Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The good and the bad...

So Brian and I went in today for our day 12 ultrasound, and received some mixed news.

The good:

--The appointment was with OUR doctor, not the beasty woman doctor who I had last time...she was horrid!
--He wasn't concerned about the possible endometriosis the other doctor thought she saw. He said it was likely a cyst on my left ovary, but because that ovary was clearly producing eggs, he didn't see any reason to worry or think about anything more invasive, like surgery, yet.
--The Clomid is working great, even on the lowest dose...maybe even too great. I had 4 good eggs this time plus 1 so-so, and my uterine lining was thicker than last time (apparently it was a bit too thin last time, but the other doctor failed to tell me). Because there were 4 good quality eggs, he said our risk of having 3 or more babies is about 3%, which is low, but if we were worried, next time I could take a 1/2 dose. Yeah right, aside from medical complications, I'd be on cloud 9 if I had 3 babies!
--Because everything seems to be in order, we don't need to do any more day 12 ultrasounds unless we decide to do IVF/ICSI. Yay! That's a $200 savings each time!

The bad:
--Brian's sperm quality is not improving...in fact, it looks even worse. He put our odds of pregnancy at about 7% per cycle, compared with 20% for a normal couple either conceiving naturally or through IUI. While Brian tried to remind me that that it's just down 13% from normal couples, I still think: "if you told a cancer patient they had a 7% chance of living,would he or she be excited? Um, no!"
--If I don't get pregnant within the next 2 cycles, our doctor wants us to pick between either a mix of Brian's sperm with donor sperm, or IVF with ICSI. What an agonizing decision! On one hand, using donor sperm makes it likely that the baby wouldn't be Brian's, which is really hard for him, and the odds would be 20% at best. But it's also much cheaper than IVF. On the other hand, with IVF/ISCI, the odds are 60% and we'd use Brian's sperm, but it's $12,000. And our insurance covers zilch.
--If we have to go with 1 of those 2 options, we have to decide relatively quickly, since both of them take about 6 weeks from decision to procedure. Oh, and either way we have to pay for lots more tests and crap like that.
--If I don't get pregnant within the next 2 cycles, our doctor says he might then be concerned about egg quality...which means we'd have to do laparascopic surgery to see if taking care of the endometriosis improves their quality. But at least for now, especially since my right ovary looks good, he thinks my egg quality is probably fine.

So, anyway, I know this is probably much more information than anyone wanted. But in a way it's therapeutic for me to organize my thoughts like this. I think that for the first time today, when I saw how difficult this news was for Brian, I realized that I've been kind of selfish throughout this whole infertility thing. For the most part, I've only thought about how this makes ME feel, how much I want a baby, how hard this is for ME, how sick I am of waiting, etc. While we're both facing the possibility that we might never have children, Brian's facing an increasing likelihood that if we do have children, he won't be biologically involved. We've talked a lot about how many adoptive couples we know have said that they worried about this too, and in the end it really doesn't matter because the baby is yours and you love him/her so much, regardless of biology. But I still think there's something innately difficult about facing the fact that your body isn't capable of doing what it was meant to do. I've made a big deal about any potentially negative results or information I've gotten about my own body, when in reality things with me are mostly okay. With Brian, it seems that he just gets one piece of bad news after the other. I really need to work on being less selfish and more sensitive to his feelings. And as for whether to use donor sperm, of course we'll pray about it and I'll offer advice, but ultimately I want the decision to be his. I want and need him to feel good about whatever choice we make (and obviously me too).

Anyway, hopefully something will work out for us before we have to face all these difficult decisions. Either way, we're off tomorrow morning to Jackson Hole with my fam to get away. Happy early weekend to everyone!

P.S. I decided to go to the shower, but if I find myself feeling overwhelmed, I'm leaving early. :)

4 comments:

Sherydon said...

Hillary, that is alot of information to take in. Im so sorry about the bad news. You are not the only one that had been selfish. I finally got my husband to open up after Trents post. But its good that we acknowledge it so that we can change. Great news about your eggs though. Way to go!:) Good luck with your decisions!! You always have my prayers!!Sher

Keri said...

Hey Hillary,

Yikes. That really is the good, the bad, AND the ugly. Deciding on the right choice is probably the most difficult deed to accomplish. Ryan and I spent countless hours talking about options, and in the end it seemed like Adoption was our one sure thing. That is a decision we have never, ever regretted.

The IVF is expensive. There is no doubt about that... and there is a risk involved. But the payoff can be wonderful too.

The donor sperm is a touchy one for me. Ultimately, it is the decision of the couple. I do know that the church has guidelines, you guys might want to talk with your Bishop about them. (You may have already.)
I guess my biggest reason for not going down this road was that I felt that if we could not get pregnant together as a couple, that it wouldn't be fair for me to create a child that is biologically mine, but not his.

That decision led us to the right one for us, which was adoption.

Whatever you choose, whether it be IVF, Donor, or possibly adoption, I truly believe that you will feel at peace with your decision and know that it was the right one.

I'll be praying for you guys, that you will be inspired and courageous.

-Kerith

Jon & Kim said...

This is the hardest decision you will probably ever make. We also were given the option of donor. We came to the decision that if it could't be both of us than we did'nt want it to be either of us. This is such a personal dicsion. I have friends who are still talking about donor after adopting two boys. So it is right for some and not for others. It makes it extra hard because it is the man. I feel so bad for your hubby. I know mine silently suffered while being there for me. I am so grateful to him for the love and compasion he has given me thruogh the hardest trial we have ever faced.

It totally sucks that IVF is so expensive. We would be doing it again if we could afford it. But if it comes down to it and that is what feels right we will spend the money and do it. Don't know where the money will come from but we will find it! Our IVF we just did cost us $14,000.00. That included prior testing and ICSI.We have also decided to put our papers in again for adoption which would coast us $10,000.00 and is not an easy road either. It will take about 3 months to get all of that done and be approved. I am dreading it to be honest.

Here is my advise...take it or leave it-
I would do both. Work on adoption and getting pregnant. This is something I wish so badly I had done the first go around and this last time when we did IVF. It took us 6 months from the time we finally decided to adopt untill we were aproved the first time. That is just too long when you want a baby TODAY! I know this is all so overwhelming but give yourselves as many options as possible. (Not that there are tons) Maybe even call up and see when the education classes start if you are planning on going through LDS? They requier you to take classes which is so nice. It gives you a heads up for what you are in for. It would also help you decide if this is for you. I know just one more thing to add to your plate. Just think about how you feel about each option and go with what feels the most right. There are no gurantees with anything but you at least have to try. I don't regret for one second that we spent the money and did IVF. After all it is just money ...what good is it if we can't take it with us. Now a baby that is priceless and it will be with us for eternity!!!!!

I know the whole biological thing is so hard. Trust me it was for me. Now I just laugh that I ever felt that way. All I wanted was to be a Mother and now I am to the two most adorable little boys I could have ever hoped for.One thing to remember is how much you love your husband and he is not biologically connected to you! Good Luck with what ever you decide. My heart aches for you, truely I feel your pain and it is so hard to understand why it has to be so hard. Even though I would love to have another child and my heart is broken over our failed IVF it is nothing like it was when we had no kids. Just know that when that baby gets here your joy will be greater than you could have ever imagined. Hang in there girl the blessings will come.

Rebecca said...

Wow! I feel like I am stepping into 6 years ago! (except you have gone medically a little bit farther than we did)
When we found out that we had a 0% (yep, there is such a thing) chance of getting pregnant on our own, we decided to stop there. The heartbreak of not having biological children was hard enough. I don't think I could have emotionally handled all the other lists of things they wanted to try! As far as a donor sperm, we came to the same conclusions as Kim and Jon. It wasn't right for us.
We put all our eggs into the adoption basket. We knew that medically our chances were about zilch for fertility treatments, but our chances were 100% with adoption, if we endured the wait. What it boils down to, is what you and Brian feel is right to add to your family. With time, patience, and lots of prayers you will know.