Hi all. My name is Sara. My husband and I have been "trying to get pregnant" for the past 3 years with no success(obviously). I have had and HSG, plenty of ultrasounds, numerous drugs and injections. I know there are many of you that have struggled far more than I have up to this point and I am in desperate need of someone who can relate to me. So I turn to you. I'm going to try to hold back how negative I feel right now so that I don't bombard all of you with Johnny Rain Cloud, however that best describes me at this point. I say all of the following knowing that every single one of you knows what i am talking about, and so I look for advice.
Every single friend I have is "preggers" ( :)hate the word) or has a kid or two. I had one friend who had been trying for 2 years and just got pregnant. I was so excited for her because i knew how she felt when she was trying. Ever since it has been, "we went to the maternity store today!, we bought baby clothes today, etc.) I feel horrible. while I should be a good friend, I am having the hardest time being supportive. I find myself looking for ways to avoid her. This is not right. I'm at the point now where I can't go to baby showers. Truly I am happy for all who are able to conceive and try to show I care. I am just too darn sensitive to look through baby name books and talk about breast feeding. Even worse than that though, I work at an OBGYN office. I see the 14-15 year olds or meth addicts coming in and having babies. They are so excited to play dress up with these sweet spirits from heaven. It is frustrating. I want to slap them. I take a lot of phone calls from women who want abortions and I just transfer them to a nurse, i can't even talk to them. We don't do them at our office, thank heaven!
I just had my 1st IUI knowing that it probably wouldn't work on the 1st try. No ones except for y'all. I have already doomed it to failure even though I won't know anything for a week or so. I am trying to be positive about it, but how can you be positive, without getting your hopes too high? HELP! Also the last injection I had to release the egg was horrible. It didn't hurt, but I was definitely not myself after a couple of days. I am always a positive person, happy to be alive and grateful for the blessings i do have. This hormone made me want to kill anything in my path. Okay, not literally, but man I felt like a beast!! I think now it is wearing off and aside from blowing off a little steam, i'm feeling okay. Do any of you have the friends or family that say, "oh, i had a friend that couldn't get pregnant for (x) years. I hope that isn't you." "all in due time sara." (as they are holding their 5th child on their hip.) :)
One other thing I think I need to use control on is blogging. I have payed attention to how I feel after a night of blogging. I look at all of these beautiful children on all of my friends' blogs, and then i'm sad. I should limit my time on the blogs. Is this just me or do any of you find you have this same issue?
I am so thankful that Hillary invited me to join this blog. I feel like there was a reason she found my husband an in turn started talking to me. It is so funny, interesting, I guess how Heavenly Father knows who and when to place people in our lives. I hope that is wasn't a total drag reading this entry and i will definitely try hard next time to be a positive influence, but i am in desperate need of help here. I know none of you can take my pain away, but if any one has any words of advice on how to cope with my own sensitive emotions, how to let out frustrations, and just plain how to deal. I am talking to the bishop in our ward for a blessing, the 1st of many i'm sure, so I know that will help. Any advice?
Thanks so much for all of your posts and I look forward to being and receiving support from this sisterhood! Thanks, Sara
PS Eric and I will start the adoption process in his 3rd year of Pharmacy school. Next year. I don't know where to start or what to do or where to look, so ideas on that would be great as well.
9 comments:
hi sara, i really don't have much advice as i am in your same shoes. i want to feel happy for those that get pregnant, but its SO hard when that's all you want and it doesn't happen. i feel your pain and know that a priesthood blessing always makes me feel better. just keep your chin up...and YES i totally am WAy more sad when i get done with a long blogging session. i just try to occupy my time with other hobbies and stay motivated around the house.
Oh Sara, my heart aches for you because I remember being in exactly your shoes. It was at about the 3 1/2 year mark where I had had enough!!!! I felt horrible from the meds and I honestly felt like a freak. Not being able to have children had consumed my life and I was lettting it ruin my life. That is when I knew I had to completly hand it over to the Lord and take a break. I commited to one last month of clomid and our sixth IUI and then I had to be done. I was getting bitter, sad, depressed and starting to loose what ever faith I had left. Not saying that you should quit yet but I knew I needed to mourn and move on. That is exactly what I did, I mourned the lose of what it would mean to get pregnant, started our adoption papers and took a breather. Of course I didn't want to waste any time so I didn't take too long of a break. Maybe a month. But I needed to just foucus on me for a minute and look at all the wonderful blessings I did have, like my husband and a wonderful family who still loved me in all my craziness!!! I am not trying to preach or tell you what to do, believe me I understand what you are going trough. For me it was good to just step back for a minute and look at all the things I did have going for me. Because
I was not a mom I felt I had no purpose and that simply was not true. I had a lot to offer and I needed to realize I wasn't being punished or over looked. I needed to realize the Lord loved me and had a plan for me. My best advise is to allow yourself to feel the pain and know that it is completly normal and OKAY to feel the way you are feeling. Don't be too hard on yourself this is not an easy thing to go through. A lot of times all I wanted to do was push the pain aside and be in denile. That was easier for me than crying my eyes out every day. But feeling really is healing. The only way you will be at peace with what is happening is to face it and ask your father in heaven for help. I have been in the depths of dispare feeling like I could not go on for another minute. But through a loving heavenly father I have been able to find peace. Pray to find a balance between your sadness and others joy. This is NOT easy and never will be but it will bring you so much peace. It was a glourious day when I was able to do this. Not saying it makes it all go away but you can atleast put on a happy face and then go home and cry. And not because they are pregnant BUT because you are not. There is a difference. Adoption was not an easy road either but atleast I felt sain and hopefull again. We have our two miracles and I thank God every day for them. I have often told others that fertility never really goes away. You find a special place for it in your soul but every now and then it jumps out to bite you. I am in a much better place now but that doesn't mean I don't feel the sting from time to time. At least now I know better how to deal with it. I reach out to friends, cry, be angry, be sad, cry some more, pray, cry, pray even more and allow myself as much time in the bath tub as I want. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is the hardest thing you have to face in your life right now. But have faith and dig deep to have hope in what the Lord has in store for you. I am living proof there is a plan. There is a plan for you as well. And in the end it will make perfect sence and your joy will be more than you could have ever thought possible. Hang in there your miracle will happen. And welcome we are so glad to have you!
Lots of Love
Kim
Oh, Sara, I'm so glad you decided to post on here. I can't even describe how I felt when Eric started talking to me a bit about your fertility issues. It was as if the Spirit truly spoke to me and encouraged me to reach out. I'm so glad I did!
As I read your post, I couldn't help but think I probably could have written the exact same thing. I have felt all those same emotions, and struggled with feelings of anger, depression, jealousy, frustration, and exhaustion at looking at yet another month of failed hopes. I've noticed that I too tend to be more upset after reading others' blogs, and baby showers are something I definitely pick and choose. When we were first trying, I felt so much hope and excitement that I was eager to celebrate anything related to babies. But as the months dragged on, I became more and more bitter. It didn't help that most people just have no idea what to say, and usually end up saying the wrong thing (plus, different people probably want to hear different things).
Infertility is such an excruciating trial of faith. As I was reading my scriptures a few weeks ago, I was reading something related to the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham's faith had to extend past the "ok, Lord, I'll do this...but I know you'll really swoop in and rescue me from having to do this." Likewise, our faith has to extend past the "ok, Lord, I'll endure this, but only until you swoop in and make me pregnant...and hurry!" We have to face this trial with the kind of faith that allows us to accept the Lord's will, even if it means never achieving pregnancy in this life. Let me tell you, this is incredibly hard for me. I've always though that the hallmark, the crowing glory, of being a woman was being pregnant and giving birth. To admit to myself that I might never have that experience here is almost more than I can stand. But I'm sure trying.
When I get really sad (which, let's face it, happens pretty often), I try to keep my faith clinging to a small thread by thinking of what possible blessings could be coming from this trial. I wonder if my marriage would be as strong if we'd just gotten pregnant right away, or if I'd appreciate motherhood as much if it had come easily. I think outlets like this blog have strengthened me, sustained me, and built my testimony in a way I don't know would've existed without this trial. Perhaps I am learning to be more compassionate, more mindful of others, and better equipped to deal with others' joys in the face of my own disappointment.
It is my sincere hope and prayer that you will find solace, even just a little bit, through this blog. Don't feel bad about venting on here even if it seems negative. Sometimes you just need to get the negative out before you can start feeling anything positive, and I tend to think women who know what you're going through are a better sounding board than husbands (though they are amazing).
Know that I pray for you and Eric nightly, as I do for all the women on here, that we can be comforted and strengthened as we struggle to find out what the Lord's will is for us.
Love,
Hillary
Wow. Reading your post seriously took me back a few years to when was feeling the exact same emotions that you are feeling right now.
My big mistake was letting the anger just take over my life. I began blaming God instead of turning to him and it almost killed me. I remember that darkness so vividly and looking back now it is amazing to see just how deep I'd really let myself dig. Personally, it took a really great counselor to help me learn how to cope with everything.
What Hillary said is so true: Likewise, our faith has to extend past the "ok, Lord, I'll endure this, but only until you swoop in and make me pregnant...and hurry!" We have to face this trial with the kind of faith that allows us to accept the Lord's will, even if it means never achieving pregnancy in this life.
I finally got to a place where I was honestly okay with never having children and I was starting to make plans for my life that I was REALLY excited about. And I really could have been okay with being childless- even though I knew that some things (like certain holidays) would be tougher on me without kids.
We all know that this trial can be monumental, but whenever it ends (and it will eventually), and by whatever means, you WILL be a better person if you hold on to your faith.
Good luck with your IUI. I hope it is a huge success!
I have never commented on this blog but I have gained much comfort from reading it's postings. Sara, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Especially when they are less than positive! I can't tell you how many times I've struggled with friends' blogs or baby showers. I know these feelings are pretty typical among women struggling with infertility but I assumed that I should be able to overcome those feelings instantaneously. I mean, I am supposed to have faith right? These thoughts would compound the original problem and just make me feel worse! I have been trying for 2 years, only ovulated once in that time and obviously haven't had any success. I just had a HSG done this last week. Somehow, knowing that there are other women that have testimonies and are strong in the gospel also have a tough time dealing with the pain of not being able to bear children of your own, is such a relief! Such a relief! Thank you Thank you!
Sara,
Thanks for your post. I know first hand how awful it is to have people tell you it will happen. "Just relax" they say. And then once we adopted our son, the remarks shifted to something more like "You'll be pregnant any minute now!", and "You know what happens when you adopt?".
Yeah, it means I have a kid. Thanks for the clarification. Whatever would I do without your infinite wisdom?
I finally realized that people dish out these remarks because they honestly have no idea what to say, and yet they feel compelled to say something.
They want to be positive rather than saying something like "Wow. So... I guess it's not happening then? Sucks to be you. Oh well, now you can take endless vacations and serve a gazillion missions together. And as a bonus, you won't have to get all fat."
Yeah, that's my main concern here.
I've heard both versions over the years, and would prefer neither, but I still smile and allow the advice-giver to get it all off of their chest. Then I usually make a face at them inside of my head. Talk about therapeutic. My cynicism has saved me many a time.
The truth is that infertility is an excruciating trial that invokes such raw emotion within us, and despite our best efforts to control the situation and it's outcome, we are not steering this ship. It's all part of a bigger picture that we neither see nor comprehend. There is something bigger at work and though it is difficult to exercise faith, Faith is exactly what will see us through to the other side.
We're glad your here! Thanks for sharing your story and I hope that things go well for you.
Welcome Sara!
I swear when you are going through this "EVERYONE" seems pregnant. But in reality there are a lot of us that are thinking that?
And being in your job is like pouring salt into very deep wounds (I worked at a Childrens Hospital...its tough).
I am not going to shell out too much advice, as that is the last thing that you want right now. I will tell you, its hard and I totally feel your sorrow and pain. Sometimes you just want someone to verify that its real. Hang in there, and live life one day at a time, go to the temple lots, and set small "goals of happiness" for yourself. Mine were "if we are not pregnant by this date...we will go on an overnighter or a special place for dinner", or quality time with my mom, sisters, and friends.
If you choose the adoption route get involved with adoption programs like Families Supporting Adoption (or any local adoption council) NOW..dont wait...you need it now! When we were in the midst of our struggles we got involved in this great program. I met wonderful, amazing women! I realized that in some cases my "experience" was no different and in others nowhere as sad and terrible.
Keep your chin up! And welcome to the group!
PS As for how to start the adoption process talk with your Bishop. He will get you in touch with LDS family services if that is the agency you choose.
I had a friend who directed me to this blog because my husband and I have been dealing with our own issues of infertility. Thank you for your post! It has summed up my last 2 years perfectly! I am happy to have found a place where people can relate to the pain and frustation of infertility. Thank you for sharing and for everyone else for you thoughts and encouragement! I am excited to become a part of this blog!
I am also new to commenting on this blog. My husband and I have also been struggling with infertility for two years with seemingly no end in sight. Sara, I too feel your pain. It's totally lame.
My favorite piece of infertility wisdom I've received so far came when I was venting to a friend about how I wish I weren't so high strung and could just go with the flow - relax as people are wont to say. She said that being low-key vs. high-strung gets you through the first 6 months of trying. After that everyone is in the same boat. I loved that. I loved feeling that it's okay to get down and desperate sometimes.
I haven't gotten as far as you in the infertility process. My husband and I have had all the tests done (no problems) and I just started on Clomid. I feel the same way. Probably won't work, but I guess I'll give it a try.
I know I shouldn't obsess/stress over it, but it seems sometimes that I don't know how not to think about it (even if I am trying so hard to send myself positive vibes).
My faith and testimony of personal revelation has been stretched to what I think should be it's limit and I think the only thing that keeps me going to church and saying my prayers at times is all those years of buidling that foundation. So when the Savior asks "why are you still here," all I have to answer is "where else would I go?" Does that make sense? I don't know if this has helped you at all, but just writing this comment has been theraputic for me. Good luck. And as my sister-in-law, who tried for three years said, the longer you wait, the cuter the babies. I'm holding on to that.
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