Have any of you done this before? Taken a step or two towards adding to your family, then suddenly jerked to a stop?
Because I'm there.
Went to the RE clear back in May, had some tests, now I've stopped short of the HSG test that will tell me if IUIs are still a good option or not. It's not that I'm afraid of the test - I've had too many horribly painful ones (try a uterine biopsy- that one hurts!) to have that be my concern, but I find myself just stopped at this crossroads trying to figure out why my feet won't move. 
And it isn't just with infertitlity stuff: We met with LDS family back in May as well. Our social worker gave us the initial paperwork to fill out, and do I even know where it is at this very moment? Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know where it is, but have I even looked at it since that day? Nope.
I tell myself that it's because we're busy trying to sell our home, or that DH has been gone too much to make scheduling the HSG nearly impossible, but I fear that the reality of it lies somewhere in the realm of frightened procrastination.
I mean, sure, I'd really like to lose about 30 pounds before starting the treatments that ballooned my weight up 30 pounds when I did them before, but I'm starting to think that the layer of dust on the treadmill makes it look sophisticated, much like the graying hair on a man. And the fact that we had a message on our answering machine from the social worker asking if we are still interested in adopting hasn't sent me into panic mode, just made me want to drag my feet a little slower to avoid having to make that decision.
What is wrong with me????
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Procrastination or legitimately busy?
Posted by Beck at 8:44 AM
Labels: procrastination, treatments
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
It is all about being ready to take that next step. Or more importantly being ready to have the motivation to do all that either option requires. It takes so much time and energy and it feels like too much sometimes. I too had our paper work mailed to us in Jan. Of coarse we were doing our IVF as well. But I really wanted to have both going for us. Now here we are and we have just started the adoption process. We had our intake interview yesterday and now the ball is rolling. I just hate that it requires so much time and energy.
GOOD LUCK!
I agree with Kim it takes a whole lot of time and energy. I did the same thing when we put our papers in the second time after we had a miscarriage.
I think part of it was me rebelling a little bit. I felt so angry and bitter that I had to fill out all this paperwork and "sell" myself as a mom. Stupid people got pregnant everyday and I had to do all this work. (Let me remind you I already did this once, got a beautiful boy, and have a huge testimony about the whole process) but it just all felt wrong to me. And not fair.
The best thing I did was just push through it. We pursued adoption and infertility at the same time and now we have results from both. Even though everything in me wanted to avoid it I knew I would regret each month we didn't have a result from either.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find some clarity and feel good about what you pursue. I promise whatever result you get is so worth it!
Oh Beck,
I am so there. Why else would I have a five year old without a playmate? When we finally did decide on adoption, it was like we were hit over the head with a ton of bricks - we just knew it was our path. I mean R-eally knew. That was all the motivation needed in order for us to get the ball rolling and take the chance of a life time.
And now...
Well to be completely truthful, it has only been within the past year that the Hubby and I have discussed the fertility options again.
Whether it has been selfishness, or a beautiful blessing in disguise, we just didn't feel that it was our time again (until recently), which has been wonderful for us because we haven't felt forlorn or discouraged as we continue to watch other's families grow. And I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but once we realized the challenge involved, we conceded that a small (quite small) family was perfectly fine and highly likely.
And that's Okay.
Considering the amount of time, energy, and $$$ involved in the process, it takes one's whole heart to jump in and do it again.
You've really got to know.
And I've learned not to feel guilty for our inability to procreate. I'm certainly not breaking any commandments here. And there is no obligation for couples who face infertility to adopt as many children as they can, or endure painful fertility treatments.
I met a woman and her husband in one of our Wards that had been married 26 years and were never able to conceive. For some reason, they felt strongly that their path was not adoption, and so they both went back to school, obtained respective Phd's and served in several different countries on Missions.
Those of us that have children may look at their life and assume there is a lack of joy. But if you met them, you would see how much they validate their union and how blessed they truly are.
It comes down to choice, and whether or not you and your Hubby feel confirmation of that choice.
But here I am, dragging my feet right along with you. I haven't really felt the way I did way back when we knew there was a child on the way, a child just for us. That makes it harder to take the process one step further. Well, that and the fabulous bcp's I'm now on - so thrilled. (Another post in and of itself.)
I think it helps that I've relocated to a city where the average family household is 2.4, and any family that has more than 2 children is considered massive... even at Church! Not so much pressure.
Good luck! I sure wish those wheels of motion could magically start turning on their own for you!
Funny thing is that before we got M - before we even knew about her, I had finally gotten to the point that I honestly was okay if we never had kids. Yes, there would be things that we would miss out on in life, but I could see the possibilies (like the couple in Kerith's old ward) opening up in front of me and I was actually getting excited about taking my life in a completely different direction than what I thought it would always be. M was God's big, wonderful surprise for us. DH and I were both just about to turn 31 when we brought her home. Sometimes I feel like God just keeps throwing me curveballs to get me to trust Him more, but, being the control freak that I am, I just can't let go and completely hand it over-- yet.
I think that it's the unsurety of knowing which path, if either, are right that just keeps me cemented in place. Both options are all-consuming, and at our age now, I'm not very confident that an adoption would happen again. But I am terrified of the higher chances of something being wrong with the baby if we decide to do infertility.
I know, I know. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear..."
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one who has gone through this! It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone.
Oh Beck you are so normal. I have been going throught the adoption process since Janurary. And still dont have everything completed. I think it is such a hard step to make. Hang in there i am sure you will know when you need to take another step.
Beck, Mimi needs a little brother...so she can have someone to beat on. lol. and i want a nephew.
Post a Comment