Hi sisters. I am new to the blog and have been touched by your experiences shared and the invitation to belong to this support group.
Me and my husband have been married for five years and have been doing inferility treatments and testing for the past three years. This summer we were elated when an IUI treatment was successful and we were pregnant! It was a very exciting and special eleven weeks until our baby's heart stopped 15 days ago. We have been dealing with the loss of our sweet baby as well as the loss of our dream of starting a family finally coming true.
Part of the struggle with our miscarriage was telling all of the many people that had encouraged and supported us, and I was dreading all of the comments about "how this happens for a reason" or maybe if we would have done something differently... I have been surprised and glad that most people have just expressed sympathy, until last week after my D&C a family member asked my husband if I had "had my abortion yet". He told her that was not a good choice of words, but it really hurt me and I worry about her telling other people that we aborted our baby.
So my question is, how do you deal with hurtful comments? Is it better to try and educate people about what they are saying that is incorrect, or is it better to let things go and not risk also offending them?
I hope this is an OK post, especially because it is kind of grumpy and I am new to the group! Others just don't understand quite the same or haven't gone through these trials.
I look forward to getting to know you better~
RaeAnn
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Looking for Advice
Posted by RaeAnn at 10:36 AM
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9 comments:
People are LAME!!!! We have had some really insensitive comments too like "Well at least you know you he has swimmers" or "Think about all the babies you will have during the millennium" -- Such comments don't help feel the void and empty arms. As easy as it is to say ignore them - it's difficult to do so. Just keep your head up and cry when you need to - The loss of a baby doesn't get easier, you just learn to deal with the pain better. Your in my thoughts.
I think your husband letting her know that what she said was wrong was a good thing. I don't know how people can say such things and not understand how hurtfull it is. How could they take something like a miscarraige so light-heartedly. I would wait for the right time and maybe mention it to her and make sure she really doesn't feel that way. Sometimes too it is best just to let it go and realize they don't know any better. SAD FOR THEM!!! I still can not imagine the pain you are feeling. Like I said I feel a loss with our failed IVF and I was never even pregnant. But I had a due date and the hope that it would happen. I can't imagine finally getting pregnant and then loosing it. Especially almost 3 months along. My heart aches for you and I hope you know I am thinking of you and praying the Lord will bless you with the peace and comfort you need. The next 6 months will be hard but you just have to let yourself heal and feel the pain. I am sure it will never fully go away untill you hold your sweet baby in your arms. Then it will all feel like a bad dream that only comes back every now and then. Even now that I have my sweet boys that pain of what I have been through jumps out at me now and then. You will never forget but I have found that time really does heal everything. So give yourself time and hang in there.
I am so glad you joined us!
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there myself, and I understand how difficult it can be.
As for your question, I hate my answer, but I've realized through my own experience that the response should be tailored to fit the person asking. For example, when some people ask how you're doing, but only want to hear the standard, "Fine, how are you?", there will be people that don't want to hear what you truly want to say.
That being said, I also personally don't think that it is wrong to respond (gently) by using the correct terminology when someone uses a word or phrase that is hurtful. For instance, you did not have an abortion, you had a D&C. Putting things into correct medical terms sometimes can help to educate the offender without sounding offensive yourself.
The best advice I can give, is to let yourself have time to grieve, and try to be patient (UGH! I hate trying to be patient.) with those whose words are thoughtless. Most people mean well, but some words just end up being more hurtful than just a simple, "I'm so sorry."
I am sending a prayer your way.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't ever presume to know what you're going through, and I think it's crazy for anyone to assume he or she does either. However, I think most of the time people feel like they should same something or want to, in some way, connect with you, and so they make insensitive comments. I can't even begin to understand the pain of finally getting pregnant and then having that taken away--in all our IUI's and trying, we've never been successful. I can only imagine how hard it would be to get so excited only to have your hopes crushed. My heart hurts for you.
Using your husband as a buffer is a great maneuver. But if you want to speak for yourself, I think what you say and to whom depends on how well you know the person. There are people in our ward who've made insensitive/hurtful comments about our infertility, and since I don't know them well, I respond politely but briefly. I don't waste my time explaining to them why they hurt my feelings. But if it's someone I'm close to, and the time feels right, I wouldn't hesitate to talk to that person.
Even though this is what I think I'd do, every situation is unique and ultimately you have to make the right decision for yourself. You and your husband are going through something so painful and so hard that most people will never actually know what it's like. Know that it's okay to feel however you feel--sad, angry, frustrated, miserable, etc. But Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten about you. I'll be praying for you!
Love,
Hillary
I am so sorry to hear about your sweet little lost. I am very aware of people being very rude and judgemental. I often wonder what makes them think of such things, but then I remember that maybe they have never experience such a tragic loss, so then I give them a little break, but I also correct them so they don't make the same mistake again. I have gone through what you're going through and it will be really hard especially when you are around women that are expecting, and when the due date comes and goes. But I will tell you this, this coming from someone that has been through it, it will get easier and you will find yourself having good days and bad days but you have to keep your spirits up and eventually the hurt will be almost nonexistant. My thoughts and prayer are with you and if you need any body to talk to please let me know. my email address is sjadixie@hotmail.com
This is a really great blog, I love all the support and posts. I agree with what someone else said about first thinking about the person that said it and responding according to who it was. I think that with who said this would never fully get how she offended you. She has never gone through such a loss that would help her empathize with the healing process you are going through. It's an ignorance I just don't get. I still can't believe she said that though, I would never put abortion with a D&C. Abort means stop, and you would never stop a pregnancy. I'm sorry.
I'm so glad that you've joined us, though I was so saddened to hear about your recent loss.
It's absolutely shameless what people will say to you, not only during a time of grief (which requires so much compassion and sensitivity), but anytime they feel they need to dish out the uneducated and unsolicited advice that we would rather not be subjected to.
This is where time and experience will be your friend.
It seems that the more this sort of thing happens in my life, the more it forces me to grow. I can honestly say that I have come to a point in my life where other's opinions and hurtful remarks are no longer a factor.
And though it took many years to get here (and many doubts that it was even possible), that growth and knowledge continue to shape who I am today. I am at peace, and do not apologize for myself, my family, or our size.
I hope you know that you are welcomed here and more importantly - you are not alone.
ReaAnn,
Welcome to the Sisterhood!!
Like the others, I first want to acknowledge your loss. How DEVASTATING!!!! My heart goes out to you and your husband. The loss of a child, has got to be one of the hardest experiences of mortal life. I hope you take the time to heal accordingly.
My own opinion is education is always the best route. Teaching people proper use of terms and expressions is extremely important in having INTEGRITY with your words. Not only was the person extremely INSENSITIVE to you and your needs, but also misusing a word with dire consequences. how aweful!!
My only caution, is be careful in your timing and approach. If you present this information when you are mad and defensive, it may not be an educational opportuntity, it may appear to be a lashing. As you can imagine, lashings are never received very well. A calm sensitive approach works much better. ... Nothing you don't already know.
best of luck to you and your healing process. you will be in our thoughts.
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