblivion waiting for the 3-minute "pee-stick" results that I dread.

All negative.  And made especially worse on round 2 when the RE said, "I'll be really surprised if you don't get pregnant this month."  UGH.

When we went in Friday afternoon for a follicle check, things looked good- yet again- but when he told me that he couldn't figure out why it hadn't worked yet, I said something to the effect that this was why we won't do IVF (if nothing is implanting during these treatments, why spend $10,000 to make sure that a fertilized ball of cells snubs my uterus?).   That sparked quite the conversation and I walked out thinking that maybe trying IVF wouldn't be such bad idea after all - even though DH and I had decided long ago that adoption was a better option for us.

I hate infertility because of the doubt that it relentlessly drips into my life, especially the doubt in my ability to receive answers to prayers.

Three cycles down, three to go, and then at least this part is over...

Unfortunately, if these treatments fail, it means that we'll face another decision: Do we attempt IVF or try for another adoption?

Can't we ever have any easy answers?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How Kiera came to our family!!

I have not put a post on here for a long time and finally after two years I sat down and wrote Kiera's adoption story. It has taken along time to be able to do this. There were so many emotions involved with Kiera's adoption that every time I tried to write this I could never get it out. So finally I have it on record.

We found out that we had been chosen by Kiera's birth mother Emily on April 17, 2007 and that she was having a girl on June 9th. Dan and I were so excited to have another little girl. We met Emily and her parents and three brothers at a face to face meeting on April 20th, 2007 it was amazing and awesome and scary and spiritual. Emily was a cute little tiny 18 year old girl who was trying to make the very best decision for her unborn child. After meeting with Emily and her family for two hours, her case worker came in and told us that Nathan (the birth father) was in the lobby DEMANDING to see Emily and us, but her parents could not be there. Just to clarify....Emily wanted nothing more to do with Nathan but Nathan was bound and determined to still "HAVE" Emily. So after Emily agreed, we got to meet Nathan. Unlike Emily, he was angry and hostile and rude, not to mention he seemed unable to use any words that contained more than four letters. After meeting with Nathan for an hour he decided that he wanted to meet with just Dan and I. So we took him to Lone Star for a steak dinner. Still very hostile and angry he asked questions about both Dan and I and our back grounds. He wanted to make sure we were good enough to be parents. Now this is really funny because he himself had been in jail quite a few times for drugs, gang stuff and the list goes on and on, and at the time was on probation. But like the nice people that we are we humored him and told him our back grounds. After we told him about us he looked Dan straight in the eye and called him a sissy!!! I guess graduating from high school and college, serving a mission, and being married in the Temple are not too cool. Oh well. We left Lone Star feeling a bit uneasy because of his back ground (that he felt free to share with us), but it is what we go through to get our little angels to our family. After our face to face meeting with both Emily and Nathan we e-mailed back and forth with Emily for a couple of weeks getting to know each other and our respective families. The Saturday before mothers day is national Birth Mothers Day and so we decided to take some flowers to Emily. When we got to the agency to drop off the flowers, Emily and her parents were walking out. It was fun to see them but Emily looked like she had been drug through the mud. She tried her best to reassure us that she was fine and that life was good but we could tell that something was up. Needless to say all kinds of things were running through our head that weekend and on Sunday night we got an e-mail from Emily saying she wanted us to meet with her and her family on Monday for some ice cream so they could meet Kya. We agreed to meet with them the next evening and hoped for the best. When Emily got there she walked up to me and gave me a hug and you could tell that she had something to tell us and she was a bit nervous. Well after all the pleasantries and meeting Kya and trying to get her to talk to them (ha ha), Emily finally told us what had been happening the past week. Nathan (the birth father) had decided that he was going to fight the adoption plan so he could have sole custody of the baby!! He had gone to see a lawyer (which we later found out was only a person who worked at a law office and was not an actual lawyer), threatened Emily in person, by text, and by letter, was stalking Emily at work where he was thrown out by a co-worker once and another time taken by the police, threatened her three little brothers on their way to school, left a death treat for her Dad on his car, and here's the kicker if that is not enough.....promised to hunt Dan down and kick the @#$% out of him until he was DEAD. This was a text that was sent to Emily and thankfully she is a smart girl who saved the text and letters and gave them all to the police when she got a restraining order against Nathan. Poor Emily she had spent the last week talking to a lot of people including the police, a lawyer, her birth parent caseworker, and the head of LDS Family Services about Nathan. No wonder she was so upset. She kept telling us over and over how sorry she was that we were being drug through all of this Nathan mess and she wished that we did not have to deal with him. I felt so bad for Emily, yet through all of this, she was still set to go through with her adoption plan. Two days later our case worker called and told us that Nathan went into the agency and signed his relinquishment papers and that he was done fighting with Emily. Hip Hip Hooray!!! We are done with least that is what we thought at that time. Well things kind of slowed down after all of this for about three days. We got a phone call from Emily on Saturday the 19th that she and her mom thought that she was in labor. They just wanted us to know so that when it was time to go to the hospital we would be ready. Dan, Kya, and I were all packed and ready to go to Chicago on the 21st with our plane tickets in hand. After Dan hung up the phone with Emily, Dan called his boss and told him what was going on and that he would not be able to go to Chicago that week. I was on the phone with the airlines canceling our flights and we were all running around crazy excited. Wow we were going to have our baby soon!!!!!!!!!! That same night Emily called us and told us she had been talking with her doctor and that she was going to try and sleep at home and maybe the contractions would stop or slow down. Emily's due date was still three weeks away so her doctor did not seem to think that she would go that early. Emily did make it through the night but called us at 8:45 am and told us that she was going down to the hospital and asked us to meet her there. We dropped everything and went to the hospital. Kya was dropped off at grandma's house on the way. When we were at the hospital, we got to hear Kiera's heart beat on the monitor and watch the monitor every time Emily had a contraction. It was all very exciting and something that I never thought I would get to do....I heard my baby's heart beat and saw her in the ultrasound. I was very emotional but managed to hold it together :). After five hours at the hospital the nurses did not think that Emily's contractions were progressing enough to keep her at the hospital. They had been three minutes apart for the last eight hours and she had not dilated any in the time she was at the hospital. They gave her a shot for the pain and said if you are in true labor then we will see you back soon, if you are not this shot will stop the contractions and we will see you in a few weeks. We walked out the door with Emily at 2:00 pm and she promised to call if and when anything happened. We got our phone call from Emily at 6:00 pm that same night and she was heading back down to the hospital with more intense and painful contractions. So off we went again. When we got down there, Emily told us that they had already checked her and that she had dilated 2 cm so she was on her way!!!!! When we all got settled in Emily asked if we wanted to come and watch Kiera being born. I thought that would be awesome. Dan on the other hand was about ready to pass out. He did say yes to her and then she asked him to cut the umbilical cord. I seriously thought he was going to go down for the count. The color actually drained from his face and he had to sit down for that. Luckily, Emily's mom saw all of this too and she interrupted Emily with a question to give Dan a minute to compose himself. Surprisingly he said that he would do it. We hung out all evening with her and her family and met some friends and we just had a grand old time. At 10:30 pm the resident OB/GYN came in and said that they thought there was a problem and that they were going to do another ultrasound. They found out that Kiera was in the breech position and coming butt first. They then prepared Emily for an Emergency C-section. They gave her a few minutes to wrap her head around this and to receive a blessing from her dad and Dan and away she went. I have never seen a more relieved man than Dan knowing that he would not have to cut the umbilical cord. I on the other hand was a bit sad that I was not going to be able to watch Kiera being born. Kiera was born at 11:45 pm and was 6 lbs. 11 oz. Emily's mom got to hold her right after she was born while they stitched Emily up. As soon as Kiera was cleaned and taken care of the nurse brought her into Emily's room and walked over to me and said that Emily wanted me to hold her first and to feed her her first bottle.

WOW was all I could think to say and then there I was holding my sweet little Kiera just minutes after she was born and feeding her. What a moment. Between my tears and all the camera flashes I don't think I even saw Kiera, but I most assuredly felt her in my arms.
We left the hospital about 1:30 am and drove home with huge smiles on our faces. We were floating on cloud 9. We picked Kya up at my mom's house and tried to sleep the rest of the night. The next morning Emily called and asked us to come back down to the hospital and to bring Kya with us so that she could meet her new sister.

We got to the hospital around 1:00 pm and had a really great time. It was awesome. The nurses were all so great and supportive of the situation and handled the awkwardness of walking into the room and looking between Emily and myself not knowing who to call MOM!!!! I just need to interject here with a bit on Emily's mom Janice. She was always calling Dan and I the mom and dad. She never encouraged Emily to call herself mom, and she never let the nurses call her mom. Janice was absolutely the solid foundation that Emily needed. Well the day was perfect until Emily's case worker walked in at 7:00 pm and had the most horrified look on her face. Emily's first question was "What did Nathan do?" The case worker told us that at 4:55 pm Nathan went and signed the putative fathers registry, which means that he is fighting for custody. We were all horrified, but Emily's mom and dad just about went through the roof. Poor Emily just sat there in the hospital bed with tears running down her face. Dan was holding Kiera and I looked at him and I could see the same sinking feeling that I was feeling. The first thing I thought was " what am I going to do...I love this baby already and she is mine" I politely excused myself from the room and walked as fast as I could away from that room because I could feel myself losing control of my emotions. I could not stop the tears and I knew for sure that I did not want Emily feeling even worse. After I regained my composure and knew for sure that I was not going to loose my lunch again I called our case worker and she told me that they already knew what was going on and that they were working on a plan of action. She and her boss wanted Dan and I to come into the agency the next day and meet with them. I finally went back into Emily's room and Dan was not looking so good so I took Kiera from him and he walked out for a minute. Finally Janice (Emily's mom) asked if it would be ok if a nurse came and took Kiera back to the nursery so that she did not have to be in there with all the tension. We agreed that was a good idea. Emily's dad called a friend that was a lawyer and he told him that Nathan didn't have a leg to stand on but it might be a good idea to find a lawyer who specializes in adoptions and talk with them. We left the hospital at 8:00 pm and drove home. It was the longest drive of my life. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep and forget about stupid Nathan. All the way home Kya kept asking us when is my sister coming home, I want her to sleep in my room with me and play with my toys, I love my sister she is so cute. I cried the entire ride home my heart was breaking because we did not know what was going to happen with Kiera and now Kya was emotionally connected to Kiera and how do you explain to a three year old that she may or may not have a sister. Well the next morning came and Dan and I were like zombies. We moved but said little, we breathed but just barley. This next part I hate to admit but Kya pretty much took care of herself. She got up and dressed herself, she would get in the pantry and snack on all the snack foods we had bought to take to Chicago when ever she was hungry. Lucky for us, she is great at self entertaining. At 10:00 am we went to the agency and met with our case worker, the head adoption worker, the agency director and the Utah director for LDS Family services. While we were there we consulted with two of Utah's top adoption Lawyers as well as the churches adoption lawyer. What a draining four hour meeting. We were told everything from "everything will be fine" to "it may take a few months to work this out so Kiera will go to a really great foster home until we can work it out" to "Emily may just have to keep and be a single parent". We left that meeting with a the worse case of fear and anger I have ever felt in my life. We went and picked up Kya and to this day I can not remember who she stayed with. Really we are not bad parents, we were just so distraught and had a hard time functioning. We went about the rest of that day just sitting on the couch and walking around our house occasionally. We did not even watch TV which is a big deal at our house because that was around the time that American Idol was closing in on the finale. We all went to bed early with so much dread that another day was on the horizon. We were told that we could not call Emily or the nurses to check on Kiera. We loved Kiera so much and we could not call to make sure she was doing ok. We just felt like our entire world was spinning out of our control. That next morning (Wednesday) at 7:15 am Emily called and told us that Nathan called her a 5:00 am and told her that he would sign the relinquishment papers again but it had to be today and she had to be there. She was so excited but nervous because Nathan is a BIG FAT LIAR. We called our case worker and she said that she would check things out and let us know. At 10:00 am our case worker called and told us that Nathan had promised to sign at 1:00 pm and we were to be there at the agency at 2:00 pm. Emily also wanted to sign her papers and be done with Nathan. We were excited but leery. We got to the agency and low and behold....Nathan had come in to sign his papers but got violently angry and left because Emily would not see him without her Dad present. Can you blame her? They called Nathan on his phone and talked with him and listened to him for a half an hour and he finally agreed to come back in a sign the papers on two conditions. One-Emily had to give him back all the stuff he had ever given her, and two-Emily had to meet with him but only her mom could be in the room but she could not look at him (what a dork). So Emily agreed to those stipulations and the race was on. Having had a C-section only one day earlier she was quite pale and not doing so good. She had to have special permission to leave the hospital so early any way. Oh well she was willing to jump through hoops to get Nathan out of the picture. At 4:00 pm Emily was back with all of Nathan's "Junk" and he rolled in about 4:45 pm. Now all Emily had to do was talk to him and he would sign his papers. Well Emily walked in with her mom and the first thing Nathan tried to do was convince her that she was being manipulated by Dan and I and the agency case workers just to get his baby and that he was not going to give up with out a fight. Emily got so upset and her mom just went off on Nathan. Again Nathan stormed out of the agency with promises to get a lawyer. This time the agency director followed him to his car and talked with him for a while and calmed him down. Nathan finally told the director that he wanted to sign the papers and that he needed to hurry because if he had not done it by 7:00 pm he was going to be arrested. Someone (and he would not say who) had called the police and gave him a run down on all the different things that Nathan had done and that an arrest warrant was out on him. He had until 7:00 pm and then they were going to tell the police where to find him. By this time it was 6:30 pm and the director did not care why he just ushered Nathan back to his office and gave him the papers and he signed them. Hooray!!!! After he signed them he said he had a letter and a necklace that he wanted to give to Dan for Kiera. They walked Nathan into our room and he walked over to us and gave the stuff to Dan and was out the door by 6:45 pm. After he was done, they told Emily what had happened and she told them that she wanted to sign her papers too. They were concerned about her being on pain meds (because there are laws against signing relinquishment's on medication), and she told them that she had not taken any pain meds since Tuesday night. She had gone through this whole ordeal on Ibuprofen just in case Nathan really followed through. She wanted to be clear minded so she could sign her papers too. Now that is what I call a true sacrifice. Emily signed her papers and then after she was done the agency director came in to were we had been sitting with our case worker and told us that it was all a done deal and we finally could see OUR baby and Emily, but that Emily was going to go to a hotel tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night with Kiera so that she could have some quality time without any threats or chaos. They planned for a placement on Friday at 10:00 am at the agency. Current time....7:30 pm. We had been sitting in a room at LDS family services for five and a half hours. Emily came in and was so pale and so sick that she could not walk without help from her Dad. Her mom came over and gave me Kiera and we got to hold her and talk with Emily for a little bit. Then at 8:30 pm we left one more time without Kiera, but knew she was ours now. The only thing possible that could go wrong now, was if Emily decided to run away with her. Not likely to happen, but with everything that we had already been through it was lingering at the back of my mind. The next day was spent doing things to keep our minds busy. Dan got up real early and went golfing to keep his mind from wandering...Kya and I went and got mom and daughter manicures and pedicures.

It was so much fun to do that with Kya. After we finished up with those we got home and Dan was there so we packed up and went to the park for the afternoon.
When it was time to go home we stayed busy by getting Emily some gifts for the next day. I was having a bit of anxiety that we had not heard anything for an entire day so I called our case worker and she reassured me that we were still on for tomorrow at 10:00 am. The next morning I was up at 5:00 am and got ready and was out the door by 6:00 am. I went to wal-mart to walk around and get some last minute gifts for Emily. Our case worker called my cell phone while I was in wal-mart and when I saw who was calling I started shaking and just burst into tears. Why would she call me at 7:00 am? My mind was racing. I physically could not answer the phone. I hurried and bought my stuff and left for home. I was driving down our street when Dan called (I could not answer the phone then either). When I walked in the house Dan told me that our case worker had called and that they wanted to push the placement to 11:00 am. I guess what happened was Kiera did not sleep well but was finally sleeping and Emily's mom did not want to wake her so that she could get a few hours of sleep. Emily did not sleep the entire night and was finally sleeping too. OK I can deal with that. NO worries right? Kiera's placement went off without a hitch and it was so awesome yet very emotional.
Finally we brought our baby home and we got to have our happy excited I can't stop smiling moment!!!!!!!

Hello Sister!!

And they lived happily ever after....I wish!! We heard from Nathan many many more times in the next nine months following Kiera's placement. He would threaten to talk to a lawyer, he would threaten Dan and I, he continued to threatened and stalk Emily but in the end he never had a leg to stand on. And so now......WE LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!!!!!!!