Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Third Time's a Charm?

Hi all, after an extended absence from blogland, I'm back. Tomorrow morning Brian and I are going in for a 3rd (and final) IUI. We felt like it'd be good to give it one more shot. If it doesn't work, then we'll do either in vitro or adopt. Wish us luck!

If anyone is wondering about the whole donor sperm thing, we actually reached a decision. Before our trip the bishop called us in on an unrelated matter (changing callings), but we decided to take the opportunity to remind him of our situation and get his take on all of this. He was kind and encouraging, and didn't necessarily warn us against using donor sperm. He just said he knew that we'd make the right decision for us, and reminded us that if all of this infertility stuff doesn't work out, there are still beautiful blessings to be had through the miracle of adoption. After a week on vacation at the beach, we came to the conclusion that for now, donor sperm just isn't right for us. We might revisit that option in the future, but neither of us felt 100% comfortable with it right now.

On a positive note, I think Brian's opinion of adoption is changing. Unfortunately, the costs for both in vitro and adoption are staggering. If this IUI doesn't work out, we might just get our adoption papers together and get on a list while continuing to try naturally for the next few months. If we got chosen quickly, we would have enough money to pay for the adoption plus a bit leftover to use for future fertility treatments a few years down the road. On the other hand, if we just did in vitro, I feel like we'd be putting all of our eggs in only 2 baskets (pardon the pun), because we only have enough money to try it twice, max, and then we're out of money and unable to afford an adoption.

I feel like this is definitely major progress for us, and I know the Lord's plan for us will be revealed as long as we are prayerful.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Test.....

Sorry for so many posts. My cousin had me listen to this song and i have searched high and low for the lyrics or a video or something because this song talks about faith in your trials, i listen to it over and over again. I love it!! Her is a little tidbit, if you can download it and listen to it i promise you wont be disappointed!!

~Tell me friend, I see your trials,Why doesn't He who worked the miracles send solace to his child?
Tell me friend, if you understand,Why doesn't He with pow'r to raise the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him. I watch you and in sorrow question why?
Then you, my friend, in perfect faith reply:
Didn't He say He sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure?
After the trial we will be blessed, but this life is the test.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Reproductive Care Center............

Nick and I have made an appointment for August 26 to have a consult with an RE. Im excited, but not really. More scared than anything. We wont be starting this month however. I have been putting together a fund raiser for my cousins little boy for Sept. 6, and i don't want to have to take all that medicine and hormones and have the stress of the benefit as well, so we'll wait until September. I guess in a way, a little procrastination as talked about in the previous post? I think a little!! As for now, we haven't made a decision about putting our adoption papers in yet!! Hope everyone is doing well.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Procrastination or legitimately busy?

Have any of you done this before?   Taken a step or two towards adding to your family, then suddenly jerked to a stop?

Because I'm there.

Went to the RE clear back in May, had some tests, now I've stopped short of the HSG test that will tell me if IUIs are still a good option or not.   It's not that I'm afraid of the test - I've had too many horribly painful ones (try a uterine biopsy- that one hurts!) to have that be my concern, but I find myself just stopped at this crossroads trying to figure out why my feet won't move.   And it isn't just with infertitlity stuff: We met with LDS family back in May as well.  Our social worker gave us the initial paperwork to fill out, and do I even know where it is at this very moment?  Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know where it is, but have I even looked at it since that day?   Nope.

I tell myself that it's because we're busy trying to sell our home, or that DH has been gone too much to make scheduling the HSG nearly impossible, but I fear that the reality of it lies somewhere in the realm of frightened procrastination.

I mean, sure, I'd really like to lose about 30 pounds before starting the treatments that ballooned my weight up 30 pounds when I did them before, but I'm starting to think that the layer of dust on the treadmill makes it look sophisticated, much like the graying hair on a man.   And the fact that we had a message on our answering machine from the social worker asking if we are still interested in adopting hasn't sent me into panic mode, just made me want to drag my feet a little slower to avoid having to make that decision.

What is wrong with me????

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Does invitro hurt?

If we all hung our trials on a closeline...would you choose your own?

Im not posting this to make it sound like our trials are minute because they are huge to us and everyone feels pain. I just felt i needed to share this.

Glenda posted a blog about a woman who lost her daughter to choking on an apple. I love to blog surf so i figured id check it out....
Such an amazing woman and a heart wrenching story. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering this woman has been through. I look at my trial and realize that even though Nick and I's arms seem empty, i would rather feel this way forever than had to endure loving and losing a child. Today I am so greatful for my trial.
Hopefully im not stepping on any toes!! Check it out if you have time.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Thanks for all the nice comments people left.  It's always great to meet others who have been through what you've gone through, but I left out one part of the story (because it was waaaay too long already) and that is that I've just recently been to see an RE up at the U who says my chances for getting pregnant are excellent if we do IUIs again.  Which has, unfortunately started the whole raging conflict over again (and is one reason for joining all you incredible women on this blog)!  We just went to ask about getting some blood tests done to see if there is a reason for my 2 failed pregnancies and instead of just coming out of the initial Dr appointment with a prescription for a bunch of blood tests (that I can't begin to pronounce, or spell), we walked out with hope.  And in so many ways that was more frustrating because I thought that all of this infertility stuff was behind me.  I felt like I'd somehow stepped back in time about 5 years, and it was, well, almost like drowning in bad memories.

So we did the tests and all but one came back negative, which the Dr's nurse said probably means that there are no blood disorders causing miscarriage.   At the sonohystogram appointment (to check for uterine abnormalities) he said I am borderline PCOS, and that if I wanted to do an HSG to check to see if my tubes are open (common problem with endo), I could schedule that at any time--which I haven't done.  Right now I just can't bring myself to even look at the possibility of going back through the ups and downs of clomid (or injectibles and all of the risks associated with that!) as well as starting to pee on those "period starter" sticks again (aka pregnancy tests).

Like I said, the memories are getting deeper and I'm not sure that I can wade my way out to even think clearly about the possibilities.