Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Am I the only one who likes to listens to songs that reflect my current mood or situation? Somehow it makes me feel better to have my thoughts and feelings expressed in music, hence my posts on "I Would Die for That" and "From God's Arms". Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm a real country music fan, but I do like the Dixie Chicks from time to time.

On one of their CD's, they wrote a song about struggling with infertility since at least 2 of the 3 band members have dealt with it. The song is called "So Hard", and you can listen to it HERE.

I especially like the lyrics:

Back when we started,
We didn't know how hard it was.
Living on nothing,
But what the wind would bring to us.
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for.
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong.
And I try my best to be strong.
But you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard.

It felt like a given,
Something a woman's born to do.
A natural ambition,
To see a reflection of me and you.

And I'd feel so guilty,
If that was a gift I couldn't give.
And could you be happy,
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out,
To prove everybody wrong.
And I need your help to move on,
Cause you know it's so hard.
It's so hard.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
So hard.

I can live for the moment,
When all these clouds open up for me to see,
And show me a vision,
Of you and me swimming peacefully.

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy.

It's so hard.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New and in need

Hi all.  My name is Sara.  My husband and I have been "trying to get pregnant"  for the past 3 years with no success(obviously).  I have had and HSG, plenty of ultrasounds, numerous drugs and injections.  I know there are many of you that have struggled far more than I have up to this point and I am in desperate need of someone who can relate to me.  So I turn to you.  I'm going to try to hold back how negative I feel right now so that I don't bombard all of you with Johnny Rain Cloud, however that best describes me at this point.  I say all of the following knowing that every single one of you knows what i am talking about, and so I look for advice.

  Every single friend I have is "preggers" ( :)hate the word) or has a kid or two.  I had one friend who had been trying for 2 years and just got pregnant.  I was so excited for her because i knew how she felt when she was trying.  Ever since it has been, "we went to the maternity store today!, we bought baby clothes today, etc.) I feel horrible. while I should be a good friend, I am having the hardest time being supportive.  I find myself looking for ways to avoid her. This is not right.  I'm at the point now where I can't go to baby showers.  Truly I am happy for all who are able to conceive and try to show I care.  I am just too darn sensitive to look through baby name books and talk about breast feeding.  Even worse than that though, I work at an OBGYN office.  I see the 14-15 year olds or meth addicts coming in and having babies.  They are so excited to play dress up with these sweet spirits from heaven.  It is frustrating.  I want to slap them.  I take a lot of phone calls from women who want abortions and I just transfer them to a nurse, i can't even talk to them.  We don't do them at our office, thank heaven!   

I just had my 1st IUI knowing that it probably wouldn't work on the 1st try.  No ones except for y'all.  I have already doomed it to failure even though I won't know anything for a week or so.  I am trying to be positive about it, but how can you be positive, without getting your hopes too high?  HELP!  Also the last injection I had to release the egg was horrible.  It didn't hurt, but I was definitely not myself after a couple of days.  I am always a positive person, happy to be alive and grateful for the blessings i do have.  This hormone made me want to kill anything in my path.  Okay, not literally, but man I felt like a beast!!  I think now it is wearing off and aside from blowing off a little steam, i'm feeling okay.  Do any of you have the friends or family that say, "oh, i had a friend that couldn't get pregnant for (x) years.  I hope that isn't you."  "all in due time sara."  (as they are holding their 5th child on their hip.)  :)  

One other thing I think I need to use control on is blogging.  I have payed attention to how I feel after a night of blogging.  I look at all of these beautiful children on all of my friends' blogs, and then i'm sad.  I should limit my time on the blogs.  Is this just me or do any of you find you have this same issue?  

I am so thankful that Hillary invited me to join this blog.  I feel like there was a reason she found my husband an in turn started talking to me.  It is so funny, interesting, I guess how Heavenly Father knows who and when to place people in our lives.  I hope that is wasn't a total drag reading this entry and i will definitely try hard next time to be a positive influence, but i am in desperate need of help here.  I know none of you can take my pain away, but if any one has any words of advice on how to cope with my own sensitive emotions, how to let out frustrations, and just plain how to deal.  I am talking to the bishop in our ward for a blessing, the 1st of many i'm sure, so I know that will help.  Any advice?

Thanks so much for all of your posts and I look forward to being and receiving support from this sisterhood!  Thanks, Sara

PS Eric and I will start the adoption process in his 3rd year of Pharmacy school.  Next year.  I don't know where to start or what to do or where to look, so ideas on that would be great as well.

Hi, I'm Addie's friend!

Thanks for letting me join. I have been married for 11 years in March and we don't have any children. We are hoping to adopt our first child through LDS Adoption services. I could use some advice on a couple of things:
1st one is how do I make sure not to get lost in the adoption process? We are now on our 4th caseworker and with this new beta site they are doing I can't get ours to work or anyone at the agency to feel urgent about helping me! I hope you all don't think I am just a complainer cause I really just need advice about how to get things done without having to be "tough" about it.
2nd thing is I have a sister who isn't married and is living with her 19 year old boyfriend. She just sprang on me last weekend that she is pregnant and they aren't planning on getting married till after the baby is born so she can get "Wick" (sp?) assistance. Now I know I should be a calm & supportive older sister but I can tell you that I am freaking out and not sure what to say. Any advice would be great. Thank you again.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

{i'm new}

hello girls...

i'm new here. i was invited by my friend hillary and am extremely grateful i was. this infertility stuff isn't very fun and i'm excited and hopeful that making new friends that have similar problems will help with our journey to become parents.

my name is ashley owens and my husband, cameron, and i have only been trying to have a baby since last march. we have been married for over 5 years and are still madly in love. we know that we haven't had as much time as some dealing with infertility, but are quickly finding out that each and every month it doesn't happen that we are crushed and feel defeated. anyway, here's our story: i knew that something wasn't right after just a few months of trying. i have very regular cycles but was spotting about a week before each period...not really normal so naturally i thought i had a problem with low progesterone. knowing that wasn't a big deal to fix, i made an appt with my ob/gyn last november. he felt like i might be right in assuming low progesterone and he quickly prescribed 3 months of clomid to regulate my horomones and to make "better eggs," fixing the spotting in the mean time. cameron also had an SA and everything was "above average." well, we've done all 3 months of clomid and all were unsuccessful. it didn't really fix the spotting and consequently i had my progesterone drawn and it was 14 on CD24. normal. that's where we are now. i have an appt to see my MD again and we'll have to be discussing what our options are from here on out. i know he mentioned getting an hsg to check my tube patentcy and identify any obvious uterine problems. so there you go. i'm sure he'll offer to have us do IUI and maybe injectibles. what do you guys think??

if i always ovulate on my own would injectibles and IUI even be helpful?? especially if my hubby's sperm is great.?

or, would you just suggest a referral to an RE and skip out on the tests that the RE would probably just repeat?
i appreciate everyone welcoming me here and look forward to getting to know you all a little better. hopefully i can be of some support too, as this really is so hard when everyone around can do it so easily. thanks again...ashley

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Deep breath...

Ok, so I did it. Finally. No more procrastination. No more being wishy-washy. I called today to schedule our in vitro consultation, which is the first step in the 5-6 week process.

We weren't sure if in vitro was right for us. We spent months praying to know if we should pursue in vitro or give up on biology and pursue another completely valid and incredible road to parenthood, adoption. We almost adopted twins in November--did I mention that? But as we learned more about them and their birth mom, the scarier it became. They were preemies, having been exposed significantly to drugs and alcohol. They were in the NICU, and were going to be for a long time. They were going to require extensive medical care, as one or both of them had brain bleeds (which would likely lead to cerebral palsy). Plus the birth mom was feeling unsure about placement. After a great deal of thought and prayer, we got our answer: this wasn't right, and we should pursue in vitro for the moment. We feel like we should open as many doors and pursue as many paths as possible to parenthood. So in vitro now (because my fertility has an expiration date), with the possibility of adoption later.

So we decided to save up and schedule our in vitro after the new year. But I also had a strong confirmation from the Spirit that adoption was divinely ordained for children who deserve a loving, stable, two-parent home but happen to have been born into less than ideal circumstances. Maybe that will be us in the future, and I sure hope so, regardless of whether in vitro works for us.

So our consultation is scheduled for February 24, with the actual in vitro stuff going on mid-March. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I'd love to hear more about your experiences with in vitro, especially if it involved ICSI and/or male factor infertility. Please fill me in on what we've gotten ourselves into!

P.S. I wanted to welcome Sara Roberts, our newest sister in need of support.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


i am wondering if you all have some good advice (say a top 10 list) of how to BLOW OFF STEAM!!! the stress of infertility, failed placements, raising adopted kids, and finally the drama of birth parents (I have a new one ... a birth father who decided he wants to be a part of my child's life after 3 years of NOTHING ... WHAT THE HELL!!!) and so on ...

i would love to hear your FAVORITES for letting it out and letting it go (and I am trying really hard to avoid destructive options - like eating or swearing or ... or ... so remember we are responsible adults now. I know - totally bummer!)

1. DANCING - does anyone want to go clubing? are we too old for that??
2. THROW something (jason might prefer BURNING something)

thanks for the help. lots of love - addie

Monday, January 12, 2009

In the spirit of laughter

I agree that sometimes you just need to laugh about infertility. Have you guys seen that mock-blog "Seriously, So Blessed"? If you haven't, you need to check it out. It's written by a fake girl named Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole, whose husband goes to law/business/medical/ dental school. They are the perfect LDS newlyweds, and are expecting twins. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard at all the stupid stories (complete with misspelled words and horrible grammar).

One of the tough things about this trial is that you often get judged and asked insensitive questions, especially from other LDS friends (since having babies is such a central part of LDS culture). My husband and I have been asked numerous times if we just don't like kids, or when we're going to start, or if we've read talks from apostles advising couples to not wait, etc. We've been told we need to have more faith, or that perhaps the Lord is punishing us for our politics (ridiculous). Along those same lines, this was a recent post on Seriously, So Blessed:

bad perplexion


Last night was hobby nite at the law/biz/med/dental school wives club (so fun!...every one is so creative!) and this darling chica who seriously NEVER comes, showed up and geez, TALK about an awkward incounter you gys. I was way friendly and polite, as is of upmost importance as the first-lady, but ew! Hate to gossip, but this IS my journal, and I = way puzzled and in desparate need a venting spree. So get this...

They've been married for freaking EVER, I think since oh-SIX or something ridiculous, and guess how many kids? Um, ZERO. And she's not even preggers! Plus she has a JOB. Um, WTH. It's like there against wick and loans or something, not to mention HELLO!? Do they even HAVE parents??


Of coarse, I'm sure they've been "trying" ;o) so to be nice, I figured I'd suggest a few things to help her get blessed slash preggo. I opened my eyes way big and earnest so my mascara clumps bonked into my carefully-shaped brows, and asked way hi-pitched friendly, "Have you guys thought about paying tithing?" She was all, "What do you mean?"

LOL! Awkard! I shrugged my teensy shoulders and gentley put a lotiony hand on her back all compassionate. I lowered my cute head and tossed my streaked bangs slowly, giving her my darling quizzical pity pout, and pointed slowly at my fertile garden belly, (meaningful pause), then at her desolate desert one.

"You know....TWO, NONE. TWO, NONE...

Just saying maybe it's time to CTR."

Nice, right? But nooo, she flipped the heck out and chose to be offended. Girls are SO drama! Always telling the J-Dub he's seriously so lucky to of married someone so down to earth and chill. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM TO NOT HAVE A BORING LIFE. It's like, is it just that she's selfish and a heaven hater, or does she have a wasteland of a womb?? I'm TRYING to be sensitive but it is way hard. Should I send a note?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sometimes you just need to laugh

This one got me to the point of nearly peeing my pants. I never considered that hubby's sperm is gay. Wow that is a new one. Do you think there is a treatment for that?

I was thinking about you fine ladies this past weekend. Well actually (quite often) during the holidays. Its hard to know what you really really want for Christmas this year, and Santa didn't or in my case will NEVER deliver. I did ask him once though. At a Christmas family function...Lets just say it forced a quiteness (not common in my large, loud family) amongst the crowd, and I left the jolly ole' elf speechless. Probably not the best idea, but I couldn't resist.
Anyway, we have been dealing with the "disease" of infertility for nearly a decade, and I am sad to say that it still hurts. Well, not full on breakdowns these days but the sting is still there. I ran into a infertility friend of mine recently, and guess what she is prego with number dos! Although the joy for her and her family overshadowed the "sting" I was quite surprised how it unleashed multiple feelings for me. As the wallowing got deeper, I realized that laughing myself out of it somehow seemed to help the feelings subside.
Soo, when your low with the remnants of "holiday blues", find something out there that merits a laugh or two! Who knows it may be your inhospitable womb or his gay sperm!

Monday, January 5, 2009

No more procrastination?

I did it.  I finally went ahead and scheduled my HSG test for this Wednesday, and suddenly I am terrified.  What if my tubes are blocked?  What if they aren't?

And somehow I know that I haven't seen the last of this old friend/foe I call procrastination.