Im going to vent! Being gone with out my husband and having to buck up during camp and not be able to feel, i kind of shut myself off and blocked out the hurt that im feeling. Over the weekend, i found out that my cousin is pregnant with her 4th, my best friend from school just had her baby, my sister in law had her first ultra sound yesterday, got to hear her baby's heart beat for the first time, a girl in the next office is pregnant and she goes out to have a cigarette every hour. Right now i can't help but feel sorry for myself. Im at a point where im so sick of the longing and empty arms. Scared of the unknown. I feel so empty and scared that i'll have to endure this trial forver. I don't know how those of you have dealt with this for years have done it. Today i have been wondering..."Does Nick secretly resent me?", "Does the fact that my body isn't working like a "normal" womans body make him disgusted with me?", "Does he sit and think about the girls that he used to date and wonder if his life would have been easier?" Im feeling more and more inadiquate. My positivity has been hucked right out the window. Im so scared and i just want to hide in my bedroom and be alone. Not have any responsibilites. I know that i would go crazy. Sorry for the dark post, but i figure you understand so its all good!!:) Thanks girls!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
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6 comments:
Sher-
You're not alone, and I know your husband doesn't resent you or anything. These are just normal feelings, worries, and doubts that I guess come with the whole infertility package. It's so so so hard for me to watch other people get pregnant, especially when they don't appreciate it. Have faith that your trial will end soon. When I get back, I'm going to post on my own blog, or maybe this one, about a talk I gave recently in sacrament meeting and the research I did for it. I found some amazing, comforting stuff.
Until then, vent all you want and as much and as long as you need, and then go out and do something fun. I think that overall, the best thing to do when dealing with this is stay close to your husband and enjoy your life together the best you can. You're in our prayers!
Love,
Hillary
Sher,
Your hubby could never resent you for this trial, he's probably feeling just like you and wishing it would all disappear. It's rough when you're right in the thick of it, especially when you're working on bringing the first child into your family.
I honestly think the emotions are much worse the first time around... at least they were for me. I remember thinking that I would be the only 45 year old on the block without a child and still desperate for one.
You will get through this even though it seems impossible and never-ending, particularly when you're right in the middle and the strike-outs are piling up every month. I think it's great that you're so honest with your true feelings. That above all will keep you looking forward and hopeful of the future!
-Kerith
Kerith is right this will all be over some day and you can look back on it. I know that doesn't give you much comfort but take it from someone who has felt your pain. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and just crying for hours and not wanting to live. The night before we found out we were getting Cade I was in the depths of dispair. I cried like I have never cried before. My heart was broken and I could not take it anymore. I picked up my patriacle blessing ang read about the promise of my posterity. I was still so sad but I knew the Lord would bless me if I would just have faith in him. The next morning I woke up and still just felt so sad. I went to work and came home. I saw the agencies # on caller ID so I called them to see what they wanted. Sure enough they were calling to tell us that we had been chosen and that our baby boy was due in tow days. Now you can only emagine our joy. I will never ever forget that day and the many wondeful experiences we had as we welcomed Cade into our family. Miracles happen every day you just need to believe they can happen for you. I know it is hard but stay close to your Father in Heaven and know that he loves you and has a plan for you. It is hard to understand but some day it will make perfect sence. How I wish there was more I could do for all of you. I will say a prayer for you and Hillary tonight.
Sher vent all you need that is what we are hear for and i am sure you husband loves you just the same. And funny enough it tends to get a little easier every month but i will pray that you dont have to wait very long just hang in there and also know it is okay to have these feelings for the longest time i kept mine bottled up and it would just build and build so let it out sister
Hey there!
I can share with you the opposite side of things. DH is the infertile one (as far as we know) of our relationship. Although, there has never been a doubt in my mind that we don't share the infertility. I married him for him, and not his sperm:)
There are two things you could do right now, completely pull away from the one who promised to stand by your side for eternity, or really lean on each other. No one know quite what you are going through, and I imagine he is the next best thing.
Now, go and buy yourselves your favorite Ben and Jerry's, and know that tomorrow is going to be a better day. The ups and downs of infertility are a serious roller coaster.
Im so sorry about the trials your going through sherydon. It must be so hard. Have faith that it will happen when it is meant to. Dont give up on having a baby. Im sure God has a plan all set out for ya, He's just waiting for the right moment in your lives.
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