Monday, February 23, 2009

I NEED TO VENT!!!

Can I just scream for all of us....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Really this whole trial of faith and patience is so frustrating. Most days I can deal with it but today I am not doing so good. I just want to freak out! I know that my problems are so small in comparison to what others go through but the load feels so heavy at times. I am always putting on a brave face and pretending that I am doing okay. Most the time I am but there is ALWAYS this hole in my heart. I ache for another child and wish so badly I had a little control over this area of my life. So what should I be doing? Is there more I could be doing? Is my best good enough? These are all questions I lye in bed and ask myself. It makes me so sad to think I could have a week old baby right now if our IVF had worked. But that would have just been to easy, right. Although I feel I have moved on from the let down of our failed IVF there is no moving on from the fact I want another child. My heart reminds me every day that something is missing. It is just so hard that I can't do a thing about it.. I know that in the end this will all make perfect sense but what do I do with this hole in my heart untill then? I tried shopping but that didn't even help.

What to do?????

8 comments:

RaeAnn said...

Shopping didn't help? This is serious. Have you tried double-stuff OREOS? No really, I wish there were questions to those answers. I just feel like we should do what we can. If nothing is what we can do, than that is OK. When we can try again or something different, I think we should...if for no other reason than knowing we did our part.

Hillary said...

Oh Kim, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. It doesn't seem fair that someone who is obviously an incredible mother is struggling to have more.

As far as adoption stuff goes, have you ever read the blog The R House? It's my friend Lindsey's blog, and she is an incredible adoption advocate. She has tons of ideas of how to get your profile out there and make more people aware that you are hoping to adopt.

Please know you, like all the sisters on here, are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I have faith that someday we will all be able to understand why we had to struggle like this!

gabeandstef said...

Oh Kim I am so sorry. I was just thinking about you the other day. I think also this time of year is harder, because it is so cold out we arent as busy doing stuff so we tend to stay in more and think about what they are missing in life a little more than we would in the summer or another time of the year.(I hope that makes sense) But seriously you are ladies are all in my prayers and if you ever need anything let me know.

Jared,Tamara +Kylie Morgan said...

Maybe some ice cream therapy? I wish I had the answer. What I wouldn't give to have some control in bringing children to our family. Sometimes I get so mad that some families do, but of course we aren’t one of them. No lucky surprises for us either. It bites.

Dan and Stacy said...

Hey Kim,

I could tell something was up the last few times I had seen you. I hate that you have the same pain that I know all to well. Then on top of that we all get to see babies born into single teenage parent homes and raised by their grandparents. Life is so unfair. Kim, I hope you are able to receive some relief of your pain and that some peace comes to you soon. If you are unable to make it to ward temple night tomorrow I will put your name in at the Temple. If you need a day to just be sad let me know and I will take your boys and they can come and play with my girls. Lots of love.

Keri said...

My next post was going to be titled "AAHHHHhhh!", so I can empathize with how you've been feeling lately. I hope you can get through it with a little support from the girls here.

It's horrible when you're wanting to add to your family (again) and then suddenly remember that you have ZERO control. At least that's the worst part for me. It should be a choice, but due to circumstances beyond our control, it isn't (which basically means we have no say in the outcome).

Sure, we can try, but at the end of the day if the IVF doesn't work out, or if we wait in the adoption pool for years, there's really no plan C, or D, or E after that. (Well, we could steal a baby, but then there's the whole 'illegal' thing, and moral issues, and yada-yada-yada.) That's it.

I know the goal is to be happy with what we have now, it's just the whole 'how to achieve it' thing that leaves me clueless.

Good luck Kim. We love you.

LaNelle said...

I found this blog through therhouse and I just have to say that you are not alone! I have spent the past few weeks asking myself ALL of those questions (after 2 years of failed attempts, I finally got pregnant thanks to fertility treatments and had a miscarriage at 8 weeks...my baby was due last week) As much as I wish NO ONE had to go through this, it does help to know that I am not alone. YOU are not alone! And I am screaming with you right now!

Jon & Kim said...

Thank you so much for all of your support. It is really easy for me to give my support but hard to be on the recieving end. You are all so wonderful and have given me just what I needed to pick myself up and move on.
So my solution for now is Lagoon tickets for the whole family. A vacation that I can't wait for, a girls night out, a pakage from my online shopping spree, and a date with my hubby, That should do for a little while,.....right!!!????