Have any of you started down the infertility path but been unwilling to tell family members or friends about it? When we did treatments seven years ago we told most of our families and friends what we were doing and got tired of the constant "well-meaning" comments (i.e., "I know this will work" or "Are you pregnant yet?" or worst of all "I don't know what you're worried about" right before we found out that our baby had died.)
Well, some people close to us know that we've been to the RE, but I found out recently that some friends I'd rather leave in the dark actually read this blog (by linking through my blog - which I've now changed) so now I am hesitant to post ANYTHING for fear we'll start getting those well-meaning comments all over again.
Am I being silly, or have any of you felt like this?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Cautious
Posted by Beck at 7:14 PM
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7 comments:
We haven't either. We've told our closest friends, but no family and I've decided against mentioning it on our blog. Partly because I'm a more private person by nature, but really it's just hard for me to connect with them in that way. None of them have had any problems getting pregnant, no one has experienced a miscarriage. Nobody has had even an inkling of what it's like to yearn for a baby year after year.
I'm all for positive reinforcement and well wishing but I guess I'd just rather hear it from my closest friends or those that have actually experienced infertility.
I think it is just hard to show vulnerbility over and over and over again!!! At least for me that is what it comes down to. I hate being in the spot light and every body saying poor Kim and Jon. I totally understand why you don't want your family to know and I think you have the right to keep it private. I felt I had dragged them all through it once and that was enough. It is so helpful to have support from those who can truely understand what you are going through.
On the other hand I do have to say I was glad everyone knew our situation when our IVF failed. My family and friends are the ones who got me through that heart ache. It would have been hard for them to really understand my pain if they hadn't seen me go through the whole process. A lot of times I just want to pretend I can to it on my own, but really I can't. I think you have to tell those you know will be there for you.
I am all for keeping things private. Only a few people knew that we were looking into adoption until the sign on the window read "Its a Girl". Both times we got our girls, most people did not have a clue. Now, with that said and looking back on our two adoptions, I would have to agree with Kim. Our second adoption was a nightmare roller coaster for a week and it would have been really nice to have had some sort of support. Hind sight is always 20/20!!! You have to do what is best for you and your family. Do what feels best for YOU. Good luck!!!
i'm with kim in this situation. i guess maybe i'm not a very private person. don't get me wrong, i haven't told the whole world about our struggles with infertility, but it's nice that those that really care for us know about it, so when something doesn't work or we get our hearts broken again, we have people that want to go out to dinner and get our minds off of it. i guess i'm still very new to this so maybe as we struggle for longer my attitudes will change. but for now, i have lots of family support....no, they don't understand all that's going on and i can't use the infertility lingo that i do on here, but at least they still care. BUT, with that said, there is no RIGHT way to handle this..if you feel that it's best to keep things private, then that's what's right for you! good luck!
I am also a very private person. I've only told my parents, and I actually regretted doing it. Not because my mother isn't supportive, she is, but she just doesn't understand it. And it makes it even harder for me when she says things that are insensitive. Because, in my mind, I feel like she should be one of the few people in my life who should not be insensitive. But, at the same time, it's not her fault. She's just being herself and she's not trying to say awkward things. So, for me, I think it would have been better to keep these things private. I feel like having my husband is enough support for me. But, everyone is different, and there's definitely not one right way to go about it. But, for these reasons, I think it's good to be cautious, because once you tell, you can't take it back.
On the other hand, we are adopting, and we have been very open about it. We have been encouraged to do so to find our birth mother, and I think it has helped just because it's not this big secret anymore. I haven't gone into details with people about our issues, and I won't be doing that. (I've had to teach myself how to field questions, because people do ask them!) But, most people assume that we can't have children, and that doesn't bother me.
The unfortunate thing, I think, is that there will always be pity and rude questions/comments forever. I think the best way to prepare to handle them, and that's what I've been trying to focus on.
We have left our fertility treatment decisions quiet and decided to not share with anyone. (except for this blog , of course!) We just decided that either way (if it worked or didn't) they'd still find out eventually if we became pregnant and if we still weren't pregnant, they wouldn't know the wiser. It helped a lot because all of those frustrating comments seemed brutal. "It will happen for you" "just relax. forget about it and it will happen" have you ever tried forgetting about something when you have to count the days and take pills and shot?! Anyway, it really helped us to keep it to ourselves and the input i got from this blog was all the advice I needed and from people who actually understand.
Glad you're back! My answer is - yes, yes, and Yes! This blog is probably the most bold that I've been as far as expression about infertility. Some people really need and want the support from family and friends so they choose to allow them to be a part of the experience.
Me... not so much. I know it sounds harsh, and I'm doing much better with age, but my Hubby and I like to go it alone and keep things to ourselves. I suppose the positive aspect is that we have an incredible relationship.
It's different for everyone, no right or wrong way.
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