.need help.

hey girls.

i know most of you don't really post much on this sight, but i'm hoping that you're still checking it a little. we just found out our 2nd attempt at ivf failed like the 1st one did. we are officially done with ivf for now and are moving to adoption. we would LOVE some tips, pointers, and advice as to where and how to begin the process. i think we're set on lds family services...but are open to stories about other agencies. thanks so much.

ash

Just a Head Up

I haven't shared a ton about my story because by the time this blog started I had two newborns and infertility was the last thing on my mind! I would like to let you guys know about my doctor.

I went to Dr. Larry Andrew in Springville, Utah. We had some friends that recommended him and we were moving to Payson so we thought we'd give him a try. We had previously tried for four years and had done 6 IUIs. From the minute we went into his office he diagnosed me and my husband more quickly and correctly than any other doctor. He was very organized, clear, and was straight about our options. He had a great course of action and explained things very clearly. He had everything he needed in his office to do IVF and ICSI. His embryologist was great. The only thing they didn't offer at the time was the ability to freeze and store eggs, but he had a colleague that would do that for you.

We decided to do IVF with him because of his knowledge and his price was so great. It was $10,000. Our first cycle went well and we got pregnant only to find it was ectopic. Sadly, we had to miscarry. We moved onto adoption because our first boy was adopted and it was cheaper. Because we had met our deductible that year we decided to do a laparoscopy to see how severe my endometriosis was. It was something I hadn't wanted to do in the past because I hated the thought of spending the money, going into surgery, and then them saying, "You are just fine!"

A month after my surgery we heard from a friend that Dr. Andrew was doing a cheaper procedure where instead of using all the injections, blood draws, and ultra sounds which make the IVF so expensive he was doing a clomid IVF. It was only $3000. We asked him if we were good candidates and he said yes. So you basically go on clomid like you would for an IUI. When it was time you get an ultra sound and if all looks good you do an egg retrieval, 3-5 days for the egg, then the transfer. If it doesn't look good you are only out the cost of the clomid. It worked for us and we now have our Brynn. We paid an extra for $500 for ICSI both times. Although I have several factors in my infertility our main thing was we need the joining of the egg and sperm. Doing this clomid IVF was just what we needed.

While going through this procedure we found out Dr. Andrew was going through some legal battles. He was charged with forcible sex abuse from 8 patients. We had a struggle trying to decide if we wanted to continue with him. After a lot of praying we just made sure someone was always in the room with me, as well as a nurse, and figured he would not do anything while going to trial soon. We also had a really hard time believing he would do anything like that. He ended up going to jail for a year and was released and was able to practice family medicine. We just found out starting December he will be able to practice infertility again.

His new prices are $4,500 for clomid IVF (I'm not sure what he calls it) and $6,500 for IVF. ICSI is still an additional $500. The reason I tell you guys all this is he may be right for you. I know it sounds crazy to go to someone after hearing all that but I just wanted you to know about this option. I truly think he has a gift for treating infertile patients. I also know the desperation that you feel when you want children so badly. I just know that he is competent and that if we want another child we will go to him. His office number is 801-794-3670. Feel free to ask me any questions or if you look him up on google you can read some articles on ksl about his trial. I get that this could sound crazy to you but I just wanted everyone to have another option available. Good luck!

.reproductive care center vs. SIRM.

hey ladies.

i need to know if any of you have done ivf cycles with dr. blaur or heiner at reproductive care center.? and what your experience was like.

and, has anyone looked into SIRM in Las Vegas.. i've heard such good things about them and they have money back guarantees with all ivf cycles (even if you're just doing one).



thanks

ash

.i guess i'm the only one here.

well, i guess i'll just keep getting up on this soap box... and everyone can listen.. today was, by far, the worst day of my life. (sort of an exaggeration) but my dr. just called and told me that ZERO of our eggs fertilized. they believe it is an enzyme/receptor problem in which we will need icsi for. if that even works at all. dr richards doesn't have icsi here because they like to keep the costs down and not purchase the big equiptment.

anyway, this $9500 is down the toilet, and if we want to try again we'll have to travel to LA to have icsi done.

i'm just sad.

well, not such fabulous news here. i had my scan last monday and they said i only had like 4 follicles that would be ready in time for ER. they upped my dose of meds and i had another scan today. only 5. for my age, they say that i may be someone that has diminished ovarian reserve.. not what i wanted to hear, but at LEAST that's some sort of diagnosis, and i'm not crazy for trying ivf. we are still on for monday ER, but we will not have NEARLY as many eggies as we had planned. i'd love for one or two to be great...but i'm cautiously hopeful. going to the temple to pray about it tomorrow, but just wanted to say thanks again.

anyone have problems with ovarian response or reserve??

.we're doin' it.

IVF that is.

my hubby and i have prayed and prayed about it, and we finally decided to do it. it's been a scary realization that this may not work even after the money is gone. but that's the least of my worries. i'm happy that we're almost to our retreival date. it's been a long haul with all sorts of emotions involved. i LOVE the drs we're seeing, they are one in a million...and brilliant.

anyway, just wanted to say thanks for all the support. our retrieval date is going to probably be next monday the 21st. but we'll see. i have been on bcps, lupron, bravelle, and menopur. i go in for a follicle scan and bw tomorrow. best of luck to everyone on thier journey. if this doesn't work, we're moving onto adoption. thanks again.

ash

The Story Of Lia....

So I am finally getting around to telling the story of Lia. As most of you know we have two boys that we have been blessed with through adoption. We put papers in for the first time after years of fertility and in Jan. of 2003 we received our first miracle (Cade) in August of 2003. We were so happy we didn’t have to wait forever like we thought we would. We decided to put our papers back in Dec. 2004 knowing that it could take a long time to get a second. We were chosen Nov. 2005 and received our second miracle (Jake) Feb. 2006. We felt so blessed to have two boys only 2 ½ years apart and knew it was truly a miracle to have our family. Jon and I always felt that we should adopt two and then maybe look into doing IVF. So that is what we did. In Dec. 2007 we made the huge decision to do IVF. It was NOT easy to open that door again but we met with our Dr. in Feb. 2008 and did our IVF April-June 2008. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and the result was heartbreaking for us and our families. It was not easy to open our hearts to fertility again and to fail once again was almost more than I could bare. I remember sitting on the couch the day we found out it didn’t work feeling sad and confused but at the same time an incredible amount of peace. I felt in my heart that the Lord had a reason for our IVF not working. Over the next year we tried to move on but a piece of me felt lost. No matter what I did I could not fill the void I felt in my life. I felt so alone and betrayed and wondered why I had to endure another heartbreaking experience with infertility. All I ever wanted was a family and it did not feel fare that I could not have what others seemed to have so easily. Although I was EXTREMELY grateful to have my boys my family felt incomplete. As hard as I tried to have faith and move forward my heart ached. It really took me a long time to pull myself together. I couldn't understand Heavenly Fathers plan and wondered why he had promised me another child if it wasn't really meant to be. I tried to tell myself "maybe in the next life"? But I wasn't asking about the next life I was asking about now!!! Finally after LOTS of soul searching, prayer, family support and faith in Heavenly Father I was able to be content with the void I felt. I came to accept Heavenly Fathers plan for me and believed in him again. I knew that somehow some way Heavenly Father would fulfill his promise of another child. I had put myself out there and had done all I could do the rest was up to him. We had put our papers in for adoption through LDS family services in Nov. 2008 but felt that it would take years if it ever happened at all. I really never thought in a million years we would be chosen again. We told everyone we knew we were hoping to adopt. We put together an adoption blog and had all our friends and family put the link on their blog hoping that somehow some way the right person would find us. We planned on waiting a long time and just felt blessed to have our boys. One afternoon I got a phone call from our case worker telling us there was a Birth Mother in the hospital with pre-term labor at 27 weeks. She asked if we were okay with them showing our file to her. Of course we said YES. I couldn’t get the situation off of my mind. They had told us it was a girl and that was really exciting to think we could have a little girl. I tried not to think about it too much realizing we were only one of the couples being shown to her. I was in Target and couldn’t help but take a look at all the cute girl stuff. Before I knew it my whole cart was full. I hurried and bought it all before I could talk myself out of it. When I got home I couldn’t believe what I had done and quickly put it away in the closet and told myself I would take it back. Well a week later we heard from our case worker again and this time she had GREAT news. She told us that the Birth Mother had looked through all the files and wanted to meet with only us. She felt a strong connection with us but wanted to meet with us in person before she announced she had chosen us. So we met with them that Sat. The meeting we had with her and Lia’s Birth Father was amazing!!!! From the second we walked into the room we felt the spirit so strong and knew without a doubt this was right. We knew her and the Birth Father felt it too. The next day was Mothers Day and when we got home from church we got an email from them asking us to call. So I called Amanda wondering and hoping for the best. She first told me Happy Mother’s Day and then went on to tell me that she had prayed about us again after our meeting and that her and Jason both knew without a doubt this baby was ours. She expressed how she had always known that the baby was meant for someone else but didn’t know how on earth she could place her. She said she knew the second she found us that this was Heavenly Fathers plan. All I could do was cry and give Jon thumbs up. We talked for just a minute and then hung up the phone. Jon and I just kind of sat there in disbelief knowing how wonderful this news was and what it meant for our little family. We quickly called our families and told them all the good news. Everyone was so excited for us and I couldn’t have received a more wonderful Mothers Day gift. So many of my Mothers Days in the past were filled with sorrow and to have such wonderful news on that day meant the world to me. Amanda was able to go home from the hospital on bead rest for the next several weeks. Over that time we developed and very sweet relationship. She has three children of her own so we had a different connection both being mothers. The weeks following were not easy and there were lots of ups and downs but Amanda was so strong through it all. How she did it being on bed rest with three children I will never know, but she did it. She was scheduled to have a C-section on the 10th of July. Her plan was to have us there for the birth and then spend four days in the hospital and take her home for two days making placement July 17th. So we were counting down the weeks and doing all we could do to support her. Wed. June 24th we got a phone call telling us that our little Lia was born. Amanda had gone in for a check up and was sent right to the hospital for an emergency C-section. So we were not able to be at the birth which was sad, but all that mattered is that Amanda and Lia were okay. That Sunday they were discharged and she called to tell us that because she was not able to spend time with her she was going to take her home for a week. We did the only thing we could do and told her that sounded great and that we supported her. We really did support her decision because we love her but it was NOT easy for us. Amanda was so sweet and called us several times to reassure us she was not going to change her mind. I don't know how she was able to give us so much love and support durring that week but she was so good to us. She is truley such an amazing, sweet, courageous person. We met that next Monday and she placed her sweet baby girl in our arms. It was the most amazing day of our lives knowing she was the missing peace and that now our family was complete!!! I know it was the hardest thing Amanda will ever do and through it all she had such a peace about her. She is truly the most courageous woman I have ever known. She knows what it means to be Mother and knew what she was giving up. It was an emotional day but a spiritual day. I can’t describe the peace we all felt knowing without a doubt this was the Lords plan all along. I realized why our IVF didn’t work and WHY we had to endure such heart break, it was to bring Lia into our family. It all made perfect sense!!!! Since that day I have not stopped smiling or thanking my Heavenly Father for this amazing miracle. Most of all I feel humbled and honored to be a part of such an amazing process. Never did we think it was possible to adopt three children all through LDS family services, but here we are. I know there are so many asking how in the world are they so lucky? I really don’t know the answere, but I can say Jon and I have done EVERYTHING in our power to have a family. It has not been easy and we have had to do things we didn’t want to do and have had to put ourselves out there in every possible way. It has been a hard long road but the blessings have been amazing. I wouldn’t trade what we have been through. It has not only brought us our family but it has taught us so much, made our faith grow and shaped us into the people we are today. My hope and prayer is that the same can happen for each of you. The peace and happiness I feel right now is indescribable. Our family is complete and my heart is full. I know you all can imagine how good that feels. I know that I have many more lessons to learn and that my trials are not over, but my sweet babies are here and right now that is all that matters. I hope more than anything that all of you realize and know that it can happen to you too and to never give up on that. Have faith and know your miracle will come. The Lord has a plan for each of us and all he asks of us is to do our part and trust in him!!!!

On another note I have been so busy with my sweet baby that I have totally neglected the SOS!!! I still want this to be a sounding board for all of those who need to be heard and Validated. I think we have all been busy with summer and other things but I hope we can pick back up and make this blog GREAT. So many need our love and support and I hope that they can find it here. I have chosen not to go private hoping to reach out to as many people as possible. I need your help, PLEASE help me keep this going. I would love an update on all of you and what you have been up to. Thanks for all the support you have given me durring a time I needed it most. LOVE YOU ALL!!!


Thanks for reading my story I hope it might help some of you and give you the hope and strength to move forward.
Lots of Love, Kim

first digital scrap!!!!

.ivf - sooner or later.

well ladies. how've ya been? well my hubby and i had talked about waiting til january to start ivf, but we have recently felt that maybe sooner is better than later. i believe that we will be starting our first ivf cycle in november with the American Fork MD. i wrote about him and his fab success rates a few months ago. well i just had my cousin finish her first cycle with him, and they found out tonight that she is pregnant, with very high hcg levels (maybe twins?)! their success rate this group is 14 of the 15 ladies got pregnant! it just makes waiting that much harder. i'm looking forward to doing it. it is, at least, our best chance of getting pregnant, so the hope is nice for a change. i have had nothing but good things to say about these drs and if anyone would like more info, let me know. plus, they keep the costs very reasonable compared to their competitors. thanks for listening.

GOING PRIVATE

Okay girls here is the deal,

We have had some crazy people looking at this blog and it is making me feel very uncomfortable. We all have very personal information on here and it make me nervous to think anyone could read it. So I have made it so only we as authors can view this blog. It makes me sad because I would love for more people to be able to view it. In today's world we can not be too trusting. Besides I want this to be a place that we can share our feelings with out having to defend our selves. Please keep spreading the word and if someone would like an invite have them contact me at kim.jon@hotmail.com.

On another note I wanted to let you all know that we have had the AMAZING opportunity of adopting a baby girl. For those of you who don't know we adopted our two boys, did IVF last June that did not work, put our papers in realizing it would take years and hear we are 6 months after approval with a sweet baby girl. When I have more time I will post the whole story. As of right now I am sleep deprived, busy with three kids, still adjusting and LOVING every minute of it. Love you all and hope you know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

INTRODUCING OUR SWEET Lia Diane

Again thanks to all those who make this blog so wonderful. I started it but you keep it going and for that I am sooooo grateful. Let me know what you all think about going private. I really do think it will be better for us all!

Lots of Love, Kim

.joy.

hello ladies.
these past few months have been the months of confusion for my hubby and i. we have been dealing with the infamous decision of ivf vs. adoption vs. just waiting. needless to say, it has been torture. it's such a hard choice because it involves so much emotion and obviously money. we have had a hard time feeling like there is ONE right choice and we are lost as to what heavenly father wants us to do. as we fast and pray for answers, we are empowered by the fact that heavenly father doesn't want us to be sad. i had a eye-opening lesson in RS today, it was on joy. the lesson focused on having joy despite our trials and tribulations. as it seems SO hard to find joy in anything when you've been faced with the ugliness of infertility, i'm stregthened by the fact that i have so much to be thankful for, such as, my husband (he is my rock), the best family, great friends, and most importantly my heavenly father, who truly has a plan of happiness tailored just for me. i may find it hard to feel happy every day, but i know that i am so blessed to have what i do have. i know i will be a mother. i just don't know how or when. but i will. thanks so much for this awesome support group. love you. ashley owens

Progesterone

Hey I am starting progesterone this week -- I have heard from my doc and the home health pharmacist that they are horrible! Is this true? Any suggestions on how to make them less so?

Round Four

Yes, that's correct ladies - we are now on round 4 of our Femara + IUI, which means that I've now had three different opportunities to bite my fingernails into oblivion waiting for the 3-minute "pee-stick" results that I dread.

All negative.  And made especially worse on round 2 when the RE said, "I'll be really surprised if you don't get pregnant this month."  UGH.

When we went in Friday afternoon for a follicle check, things looked good- yet again- but when he told me that he couldn't figure out why it hadn't worked yet, I said something to the effect that this was why we won't do IVF (if nothing is implanting during these treatments, why spend $10,000 to make sure that a fertilized ball of cells snubs my uterus?).   That sparked quite the conversation and I walked out thinking that maybe trying IVF wouldn't be such bad idea after all - even though DH and I had decided long ago that adoption was a better option for us.

I hate infertility because of the doubt that it relentlessly drips into my life, especially the doubt in my ability to receive answers to prayers.

Three cycles down, three to go, and then at least this part is over...

Unfortunately, if these treatments fail, it means that we'll face another decision: Do we attempt IVF or try for another adoption?

Can't we ever have any easy answers?

How Kiera came to our family!!

I have not put a post on here for a long time and finally after two years I sat down and wrote Kiera's adoption story. It has taken along time to be able to do this. There were so many emotions involved with Kiera's adoption that every time I tried to write this I could never get it out. So finally I have it on record.

We found out that we had been chosen by Kiera's birth mother Emily on April 17, 2007 and that she was having a girl on June 9th. Dan and I were so excited to have another little girl. We met Emily and her parents and three brothers at a face to face meeting on April 20th, 2007 it was amazing and awesome and scary and spiritual. Emily was a cute little tiny 18 year old girl who was trying to make the very best decision for her unborn child. After meeting with Emily and her family for two hours, her case worker came in and told us that Nathan (the birth father) was in the lobby DEMANDING to see Emily and us, but her parents could not be there. Just to clarify....Emily wanted nothing more to do with Nathan but Nathan was bound and determined to still "HAVE" Emily. So after Emily agreed, we got to meet Nathan. Unlike Emily, he was angry and hostile and rude, not to mention he seemed unable to use any words that contained more than four letters. After meeting with Nathan for an hour he decided that he wanted to meet with just Dan and I. So we took him to Lone Star for a steak dinner. Still very hostile and angry he asked questions about both Dan and I and our back grounds. He wanted to make sure we were good enough to be parents. Now this is really funny because he himself had been in jail quite a few times for drugs, gang stuff and the list goes on and on, and at the time was on probation. But like the nice people that we are we humored him and told him our back grounds. After we told him about us he looked Dan straight in the eye and called him a sissy!!! I guess graduating from high school and college, serving a mission, and being married in the Temple are not too cool. Oh well. We left Lone Star feeling a bit uneasy because of his back ground (that he felt free to share with us), but it is what we go through to get our little angels to our family. After our face to face meeting with both Emily and Nathan we e-mailed back and forth with Emily for a couple of weeks getting to know each other and our respective families. The Saturday before mothers day is national Birth Mothers Day and so we decided to take some flowers to Emily. When we got to the agency to drop off the flowers, Emily and her parents were walking out. It was fun to see them but Emily looked like she had been drug through the mud. She tried her best to reassure us that she was fine and that life was good but we could tell that something was up. Needless to say all kinds of things were running through our head that weekend and on Sunday night we got an e-mail from Emily saying she wanted us to meet with her and her family on Monday for some ice cream so they could meet Kya. We agreed to meet with them the next evening and hoped for the best. When Emily got there she walked up to me and gave me a hug and you could tell that she had something to tell us and she was a bit nervous. Well after all the pleasantries and meeting Kya and trying to get her to talk to them (ha ha), Emily finally told us what had been happening the past week. Nathan (the birth father) had decided that he was going to fight the adoption plan so he could have sole custody of the baby!! He had gone to see a lawyer (which we later found out was only a person who worked at a law office and was not an actual lawyer), threatened Emily in person, by text, and by letter, was stalking Emily at work where he was thrown out by a co-worker once and another time taken by the police, threatened her three little brothers on their way to school, left a death treat for her Dad on his car, and here's the kicker if that is not enough.....promised to hunt Dan down and kick the @#$% out of him until he was DEAD. This was a text that was sent to Emily and thankfully she is a smart girl who saved the text and letters and gave them all to the police when she got a restraining order against Nathan. Poor Emily she had spent the last week talking to a lot of people including the police, a lawyer, her birth parent caseworker, and the head of LDS Family Services about Nathan. No wonder she was so upset. She kept telling us over and over how sorry she was that we were being drug through all of this Nathan mess and she wished that we did not have to deal with him. I felt so bad for Emily, yet through all of this, she was still set to go through with her adoption plan. Two days later our case worker called and told us that Nathan went into the agency and signed his relinquishment papers and that he was done fighting with Emily. Hip Hip Hooray!!! We are done with Nathan...at least that is what we thought at that time. Well things kind of slowed down after all of this for about three days. We got a phone call from Emily on Saturday the 19th that she and her mom thought that she was in labor. They just wanted us to know so that when it was time to go to the hospital we would be ready. Dan, Kya, and I were all packed and ready to go to Chicago on the 21st with our plane tickets in hand. After Dan hung up the phone with Emily, Dan called his boss and told him what was going on and that he would not be able to go to Chicago that week. I was on the phone with the airlines canceling our flights and we were all running around crazy excited. Wow we were going to have our baby soon!!!!!!!!!! That same night Emily called us and told us she had been talking with her doctor and that she was going to try and sleep at home and maybe the contractions would stop or slow down. Emily's due date was still three weeks away so her doctor did not seem to think that she would go that early. Emily did make it through the night but called us at 8:45 am and told us that she was going down to the hospital and asked us to meet her there. We dropped everything and went to the hospital. Kya was dropped off at grandma's house on the way. When we were at the hospital, we got to hear Kiera's heart beat on the monitor and watch the monitor every time Emily had a contraction. It was all very exciting and something that I never thought I would get to do....I heard my baby's heart beat and saw her in the ultrasound. I was very emotional but managed to hold it together :). After five hours at the hospital the nurses did not think that Emily's contractions were progressing enough to keep her at the hospital. They had been three minutes apart for the last eight hours and she had not dilated any in the time she was at the hospital. They gave her a shot for the pain and said if you are in true labor then we will see you back soon, if you are not this shot will stop the contractions and we will see you in a few weeks. We walked out the door with Emily at 2:00 pm and she promised to call if and when anything happened. We got our phone call from Emily at 6:00 pm that same night and she was heading back down to the hospital with more intense and painful contractions. So off we went again. When we got down there, Emily told us that they had already checked her and that she had dilated 2 cm so she was on her way!!!!! When we all got settled in Emily asked if we wanted to come and watch Kiera being born. I thought that would be awesome. Dan on the other hand was about ready to pass out. He did say yes to her and then she asked him to cut the umbilical cord. I seriously thought he was going to go down for the count. The color actually drained from his face and he had to sit down for that. Luckily, Emily's mom saw all of this too and she interrupted Emily with a question to give Dan a minute to compose himself. Surprisingly he said that he would do it. We hung out all evening with her and her family and met some friends and we just had a grand old time. At 10:30 pm the resident OB/GYN came in and said that they thought there was a problem and that they were going to do another ultrasound. They found out that Kiera was in the breech position and coming butt first. They then prepared Emily for an Emergency C-section. They gave her a few minutes to wrap her head around this and to receive a blessing from her dad and Dan and away she went. I have never seen a more relieved man than Dan knowing that he would not have to cut the umbilical cord. I on the other hand was a bit sad that I was not going to be able to watch Kiera being born. Kiera was born at 11:45 pm and was 6 lbs. 11 oz. Emily's mom got to hold her right after she was born while they stitched Emily up. As soon as Kiera was cleaned and taken care of the nurse brought her into Emily's room and walked over to me and said that Emily wanted me to hold her first and to feed her her first bottle.

WOW was all I could think to say and then there I was holding my sweet little Kiera just minutes after she was born and feeding her. What a moment. Between my tears and all the camera flashes I don't think I even saw Kiera, but I most assuredly felt her in my arms.
We left the hospital about 1:30 am and drove home with huge smiles on our faces. We were floating on cloud 9. We picked Kya up at my mom's house and tried to sleep the rest of the night. The next morning Emily called and asked us to come back down to the hospital and to bring Kya with us so that she could meet her new sister.

We got to the hospital around 1:00 pm and had a really great time. It was awesome. The nurses were all so great and supportive of the situation and handled the awkwardness of walking into the room and looking between Emily and myself not knowing who to call MOM!!!! I just need to interject here with a bit on Emily's mom Janice. She was always calling Dan and I the mom and dad. She never encouraged Emily to call herself mom, and she never let the nurses call her mom. Janice was absolutely the solid foundation that Emily needed. Well the day was perfect until Emily's case worker walked in at 7:00 pm and had the most horrified look on her face. Emily's first question was "What did Nathan do?" The case worker told us that at 4:55 pm Nathan went and signed the putative fathers registry, which means that he is fighting for custody. We were all horrified, but Emily's mom and dad just about went through the roof. Poor Emily just sat there in the hospital bed with tears running down her face. Dan was holding Kiera and I looked at him and I could see the same sinking feeling that I was feeling. The first thing I thought was " what am I going to do...I love this baby already and she is mine" I politely excused myself from the room and walked as fast as I could away from that room because I could feel myself losing control of my emotions. I could not stop the tears and I knew for sure that I did not want Emily feeling even worse. After I regained my composure and knew for sure that I was not going to loose my lunch again I called our case worker and she told me that they already knew what was going on and that they were working on a plan of action. She and her boss wanted Dan and I to come into the agency the next day and meet with them. I finally went back into Emily's room and Dan was not looking so good so I took Kiera from him and he walked out for a minute. Finally Janice (Emily's mom) asked if it would be ok if a nurse came and took Kiera back to the nursery so that she did not have to be in there with all the tension. We agreed that was a good idea. Emily's dad called a friend that was a lawyer and he told him that Nathan didn't have a leg to stand on but it might be a good idea to find a lawyer who specializes in adoptions and talk with them. We left the hospital at 8:00 pm and drove home. It was the longest drive of my life. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep and forget about stupid Nathan. All the way home Kya kept asking us when is my sister coming home, I want her to sleep in my room with me and play with my toys, I love my sister she is so cute. I cried the entire ride home my heart was breaking because we did not know what was going to happen with Kiera and now Kya was emotionally connected to Kiera and how do you explain to a three year old that she may or may not have a sister. Well the next morning came and Dan and I were like zombies. We moved but said little, we breathed but just barley. This next part I hate to admit but Kya pretty much took care of herself. She got up and dressed herself, she would get in the pantry and snack on all the snack foods we had bought to take to Chicago when ever she was hungry. Lucky for us, she is great at self entertaining. At 10:00 am we went to the agency and met with our case worker, the head adoption worker, the agency director and the Utah director for LDS Family services. While we were there we consulted with two of Utah's top adoption Lawyers as well as the churches adoption lawyer. What a draining four hour meeting. We were told everything from "everything will be fine" to "it may take a few months to work this out so Kiera will go to a really great foster home until we can work it out" to "Emily may just have to keep and be a single parent". We left that meeting with a the worse case of fear and anger I have ever felt in my life. We went and picked up Kya and to this day I can not remember who she stayed with. Really we are not bad parents, we were just so distraught and had a hard time functioning. We went about the rest of that day just sitting on the couch and walking around our house occasionally. We did not even watch TV which is a big deal at our house because that was around the time that American Idol was closing in on the finale. We all went to bed early with so much dread that another day was on the horizon. We were told that we could not call Emily or the nurses to check on Kiera. We loved Kiera so much and we could not call to make sure she was doing ok. We just felt like our entire world was spinning out of our control. That next morning (Wednesday) at 7:15 am Emily called and told us that Nathan called her a 5:00 am and told her that he would sign the relinquishment papers again but it had to be today and she had to be there. She was so excited but nervous because Nathan is a BIG FAT LIAR. We called our case worker and she said that she would check things out and let us know. At 10:00 am our case worker called and told us that Nathan had promised to sign at 1:00 pm and we were to be there at the agency at 2:00 pm. Emily also wanted to sign her papers and be done with Nathan. We were excited but leery. We got to the agency and low and behold....Nathan had come in to sign his papers but got violently angry and left because Emily would not see him without her Dad present. Can you blame her? They called Nathan on his phone and talked with him and listened to him for a half an hour and he finally agreed to come back in a sign the papers on two conditions. One-Emily had to give him back all the stuff he had ever given her, and two-Emily had to meet with him but only her mom could be in the room but she could not look at him (what a dork). So Emily agreed to those stipulations and the race was on. Having had a C-section only one day earlier she was quite pale and not doing so good. She had to have special permission to leave the hospital so early any way. Oh well she was willing to jump through hoops to get Nathan out of the picture. At 4:00 pm Emily was back with all of Nathan's "Junk" and he rolled in about 4:45 pm. Now all Emily had to do was talk to him and he would sign his papers. Well Emily walked in with her mom and the first thing Nathan tried to do was convince her that she was being manipulated by Dan and I and the agency case workers just to get his baby and that he was not going to give up with out a fight. Emily got so upset and her mom just went off on Nathan. Again Nathan stormed out of the agency with promises to get a lawyer. This time the agency director followed him to his car and talked with him for a while and calmed him down. Nathan finally told the director that he wanted to sign the papers and that he needed to hurry because if he had not done it by 7:00 pm he was going to be arrested. Someone (and he would not say who) had called the police and gave him a run down on all the different things that Nathan had done and that an arrest warrant was out on him. He had until 7:00 pm and then they were going to tell the police where to find him. By this time it was 6:30 pm and the director did not care why he just ushered Nathan back to his office and gave him the papers and he signed them. Hooray!!!! After he signed them he said he had a letter and a necklace that he wanted to give to Dan for Kiera. They walked Nathan into our room and he walked over to us and gave the stuff to Dan and was out the door by 6:45 pm. After he was done, they told Emily what had happened and she told them that she wanted to sign her papers too. They were concerned about her being on pain meds (because there are laws against signing relinquishment's on medication), and she told them that she had not taken any pain meds since Tuesday night. She had gone through this whole ordeal on Ibuprofen just in case Nathan really followed through. She wanted to be clear minded so she could sign her papers too. Now that is what I call a true sacrifice. Emily signed her papers and then after she was done the agency director came in to were we had been sitting with our case worker and told us that it was all a done deal and we finally could see OUR baby and Emily, but that Emily was going to go to a hotel tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night with Kiera so that she could have some quality time without any threats or chaos. They planned for a placement on Friday at 10:00 am at the agency. Current time....7:30 pm. We had been sitting in a room at LDS family services for five and a half hours. Emily came in and was so pale and so sick that she could not walk without help from her Dad. Her mom came over and gave me Kiera and we got to hold her and talk with Emily for a little bit. Then at 8:30 pm we left one more time without Kiera, but knew she was ours now. The only thing possible that could go wrong now, was if Emily decided to run away with her. Not likely to happen, but with everything that we had already been through it was lingering at the back of my mind. The next day was spent doing things to keep our minds busy. Dan got up real early and went golfing to keep his mind from wandering...Kya and I went and got mom and daughter manicures and pedicures.

It was so much fun to do that with Kya. After we finished up with those we got home and Dan was there so we packed up and went to the park for the afternoon.
When it was time to go home we stayed busy by getting Emily some gifts for the next day. I was having a bit of anxiety that we had not heard anything for an entire day so I called our case worker and she reassured me that we were still on for tomorrow at 10:00 am. The next morning I was up at 5:00 am and got ready and was out the door by 6:00 am. I went to wal-mart to walk around and get some last minute gifts for Emily. Our case worker called my cell phone while I was in wal-mart and when I saw who was calling I started shaking and just burst into tears. Why would she call me at 7:00 am? My mind was racing. I physically could not answer the phone. I hurried and bought my stuff and left for home. I was driving down our street when Dan called (I could not answer the phone then either). When I walked in the house Dan told me that our case worker had called and that they wanted to push the placement to 11:00 am. I guess what happened was Kiera did not sleep well but was finally sleeping and Emily's mom did not want to wake her so that she could get a few hours of sleep. Emily did not sleep the entire night and was finally sleeping too. OK I can deal with that. NO worries right? Kiera's placement went off without a hitch and it was so awesome yet very emotional.
Finally we brought our baby home and we got to have our happy excited I can't stop smiling moment!!!!!!!

Hello Sister!!

And they lived happily ever after....I wish!! We heard from Nathan many many more times in the next nine months following Kiera's placement. He would threaten to talk to a lawyer, he would threaten Dan and I, he continued to threatened and stalk Emily but in the end he never had a leg to stand on. And so now......WE LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!!!!!!!

Update

I just realized I hadn't updated on here in quite a while. I've been keeping track of everything on my own blog, but in case anyone was wondering:

After 14 days of shots (3 a day), we had our retrieval on Tuesday. It went ok--in my head, it could've gone better, but our RE thinks it's great. They got 10 eggs, 8 of which were mature and ICSI'd, and 5 of them fertilized normally. Tomorrow morning we're going in to have (most likely) 2 embryos transferred back to me, and hopefully freezing the other 3.

For the mean time, I'm trying to stay calm while doing my progesterone in oil shots (worse than the other ones but still not too terrible) and taking a nauseating antibiotic. I'm nervous for the transfer and praying everything goes ok. I've felt pretty calm this entire cycle, but now all I can think about is how much time, money, emotion, effort, etc. we've invested in this cycle. I have faith that it will turn out how the Lord wants, but that's not necessarily the same as what I want. Here's hoping this month is finally my turn!