So, we're back from our vacation and no closer to deciding what to do about the donor sperm vs. IVF/ISCI decision we have to make. My OPK test turned positive Saturday afternoon, but we wouldn't be back home in time to do an IUI, so we just went au natural. Surprisingly, I feel really at peace either way. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like it would be the end of the world if I didn't get pregnant this month (but in 2 weeks maybe I'll feel differently!). Oh, and it's also kind of weird that we'll find out if I'm pregnant on the anniversary of our first date--isn't it so girly to keep track of stuff like that?
Anyway, my reason for posting is that when I blogged a few days ago about our last appointment, many of you mentioned how using donor sperm was just not for you, or how you didn't feel right about it given the Church's guidelines. From what I've heard, this seems to be very common among LDS couples--no one wants to use donor sperm. I'm never one to question personal revelation, so if you prayed about it and just got a "no", then that's one thing. But am I missing something else? Does anyone know why LDS couples, in particular, are really reluctant to use donor sperm?
Granted, I haven't thought about it all that long, and Brian and I still don't feel like we've been given a definitive answer one way or another to our prayers, but I don't see anything all that wrong with it. Sure, I can see the Church having a problem with men going off and donating sperm for money, or single women (or a lesbian couple, for that matter) opting to forgo marriage and a traditional family structure and using donor sperm to get pregnant on her/their own. But I don't know why, other than the Lord specifically answering a prayer, the Church would have a problem with a stable, married, heterosexual couple using donor sperm to help them multiply and replenish the earth.
A few weeks ago, we spoke to our bishop again about our fertility struggles. He was, of course, very kind and reassuring. I mentioned donor sperm as an option down the road, but he didn't mention anything about Church guidelines or caution us to beware of that option. I know he's been preoccupied lately with the declining health of his parents, so maybe he was distracted? I know that particularly in our ward, our bishop is especially busy with members whose needs are more urgent than ours (rent money, food, child care, etc.). I don't want to bother him yet again with something I could research on my own. Does anyone know where I could find these guidelines?
During the time we've been thinking and praying about this whole donor sperm thing, I know that there's something a bit lopsided and potentially unfair about us having a baby that is biologically 1/2 mine and possibly 1/2 a stranger's. But at the same time, I think (though having never had a child, I don't have a whole lot of perspective) that the experience of pregnancy and childbirth are fundamentally different for men and women. I think that for women, motherhood and that special bond begin at the moment she learns she's pregnant. I think that throughout the pregnancy, and subsequent childbirth and breastfeeding, that bond only intensifies. But I don't think it's the same for men--they don't feel anything inside of them growing, don't actually give birth, and don't breastfeed. So for them, I think until the baby has arrived, their job is more passive, and they're more responsible for sympathy and support. So what difference is there, really, for them if you have a baby naturally (who is one or both of yours biologically) or adopt a baby (who is, biologically, neither of yours)? Not a whole lot, other than not dealing with a pregnant or laboring wife. But for a woman, even though the end result is similar, you're missing out on a lot more.
I don't want to offend anyone who has adopted. I think adoption is truly inspired, and is a beautiful blessing for both the adoptive couple and the child. I think that the most important thing is that they're an eternal family, and how they came to be an eternal family is much less important. It's definitely something we've thought about, and if we exhaust our medical options, we will definitely be pursuing it. But I'm just not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding. And if our options are either using donor sperm or adopting a baby (rather than spending money on IVF) I think I want to at least try using donor sperm. Again, we're nowhere near a decision on this, I'm just putting my thoughts out there a soliciting everyone else's thoughts.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Donor Sperm Dilemma
Posted by Hillary at 11:33 AM
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8 comments:
Hillary,
I can't imagine what you are going through at this point. It seems like its all happening so fast for you. That would be such a hard decision. My heart aches for you and your husband. I really have no words because i haven't been there. I just want you to know that i think about you daily even thought i have never met you! Your such a wonderful person.
As always, you in our prayers!!
Sher
Hey Hillary,
I know that quite a few years back the Church discouraged donor sperm, but ultimately left the decision entirely up to the couple and encouraged prayer and fasting in the decision making. If your Bishop didn't mention anything to you, he likely feels that you guys are more than capable of making that decision on your own.
I do know a few couples that have opted for this route, and it was a success for them. It is certainly a personal decision left to husband and wife.
As for your question about LDS couples not being so gung-ho about the donor route, I think this also applies to a substantial portion of religious individuals and churches throughout the world.
Why? I don't really know, only that it is still highly controversial as far as the 'moral' aspect goes (similar to how people reacted to invitro for years, and sometimes still do today) and that stigma seems at times to still be in full force. It's sad that we allow others opinions (especially those who will never have to make such decisions) cloud our perspective and make us feel as though we're doing something wrong. It would be great to have a little more support and perhaps a little less judgement.
On that note - if it feels like a good choice for you guys, then don't let anyone else stand in your way. Just as we all have to be comfortable with our decisions, you too need to follow your heart and the spirit.
Our reasoning for not choosing this path was that it didn't feel right for us. I also didn't like the idea of having a child that looked like me and my ancestors, and knowing that others would be pointing that out constantly (Oh look, he has Keri's fat cheeks and squinty eyes!), and wondering how Ryan would feel knowing that his face was no where to be found.
As far as our adoption decision, I knew that our son wouldn't resemble either side, (though it is amazing how facial features and gestures start to mimic us) and I felt much more content about us both starting out on even ground without animosity or regret.
Do what you need to do to be happy in your life, and rest assured that this is one place where you will not be judged! Best of luck!
-Kerith
I think that it is just fine if you decide to do donor. In the end what you want is a child and to have a family. People in our situation do not have very many options, adn the ones we do have are very expensive. I totally understand your dilema. It really comes down to your husband and how he feels about it. Just remember that the end goal is to have a family no matter how it gets here. If donor is the answere for you and you both feel good about it...than that is how you will get your family here and there is nothing wrong with that. Even though you might have some concernces now just know that it all works itself out in the end. Going into adoption I still had lots of fears. It is completley okay to have those feelings. The only thing that matters is that you feel good about it. No matter what you do you have a lot of explaining to do. I even felt that way with IVF...that someday we would explain all of this to that child and it may be a little wierd to them. Of coarse with adoption there is lots to explain and I don't know yet how we will handle it all.We talk openly to them about it now but they are still young. Some day they will have a lot of questions. One thing I do know is that the Lord led us here and he will not leave us to do it on our own.
Our fertility Dr. is LDS and told us that the church was okay with donor. In my opinion it is up to you, your hubby and the Lord. I think this is a great option and deffinatly one to look into more. This is your trial and the cards you have been dealt. Know one can understand what you are facing unless they have been there. I have been there I know your pain and your frustration. Hang in there it will be over soon!
Thanks all, it's so nice to have such support and encouragement. We're still praying and deciding. My husband's boss is a stake president, so he decided to ask him what he thought. He read directly from the Church handbook that using "sperm from anyone other than the husband is strongly discouraged, but the decision should be left ultimately to the husband and wife." Either way, I plan on setting up a little appointment with our bishop to talk it through. I feel like we're still really far from reaching a decision one way or another, so it's nice to get input from everyone.
I am surprised by what the hand book said. Shows you how much I know and my Dr. for that matter. Keep your chin up you will know what is right. Keep us up dated.
Hillary I just want to wish you good luck. And let you know that my prayers are with you. I know that the lord will guide you in whatever you decide. I am sure it is a hard decision for you and your husband.
My sister and her husband tried doing the donor sperm (three times without success) about two years ago and when they talked to there bishop he told them that if they feel good about it, then go for it. The only thing that the church does not condone as far as fertility is concerned, is being a surrogate mother. I am surprised as to what your husbands boss said. Maybe things have changed in the last two years!!!!
Good luck and I hope that you come to a decision sooner rather than later so that you can have some peace. Let it be your choice and don't worry what others have to say.
Hillary,
This is my first post although I have read all the posts and feel like I have gotten to know each person posting. I haven't checked for a week or so, and am just catching up.
My husband and I have gone over the sperm donation thing as well. We first thought of it over four years ago and can tell you that at the time it wasn't right. Like Stacy I'm suprised at the quote from the church handbook. I was also under the impression that the church's only official stand was against surrogate mothering. Since the time we first considered it, we have adopted two boys, and have been chosen by a birthmother who is due with a girl in October. After that, we are pretty sure that we won't adopt again and as we have begun to think about other options for having kids, sperm donation has felt a lot better this go around.
Perhaps the thing that changed in my mind was realizing that our other babies have had "sperm donors" as well, and we have adopted them and loved them, and had them sealed to us, as if they were born to us. The only difference I can see with sperm donation is that you will be the birth mother, and your husband will the the father, the adopted father, and love the baby just like it was his own. I don't know if I'm expressing this well, but it made a lot of sense to me, and my husband has felt like this may be the direction we'll take down the road.
Best wishes with your decision. It is never easy, but I think you know better than anybody what decision is best for your future family.
I'll be thinking of you!
Kiersten
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