2004. I was suppose to be mom. Instead, I believe that I had my heart ripped out of my chest. Let me explain.
We had been approved for adoption for nearly 2 years. In March (of 2004), we had been chosen by a mother, and fostered a thriving relationship with her, her boyfriend (the unborn baby's father), and their 2 year old son. They could not provide for this baby. Financially they could hardly support themselves as it was, emotionally they were not ready for another child. The list went on.
Mothers Day was the day she was born. We already had a name chosen. Brenna. Everyone knew about her. I decorated the nursery in ladybugs. I purchased the best carseat/stroller combo we could afford. We are talking Cadillac!
I quit my job. I made a mad dash to clean the house (nesting I suppose). Installed the carseat. Wow! This is strange, driving around town with a carseat in the back of my car. How surreal! Then the night before placement was to happen, our world fell apart.
A phone call. Mom had had some bleeding. The doctors thought that they may have to do a emergency hysterectomy. This would most likely be it. No more babies. No more pregnancy. I can hardly imagine how a 19 year old can wrap her mind around it. Her decision...keep the baby. I could not hate her.
We were invited to the hospital to see her. Would I do that again? Most likely not. Her name now had a face. Precious. Adorable. Snuggly. Not mine. I cried myself into a depression.
Time really does have a way of easing the pain. Not getting rid of it, but easing it. Three months later we were chosen again, this time to be parents to a boy. And two years after that another baby boy to follow. I have been extremely blessed; two adorable children, an amazing husband, a wonderful home, and pretty darn great life, and beginning to understand this this life is not my plan.
On the flip side, you can bet where my heart is every Mother Day.
4 comments:
Rebecca I just want to give you a big hug. That had to have been so heartbreaking. And I am sure it still is. That pain although it lessons never goes away! I read all of your stories and think.... if they survived that then I can get through this. You all lift me up and let me know that I am not alone in my suffering. I wouldn't wish this apon anyone but feel blessed to have the love and support from those who truly feel my pain.
Rebecca, thanks for writing about your difficult experience... that was my worst fear when we were chosen by our birthmom. I wouldn't let anyone have a baby shower for me and we were very low key about the process until we had Ayden in our arms. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had him taken from us. You're living proof to us that one can make it through to the other side!
While reading your post, my heart ached for you even though you seem so happy and well-adjusted now. You seem to have the best attitude though, which is definitely proof of your faith in Heavenly Father's plan.
It is such a neat thing to know so many strong women. Rebecca you are truly a strong person in mind, body, and spirit. I am so grateful for your friendship and influence in my life.
Post a Comment