Monday, June 30, 2008

HELLO! My story

Okay I just want to thank Kim for having this wonderful idea. So a little bit about me I have been married for 10years this december and have spent at least 7 years of it struggling with infertility. The first year we didnt really try and then the second year we started trying but I didnt get pregnant right away so about 6 months later I went to a docotor and he said they dont really do anything tell you have been trying for a year. So I waited the year a still no baby so I went back to the docotor and he refered me to a great OBGYN (who was the best). We tired all sorts of things. And then one day I wasnt feeling very good(just a cold bug)so I went to just a regular docotor but I didnt want any kind of medicine that would effect anything from trying to concieve and the docotors comment was he didnt understand why I would want a child so bad and go through all this stuff I was only 22years old. I was so mad and went home and cried thanks to my great husband who knows how to calm me down we knew we were doing the right thing a few months later I was pregnant so I do have one awesome little boy who is 5 years old and I can for sure tell you he is a blessing and for sure was meant for our family and 100% is just like his dad and I know I should be thankful for him but I feel he needs to know what it is like to have sibilings and I just dont fill like my life is complete with only one child. If this makes sense i fill like I am missing something. So after he turned 2 we started to try for another kid and my docotor at the time didnt think we would have any problems but needless to say 3 years later and still no child. So me and my husband have been through a lot we have tired harder for a second baby then we ever did the first one and these last few years have been crazy. What makes me the craziest is that they put you on all these hormone drugs and then tell you that you need to loose some weight because that would help your chances (really quit making me take drugs that are making me fat) So about a year and a half ago I went to a docotor and she said I had PCOS and I had heard a few other docotors say something along those lines to me so I this time I asked all the questions and wanted to know exactly what I have. So it isnt impossible for us to have another baby but with lots of prays and research we have chosen to take the path of adoption. Which I am very nervous about. Just sharing this info is hard for me I have had a very hard time with this trial you might say. I have felt every emotion out there but one thing I have learned I do feel better when I talk to others so many people actually know my pain some people have been through worse than me and I do feel awful for them. And I have learned this is not my plan it is the lords plan so I am starting to finally get it all. So me and my husband will start the adoption classes at the end of July so wish us luck I have heard so heartbreaking stories and honestly I just dont know how much more I can take ,but I have gained such a strong testimony of adoption and feel that this what we are meant to do at this time. And sorry if it felt like i went on and on I know I did but I feel much better today now thanks for letting me share. And if you have any advice please let me know.

HEY GIRLS.......

I posted this on my blog but wanted to share it with all of you. It is so comforting. Hope you are all doing well!!!!!

Dennis E. Simmons, “But If Not …,” Ensign, May 2004, 73
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.

As a young man, I returned home from an eighth-grade basketball tournament dejected, disappointed, and confused. I blurted out to my mother, “I don’t know why we lost—I had faith we’d win!”
I now realize that I did not then know what faith is.
Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him.
Centuries ago, Daniel and his young associates were suddenly thrust from security into the world—a world foreign and intimidating. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”
The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” That is a statement of true faith.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew they could always rely on Him because they knew His plan, and they knew that He does not change. They knew, as we know, that mortality is not an accident of nature. It is a brief segment of the great plan of our loving Father in Heaven to make it possible for us, His sons and daughters, to achieve the same blessings He enjoys, if we are willing.
They knew, as we know, that in our premortal life, we were instructed by Him as to the purpose of mortality: “We will make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”
So there we have it—it’s a test. The world is a testing place for mortal men and women. When we understand that it’s all a test, administered by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to trust in Him and to allow Him to help us, we can then see everything more clearly.
His work and His glory, He told us, is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” He has already achieved godhood. Now His only objective is to help us—to enable us to return to Him and be like Him and live His kind of life eternally.
Knowing all this, it was not difficult for those three young Hebrews to make their decision. They would follow God; they would exercise faith in Him. He would deliver them, but if not—and we know the rest of the story.
The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings.
The Apostle Paul learned this significant lesson and declared, after decades of dedicated missionary work, “We glory in tribulations … knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed.”
He was assured by the Savior, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul responded: “Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. … I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” When Paul met his challenges the Lord’s way, his faith increased.
“By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac.” Abraham, because of his great faith, was promised posterity greater in number than the stars in the heavens, and that that posterity would come through Isaac. But Abraham immediately complied with the Lord’s command. God would keep His promise, but if not in the manner Abraham expected, he still trusted Him completely.
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.
“By faith Moses … refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter;
“Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;
“Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt. …
“By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king. …
“By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land. …
“By faith the walls of Jericho fell down.”
Others “through faith subdued kingdoms, … obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
“Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight.”
But in the midst of all those glorious outcomes hoped for and expected by the participants, there were always the but if nots:
“And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, … bonds and imprisonment:
“They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about … being destitute, afflicted, tormented; …
“God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.”
Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.
He has the power, but it’s our test.
What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”
We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.
Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Oh so close!!!!!!

Dan and I have said that our family is complete and then we kind of half joke that if a baby turned up on our door step we would not close the door on the sweet little thing!!!!! Well Wednesday night after we got home from the temple, we got a phone call from a friends sister who has a niece that has a friend (can you follow that??) who wanted to place her 2 year old little BOY who is half Caucasian and half Hispanic. She asked us if we would be interested and that it would happen rather quickly. I told her that we would talk about it and pray about it and then get back with her. Dan and I just sort of sat there and stared at each other. We did not know how to start processing this information. We went from being totally calm to panic mode in 30 sec. The first think I thought and felt were all the feelings that came with Kiera's pre-placement week. Fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, and wanting so badly to have this baby in our family but having every decision out of my control. We finally said a prayer together and then we talked about all the pros and con's of adding a 2 year old little boy into the mix of our family. I have to tell you the first think I felt after praying was peace and comfort. Still in the back of my mind I kept thinking "I can't do this again. I don't want to hurt like that again". But then a thought came into my mind that with out pain and suffering we would not have happiness. It basically came down to sleeping on the idea, praying a lot, and talking to family the next day. After a very restless night we got up and tried to go about our day as normal as possible, however that did not work. First thing I did was call Addie. I remember her going through something very similar to our situation and I needed her advise and I needed some reassurance one way or the other (Thanks Addie for the advise, comfort, and just listening to me). Dan and I went back and forth on the phone all day long. We also went back and forth with the birth mother's friends Aunt all day long as well. We found out bits and pieces of information with each phone call. Dan and I still struggled with what was right for our family, and finally Dan came up with the idea to meet the little boy and his mom and progress one step at a time. We had it set up to meet with them the next day at a mutual friends home and see what progressed with all of that. I guess you could say it was a matching meeting and face to face. However I was still kind of panicking with my fear of getting hurt, and nobody could tell me if there was a birth father in the picture. I needed for my own peace of mind to know this little bit of information. I can not deal with another crazy birth father. So finally our friend called the birth mother and she finally gave up the info on the birth father. They were never married, he did not have visitation rights because he was abusive, but he did have to pay child support of $100 per month and he was going to Jail in a few days for a DUI. He never missed a month of child support and when she asked if he would relinquish his rights he basically told her where to go and how to get there and that after he got out of Jail in 90 day's that he was going to fight for "HIS" little boy. Oh yeah and by the way he is also involved in a gang and she is afraid of him. So she wanted US to deal with him!!!!!!! So there it is in a nut shell. The birth father is pretty much just like Kiera's. We talked a bit more back and forth with all party's involved and it came down to this. There is not one think we could do about the situation. The birth father has to voluntarily go to court and relinquish his rights in front of a judge and as of right now he is not going to do that. So we decided that it would not be a good idea to meet with the birth mother and this sweet little boy. We could not bring ourselves to meet him and fall in love with him when most likely this was not going to happen. Thursday night both Dan and I felt peace and comfort knowing that things happen for a reason but in a way we still felt a loss that left us sad and that also brought up feelings that have long been put away. On Friday it was our stake Lagoon day and we went and had a good time, but I could not help myself every time we saw a little Hispanic boy my heart fell just a little bit and longed for what could have been. This is the third time that we have come so close to having a little boy in our family. All of the little boys were 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 Hispanic. We will now pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off one more time, and enjoy our sweet beautiful little princess girls whom we love and adore with every fiber of our beings.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It was Mothers Day....

2004. I was suppose to be mom. Instead, I believe that I had my heart ripped out of my chest. Let me explain. 

We had been approved for adoption for nearly 2 years. In March (of 2004), we had been chosen by a mother, and fostered a thriving relationship with her, her boyfriend (the unborn baby's father), and their 2 year old son. They could not provide for this baby. Financially they could hardly support themselves as it was, emotionally they were not ready for another child. The list went on.
Mothers Day was the day she was born. We already had a name chosen. Brenna. Everyone knew about her. I decorated the nursery in ladybugs. I purchased the best carseat/stroller combo we could afford. We are talking Cadillac
I quit my job. I made a mad dash to clean the house (nesting I suppose). Installed the carseat. Wow! This is strange, driving around town with a carseat in the back of my car. How surreal! Then the night before placement was to happen, our world fell apart.
A phone call. Mom had had some bleeding. The doctors thought that they may have to do a emergency hysterectomy. This would most likely be it. No more babies. No more pregnancy. I can hardly imagine how a 19 year old can wrap her mind around it. Her decision...keep the baby. I could not hate her.
We were invited to the hospital to see her. Would I do that again? Most likely not. Her name now had a face. Precious. Adorable. Snuggly. Not mine. I cried myself into a depression.
Time really does have a way of easing the pain. Not getting rid of it, but easing it. Three months later we were chosen again, this time to be parents to a boy. And two years after that another baby boy to follow. I have been extremely blessed; two adorable children, an amazing husband, a wonderful home, and pretty darn great life, and beginning to understand this this life is not my plan. 
On the flip side, you can bet where my heart is every Mother Day.

Loving this idea!!!!

Thanks Kim for this wonderful idea and support system.  I can not think of anything better for a bunch of us going through infertility issues and adoption issues.  Looking back on things now I wish that Dan and I would have talked more about our issues and thoughts and feelings.  We have both said that talking about it would have made things easier on us while we were waiting.  The waiting for our two sweet girls was pretty difficult for us, but I think talking about our infertility would have helped Dan and I see that we were not so alone in this great trial.   We are so grateful for Kya and Kiera and the joy that they bring into our lives.  I can not imagine life with out them and maybe it is because of our trials that helps us to thank Heavenly Father for everything that they do whether it be naughty or nice!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was reading the Visiting teaching message in the Ensign this month and it talks about the Premortal Existence and something that Elder Richard G. Scott says hit me like a ton of bricks.  He says "...You were taught and prepared for the circumstances you would personally encounter in mortality..."  After reading this, I felt even more love coming from my Heavenly Father knowing that he did not send me here with out help.  I may not remember the preexistence, but I was personally prepared by Him to handle this trial of infertility.  I think part of that preparation was this group of friends who all know exactly how I feel!!!  Really and truly you are what saved me during our Kiera fiasco.  Knowing that not every adoption is as smooth as Kya's and still worked out gave me hope during a few dark days.  Thanks for the love, support, and the listening.  

Monday, June 23, 2008

My turn

First, I just wanted to say what a wonderful idea this blog is. I think for many years infertility wasn't talked about and was kept hidden. I never heard of anyone struggling to get pregnant when I was growing up. But I think things are different now, and slowly infertility is coming "out of the closet".

My husband Brian and I have been trying to have a baby for a few years now. My cycles were really long and irregular, which I guess was the effect of the birth control I took when we were first married. Once my cycle semi-stabilized, we couldn't figure out what was going wrong month after month. Last spring we had Brian's semen analyzed, and that's where all our problems began. Apparently, Brian's sperm was so "challenged" that we were referred to a urologist to see if there were any physical or hormonal problems causing the sperm to be so challenged. After spending the summer doing numerous tests, ultrasounds, and quite a chunk of change, we were told that there was nothing really wrong. The only thing the urologist saw was a slightly low testosterone level, but giving Brian artificial testosterone to boost his levels would make his body stop producing it on its own. No natural testosterone means no sperm, and therefore no chance of a baby. So pretty much the urologist said there was no more he could do for us, and referred us to the University of Utah's Department of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.

We were crushed. I felt like all my dreams of a romantic, spontaneous conception and beautiful mini-me babies went out the window. While I realize this wasn't entirely true and I was being overly dramatic, it was still a major slap in the face. At the same time, I was preparing for and taking the bar exam (I graduated from law school in May 2007), and then beginning to work full time. We decided to give it a rest for while and just enjoy being with each other and trying some more on our own.

Finally, this spring, we felt ready to take the next step on our infertility journey. We made an appointment to see a reproductive endocrinologist and in the mean time began acupuncture treatments since we'd met couples who had inexplicable success with it. We saw our doctor in May, who seemed to give us some good news about Brian's sperm. While it's still not very good, the doctor was optimistic about our chances of conception with intrauterine insemination. However, he was concerned about my cycles, because although they were finally regular, they were long enough that he wondered if I wasn't ovulating every time. He instructed us to do ovulation predictor kits twice a day until we got a positive, and then we'd do an insemination the next day. After testing until day 27, the kit finally turned positive. We had our first IUI on May 31. They told us to wait 2 weeks, and if I didn't start my period, we could take a home pregnancy test. We didn't have to wait that long. At about 11 days past ovulation, I started my period--incidentally, about 30 minutes before we needed to leave to catch a flight to California for a planned vacation. Even though it was just our first try, I had such high hopes that it would work, so I was devastated.

For the next cycle, we decided to add Clomid. For those who don't know, Clomid is a fertility drug that super-stimulates your ovaries to produce and ovulate more than the typical one egg per cycle. We figured that our chances of success would improve if there were more eggs available for fertilization. So I took Clomid on days 3-7 of my cycle, and then I went in today (day 12) for an ultrasound to check egg follicle development. The doctor doing the ultrasound said I had 3 ripe, mature follicles and 2 smaller, less mature follicles. She wasn't really talkative, so I have no idea how this compares to others' experiences. Has anyone else ever done this before? I've heard of women having 5, 6, or even 8, so is 3 low? She did freak me out, though, because when she was looking at my left ovary she said she thought she saw some possible endometriosis. She was so matter-of-fact, and acted like it was no big deal. But at the same time she said the only way to be sure if it's endometriosis is to remove it by surgery. I tried to ask questions, but she pretty much cut me off and left. All in all, not the most pleasant experience, but my doctor's on vacation so I can't exactly call him up and have my questions answered. Does anyone know anything about this? Is endometriosis serious? Does everyone who has it need surgery? Has anyone ever had this surgery and is willing to talk about it?

I guess the final part of the Clomid process is an HcG injection. Has anyone ever done that before? Apparently I have to mix up this solution and have my husband inject it into my hip tomorrow night. I guess it forces your body to ovulate all the eggs you've produced. Then we're going in on Thursday morning for another insemination.

I guess my point in sharing all this, other than to introduce myself, is to relate my experiences and hopefully find someone who is or has gone through something similar. I feel like I have so many questions that I've never gotten realistic, honest answers for. It's one thing to have a doctor explain a procedure to you and possible effects, but I think it would be much more helpful and comforting to hear about someone else's real world experiences in less clinical terms. I'm happy to answer anyone's questions about what my husband and I are going through, and I hope that someone reads this and feels comforted by the fact that they're not alone. Infertility is the hardest, most painful, and most frustrating trial I've ever faced. It's completely unfair, and expensive, and really takes an incredible physical and emotional toll. However, I have faith that great blessings await those who endure these types of trials, awful as they are, and I hope that finding comfort through sisterhood and friendship eases the journey.



This weekend, I really felt like part of a new sisterhood. Funny, because it really isn't new for me. (And I should mention it isn't the only sisterhood of which I am a part.) But it wasn't until this weekend we were termed "THE SISTERHOOD" while supporting one of our own. It really resonated with me, I am part of "THE SISTERHOOD"!!!!

Words are so powerful! They express more than we sometimes recognize. For me, this verbal acknowledge solidifies what I have already known and felt for years. Which is ... I am so blessed to be surrounded by sisters, who not only share my faith and understanding of God's plan, but in a very unique and intimate are able to fully grasp, bare witness of, and support me and my family through our infertility and adoption experiences.

I don't believe we are meant to experience life alone. Rather we meant to share with, learn from, lean on, uplift and most importantly love other people in this life. You are not my sisters by birth, but you are my sisters by choice.

I love you very much!


PS. Kim can you bring your camera again next time we get together? we need more of the girls represented. :)

Sunday, June 22, 2008


First of all my hope for this blog is that everyone will feel welcome what ever your situation may be. Weather you are in the process of fertility, thinking about adoption, have adopted and want to again or what ever. We all have something to share that will help someone else so don't be shy!

Most of you have heard my story and the things we have been dealing with but I will start this thing out by sharing a little more.

I have to say first of all I feel so blessed to have Cade and Jake I don't know what I would do without them. But I still feel a sense of lose with our IVF. I thought it would go away much faster but I feel this empty space in my life. Unfortunately we don't have the option of "well I guess we will try again next month" or ever for that matter. I still have faith that something will work out but it just feels so final! Now what do we do is the big question??????? I feel for all of you who have no children and the heartache that brings. And those who have one and just want for there child to have a sibling. It is hard not to ask why when it is such a righteous desire. We just have to believe the Lord has a plan for each of us....even though it is hard at times. I came across this picture of Cade's placement I wanted to share it. Our faces say it all! He is nothing short of a miracle!!!!!! So never give up hope.


I am so excited about this new blog. I can't wait to see who will join us. This is me, Rebbecca, Addie, Stacie and Kirsten. Just a few of the wonderful women in my life. Can't wait to make more friends!