IVF Let Down

So, we went in for our IVF consultation today to begin the IVF process. After going over everything with us, our doctor said he just wanted to do a quick ultrasound, then he'd prescribe me birth control pills to begin taking with my next cycle so they could take control and manipulate it with IVF medications. He was extremely positive and thought that given my age and Brian's sperm (despite its limitations and problems), our chances of achieving pregnancy would be really good.

Unfortunately, things didn't go so well with the ultrasound. My right ovary and uterus looked normal, as usual, but not so much with my left ovary. Last July when I had my last ultrasound, he noted what appeared to be a small endometrioma/cyst on my left ovary. But he said it was probably no big deal and it didn't matter since he could see eggs being produced in that ovary. Well today the first thing he said when looking at it was "Whoa!" The small cyst had tripled in size in just 7 months, going from the size of a raisin to the size of a strawberry (2 cm to 6 cm). Incidentally, over the past year, since my cycle has regulated to about 30 days, my period have become extra painful. I just figured I was being a wimp and it has just been too long since I'd had periods that frequently (before being on the birth control shot when I was a newlywed). But I guess there was/is a reason for the pain.

So, instead of starting right now on IVF, our doctor recommended laparascopic surgery to drain and cauterize the huge cyst. Then I have to take medications for 3 months while it heals before we can start IVF. I know this is for the best and all, but I guess I had just gotten my heart set on doing this in March, and now we have to wait until June. Why is this stuff so dang frustrating?!

I NEED TO VENT!!!

Can I just scream for all of us....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Really this whole trial of faith and patience is so frustrating. Most days I can deal with it but today I am not doing so good. I just want to freak out! I know that my problems are so small in comparison to what others go through but the load feels so heavy at times. I am always putting on a brave face and pretending that I am doing okay. Most the time I am but there is ALWAYS this hole in my heart. I ache for another child and wish so badly I had a little control over this area of my life. So what should I be doing? Is there more I could be doing? Is my best good enough? These are all questions I lye in bed and ask myself. It makes me so sad to think I could have a week old baby right now if our IVF had worked. But that would have just been to easy, right. Although I feel I have moved on from the let down of our failed IVF there is no moving on from the fact I want another child. My heart reminds me every day that something is missing. It is just so hard that I can't do a thing about it.. I know that in the end this will all make perfect sense but what do I do with this hole in my heart untill then? I tried shopping but that didn't even help.

What to do?????

.my hsg results.

i need your opinion ladies..

i had my hsg this morning and the test itself wasn't too bad. yes, some cramping, but tolerable. anyway, i'm kinda wondering what my results mean. i had my test done in the outpatient radiology dept by a PA..and so i don't have the official results. anyway, the pa was having a very hard time getting my right tube "open." yes, it did finally show dye as did the left tube but he said he used 13 ml of dye and the "normal" open hsg he usually uses 6 ml. maybe i'm being neurotic about this, but doesn't that seem like that may have been the problem??

i guess the good news is both my tubes are open and no apparent uterine abnormalities were found. but i'm thinking now maybe we should just "try" naturally for the next 3 months since maybe the problem is fixed.

what do you think?? still go to my RE appt in the next couple weeks, or wait and see what happens.

thanks, ash

Healthy BOUNDARIES

Today at lunch, I jumped on the emotional bandwagon today and got heated about appropriate boundaries. My intention is not to offend, so please forgive if i did, but to help me clarify for myself and maybe help others who has struggled with the issue of boundaries.

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is setting and maintaining of clear boundaries and expectations. The most intriguing part to me is how in theory (or on paper) they are so clear and easy to see, however in reality much harder to understand and difficult to maintain.

In my life I have struggled with boundary issues. Where are the lines? Who is drawing them? What feels right? Do they need to adjust? Why are they continually challenged?? And so on ...

There are great lessons here for us to learn in pondering what our bondaries are ... whether it be in balancing our marriages, working with co-workers, fulfilling our callings, supporting our extended family, associating with birth mothers and most importantly in raising our kids. This is what I have learned (thus far ... i am sure there is more learning opportunities to come!!)

I CANNOT TAKE ON:
BLAME/RESPONSIBILITY for the life others create
GUILT for not being able to change things – they created it, they are the only ones who can change it
Someone else’s PAIN – the only person who can truly do this is the Savior
DRAMA – I can’t ride the roller coaster ride with others when I am on my own ride
CHANGE - I can't change something I didn't create


WHAT I CAN OFFER:
LOVE – true appreciation, gratitude and heart felt love for others
ENCOURAGEMENT – help others remember and find their strengths and truths in life
EMPATHY – my tender heart hopes to recognizes and be sensitive to others sorrows
SHARED EXPERIENCES – connecting about life’s journeys and lessons learned
HOPE - we can create better lives when we have faith (faith in our Savior creates hope, possibilities and purpose when they may not otherwise be any.)

Now if I could only remember these lessons learned when discipling my kids, I would not take on the guilt or responsibility of their bad choices. I am working on this and hope in a couple years I will be better at keeping my boundaries clear and fortified.

If you have any recommendations for creating or maintaining boundaries, please share. Or if you have created your own set of limits and offerings. I am interested in learning.

Lots of love - addie

.an appt.

hey everyone..
it's me, ashley. i just wanted to say thanks for the advice to see an RE without wasting anymore time on the OB/GYN. i have successfully made an appointment with the RCC in sandy. it seems that most of you have either been there or recommend it. i'll be seeing one of the MDs there in a couple weeks after i get my HSG next week. if you guys have any specific advice or heads up about what to expect or what to take to the appt i would greatly appreciate it. thanks again.

love ash

Contributer list?

Not sure how the list of contributers became a link to our blogs? I just want to make sure no one has a problem with this? I don't mind but my blog is private. Let me know if you would like me to change it. From now on please ask me before you make changes like that. There is a lot of personal info on blogs and I don't want to expose anyone who wants to keep things private.
Thanks a ton!
-Kim

THANKS!

Hey Girls,

I just wanted to say thank you for all your stories and feed back. You are what makes this blog so wonderful. I am looking for a favor. I am wondering if any of your husbands would be willing to share. I know this is a hard thing for men to do but it would be so great to hear the husbands side of things. I think lots of times we forget how hard it is for them as well.

Thanks again for all of your support, I really feel we are such a strength to each other.

Lots of Love,
Kim

Unanswered Prayers

I just finished reading a book you MUST read, it is called When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Micheal Wilcox.

It is short and easy to follow ... and very profound! His main message is one of encourage and hope as we recognize how the Lord teaches us through his constant love. He sights wonderful scriptural examples to show how "God blesses us in our fourth watch", how he has made our "ships tight like a dish", how he "carves holding places in our hearts", "he only offers bread and fish never stones", "how he can make all the negative things in our life good", "how we can bring forth good fruit no matter where we are planted", and how "he will wipe away all the tears of our soul".

It is a fabulous book that has reminded me lately how our prayers only seem unanswered due to our limited perspectives. If we put our trust in God's plan of happiness, we will have joy.

Much love to my sisters of faith,
Addie