.i guess i'm the only one here.

well, i guess i'll just keep getting up on this soap box... and everyone can listen.. today was, by far, the worst day of my life. (sort of an exaggeration) but my dr. just called and told me that ZERO of our eggs fertilized. they believe it is an enzyme/receptor problem in which we will need icsi for. if that even works at all. dr richards doesn't have icsi here because they like to keep the costs down and not purchase the big equiptment.

anyway, this $9500 is down the toilet, and if we want to try again we'll have to travel to LA to have icsi done.

i'm just sad.

well, not such fabulous news here. i had my scan last monday and they said i only had like 4 follicles that would be ready in time for ER. they upped my dose of meds and i had another scan today. only 5. for my age, they say that i may be someone that has diminished ovarian reserve.. not what i wanted to hear, but at LEAST that's some sort of diagnosis, and i'm not crazy for trying ivf. we are still on for monday ER, but we will not have NEARLY as many eggies as we had planned. i'd love for one or two to be great...but i'm cautiously hopeful. going to the temple to pray about it tomorrow, but just wanted to say thanks again.

anyone have problems with ovarian response or reserve??

.we're doin' it.

IVF that is.

my hubby and i have prayed and prayed about it, and we finally decided to do it. it's been a scary realization that this may not work even after the money is gone. but that's the least of my worries. i'm happy that we're almost to our retreival date. it's been a long haul with all sorts of emotions involved. i LOVE the drs we're seeing, they are one in a million...and brilliant.

anyway, just wanted to say thanks for all the support. our retrieval date is going to probably be next monday the 21st. but we'll see. i have been on bcps, lupron, bravelle, and menopur. i go in for a follicle scan and bw tomorrow. best of luck to everyone on thier journey. if this doesn't work, we're moving onto adoption. thanks again.

ash

The Story Of Lia....

So I am finally getting around to telling the story of Lia. As most of you know we have two boys that we have been blessed with through adoption. We put papers in for the first time after years of fertility and in Jan. of 2003 we received our first miracle (Cade) in August of 2003. We were so happy we didn’t have to wait forever like we thought we would. We decided to put our papers back in Dec. 2004 knowing that it could take a long time to get a second. We were chosen Nov. 2005 and received our second miracle (Jake) Feb. 2006. We felt so blessed to have two boys only 2 ½ years apart and knew it was truly a miracle to have our family. Jon and I always felt that we should adopt two and then maybe look into doing IVF. So that is what we did. In Dec. 2007 we made the huge decision to do IVF. It was NOT easy to open that door again but we met with our Dr. in Feb. 2008 and did our IVF April-June 2008. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and the result was heartbreaking for us and our families. It was not easy to open our hearts to fertility again and to fail once again was almost more than I could bare. I remember sitting on the couch the day we found out it didn’t work feeling sad and confused but at the same time an incredible amount of peace. I felt in my heart that the Lord had a reason for our IVF not working. Over the next year we tried to move on but a piece of me felt lost. No matter what I did I could not fill the void I felt in my life. I felt so alone and betrayed and wondered why I had to endure another heartbreaking experience with infertility. All I ever wanted was a family and it did not feel fare that I could not have what others seemed to have so easily. Although I was EXTREMELY grateful to have my boys my family felt incomplete. As hard as I tried to have faith and move forward my heart ached. It really took me a long time to pull myself together. I couldn't understand Heavenly Fathers plan and wondered why he had promised me another child if it wasn't really meant to be. I tried to tell myself "maybe in the next life"? But I wasn't asking about the next life I was asking about now!!! Finally after LOTS of soul searching, prayer, family support and faith in Heavenly Father I was able to be content with the void I felt. I came to accept Heavenly Fathers plan for me and believed in him again. I knew that somehow some way Heavenly Father would fulfill his promise of another child. I had put myself out there and had done all I could do the rest was up to him. We had put our papers in for adoption through LDS family services in Nov. 2008 but felt that it would take years if it ever happened at all. I really never thought in a million years we would be chosen again. We told everyone we knew we were hoping to adopt. We put together an adoption blog and had all our friends and family put the link on their blog hoping that somehow some way the right person would find us. We planned on waiting a long time and just felt blessed to have our boys. One afternoon I got a phone call from our case worker telling us there was a Birth Mother in the hospital with pre-term labor at 27 weeks. She asked if we were okay with them showing our file to her. Of course we said YES. I couldn’t get the situation off of my mind. They had told us it was a girl and that was really exciting to think we could have a little girl. I tried not to think about it too much realizing we were only one of the couples being shown to her. I was in Target and couldn’t help but take a look at all the cute girl stuff. Before I knew it my whole cart was full. I hurried and bought it all before I could talk myself out of it. When I got home I couldn’t believe what I had done and quickly put it away in the closet and told myself I would take it back. Well a week later we heard from our case worker again and this time she had GREAT news. She told us that the Birth Mother had looked through all the files and wanted to meet with only us. She felt a strong connection with us but wanted to meet with us in person before she announced she had chosen us. So we met with them that Sat. The meeting we had with her and Lia’s Birth Father was amazing!!!! From the second we walked into the room we felt the spirit so strong and knew without a doubt this was right. We knew her and the Birth Father felt it too. The next day was Mothers Day and when we got home from church we got an email from them asking us to call. So I called Amanda wondering and hoping for the best. She first told me Happy Mother’s Day and then went on to tell me that she had prayed about us again after our meeting and that her and Jason both knew without a doubt this baby was ours. She expressed how she had always known that the baby was meant for someone else but didn’t know how on earth she could place her. She said she knew the second she found us that this was Heavenly Fathers plan. All I could do was cry and give Jon thumbs up. We talked for just a minute and then hung up the phone. Jon and I just kind of sat there in disbelief knowing how wonderful this news was and what it meant for our little family. We quickly called our families and told them all the good news. Everyone was so excited for us and I couldn’t have received a more wonderful Mothers Day gift. So many of my Mothers Days in the past were filled with sorrow and to have such wonderful news on that day meant the world to me. Amanda was able to go home from the hospital on bead rest for the next several weeks. Over that time we developed and very sweet relationship. She has three children of her own so we had a different connection both being mothers. The weeks following were not easy and there were lots of ups and downs but Amanda was so strong through it all. How she did it being on bed rest with three children I will never know, but she did it. She was scheduled to have a C-section on the 10th of July. Her plan was to have us there for the birth and then spend four days in the hospital and take her home for two days making placement July 17th. So we were counting down the weeks and doing all we could do to support her. Wed. June 24th we got a phone call telling us that our little Lia was born. Amanda had gone in for a check up and was sent right to the hospital for an emergency C-section. So we were not able to be at the birth which was sad, but all that mattered is that Amanda and Lia were okay. That Sunday they were discharged and she called to tell us that because she was not able to spend time with her she was going to take her home for a week. We did the only thing we could do and told her that sounded great and that we supported her. We really did support her decision because we love her but it was NOT easy for us. Amanda was so sweet and called us several times to reassure us she was not going to change her mind. I don't know how she was able to give us so much love and support durring that week but she was so good to us. She is truley such an amazing, sweet, courageous person. We met that next Monday and she placed her sweet baby girl in our arms. It was the most amazing day of our lives knowing she was the missing peace and that now our family was complete!!! I know it was the hardest thing Amanda will ever do and through it all she had such a peace about her. She is truly the most courageous woman I have ever known. She knows what it means to be Mother and knew what she was giving up. It was an emotional day but a spiritual day. I can’t describe the peace we all felt knowing without a doubt this was the Lords plan all along. I realized why our IVF didn’t work and WHY we had to endure such heart break, it was to bring Lia into our family. It all made perfect sense!!!! Since that day I have not stopped smiling or thanking my Heavenly Father for this amazing miracle. Most of all I feel humbled and honored to be a part of such an amazing process. Never did we think it was possible to adopt three children all through LDS family services, but here we are. I know there are so many asking how in the world are they so lucky? I really don’t know the answere, but I can say Jon and I have done EVERYTHING in our power to have a family. It has not been easy and we have had to do things we didn’t want to do and have had to put ourselves out there in every possible way. It has been a hard long road but the blessings have been amazing. I wouldn’t trade what we have been through. It has not only brought us our family but it has taught us so much, made our faith grow and shaped us into the people we are today. My hope and prayer is that the same can happen for each of you. The peace and happiness I feel right now is indescribable. Our family is complete and my heart is full. I know you all can imagine how good that feels. I know that I have many more lessons to learn and that my trials are not over, but my sweet babies are here and right now that is all that matters. I hope more than anything that all of you realize and know that it can happen to you too and to never give up on that. Have faith and know your miracle will come. The Lord has a plan for each of us and all he asks of us is to do our part and trust in him!!!!

On another note I have been so busy with my sweet baby that I have totally neglected the SOS!!! I still want this to be a sounding board for all of those who need to be heard and Validated. I think we have all been busy with summer and other things but I hope we can pick back up and make this blog GREAT. So many need our love and support and I hope that they can find it here. I have chosen not to go private hoping to reach out to as many people as possible. I need your help, PLEASE help me keep this going. I would love an update on all of you and what you have been up to. Thanks for all the support you have given me durring a time I needed it most. LOVE YOU ALL!!!


Thanks for reading my story I hope it might help some of you and give you the hope and strength to move forward.
Lots of Love, Kim