Oh so close!!!!!!

Dan and I have said that our family is complete and then we kind of half joke that if a baby turned up on our door step we would not close the door on the sweet little thing!!!!! Well Wednesday night after we got home from the temple, we got a phone call from a friends sister who has a niece that has a friend (can you follow that??) who wanted to place her 2 year old little BOY who is half Caucasian and half Hispanic. She asked us if we would be interested and that it would happen rather quickly. I told her that we would talk about it and pray about it and then get back with her. Dan and I just sort of sat there and stared at each other. We did not know how to start processing this information. We went from being totally calm to panic mode in 30 sec. The first think I thought and felt were all the feelings that came with Kiera's pre-placement week. Fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, and wanting so badly to have this baby in our family but having every decision out of my control. We finally said a prayer together and then we talked about all the pros and con's of adding a 2 year old little boy into the mix of our family. I have to tell you the first think I felt after praying was peace and comfort. Still in the back of my mind I kept thinking "I can't do this again. I don't want to hurt like that again". But then a thought came into my mind that with out pain and suffering we would not have happiness. It basically came down to sleeping on the idea, praying a lot, and talking to family the next day. After a very restless night we got up and tried to go about our day as normal as possible, however that did not work. First thing I did was call Addie. I remember her going through something very similar to our situation and I needed her advise and I needed some reassurance one way or the other (Thanks Addie for the advise, comfort, and just listening to me). Dan and I went back and forth on the phone all day long. We also went back and forth with the birth mother's friends Aunt all day long as well. We found out bits and pieces of information with each phone call. Dan and I still struggled with what was right for our family, and finally Dan came up with the idea to meet the little boy and his mom and progress one step at a time. We had it set up to meet with them the next day at a mutual friends home and see what progressed with all of that. I guess you could say it was a matching meeting and face to face. However I was still kind of panicking with my fear of getting hurt, and nobody could tell me if there was a birth father in the picture. I needed for my own peace of mind to know this little bit of information. I can not deal with another crazy birth father. So finally our friend called the birth mother and she finally gave up the info on the birth father. They were never married, he did not have visitation rights because he was abusive, but he did have to pay child support of $100 per month and he was going to Jail in a few days for a DUI. He never missed a month of child support and when she asked if he would relinquish his rights he basically told her where to go and how to get there and that after he got out of Jail in 90 day's that he was going to fight for "HIS" little boy. Oh yeah and by the way he is also involved in a gang and she is afraid of him. So she wanted US to deal with him!!!!!!! So there it is in a nut shell. The birth father is pretty much just like Kiera's. We talked a bit more back and forth with all party's involved and it came down to this. There is not one think we could do about the situation. The birth father has to voluntarily go to court and relinquish his rights in front of a judge and as of right now he is not going to do that. So we decided that it would not be a good idea to meet with the birth mother and this sweet little boy. We could not bring ourselves to meet him and fall in love with him when most likely this was not going to happen. Thursday night both Dan and I felt peace and comfort knowing that things happen for a reason but in a way we still felt a loss that left us sad and that also brought up feelings that have long been put away. On Friday it was our stake Lagoon day and we went and had a good time, but I could not help myself every time we saw a little Hispanic boy my heart fell just a little bit and longed for what could have been. This is the third time that we have come so close to having a little boy in our family. All of the little boys were 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 Hispanic. We will now pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off one more time, and enjoy our sweet beautiful little princess girls whom we love and adore with every fiber of our beings.