Thursday, July 17, 2008

I just need to get it out!

Okay so I am so sick of it. My mom calls me tonight as she says to break some bad news to me so I know someone is pregnant so I just make it simple for her and say who is pregnant this time and she tells me it is my cousin that just graduated from high school in May. Really what the heck I just cant handle it anymore I mean I have a lot of faith and I feel like I always choose the right but yet why can I not get pregnant. Me and my husband could give a child such a good life I am just so sick of it. Just so this makes more sense in April my sister let me know she was pregnant as well again unmarried and just graduated in May and I didnt talk to her or my family for about a month. Not that I mad at my mom or dad just need time to breath(I know I sound selfish) I know that me and gabe adopting is what we are meant to do this time around but I just dont get why these people can get pregnant like that and have to be in my family. AHHHH! I am so upset and it really just is UNFAIR. Thanks ladies for letting me vent. It just feels good to get it out. My mom is great but sometimes just doesnt really get it.

5 comments:

Hillary said...

Stef--

I won't say I know exactly how you feel, because no one can really know how someone else feels and responds emotionally to stuff like this. However, I can definitely empathize. My mom got pregnant with all 4 of her children each time on her first month of trying. For the past 2-3 years, she just tells me to "relax" and it will happen. Um, no, there's a medical reason why I'm not pregnant...no amount of my being "relaxed" will change that!

On the other hand, my sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law go on and on about what a pain it is/was to have to worry about getting pregnant all the time and how they are such "fertile Myrtles".

Finally, my husband's cousins have problems similar to your family. Two of them have gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and smoke and drinky regularly. Another one got married less than 6 months out of high school, is 21 years old now, has never had a job, and is about to have her second child. It makes me want to scream!

I know that on some level it's not healthy to feel angry and jealous. But these are very real emotions that are really just a byproduct of the emotional pain you're in. Someone explained it to me by saying that this isn't you and isn't how you would normally respond. Think about it: would you really care all that much about your sister or cousin if you were pregnant yourself? Probably not.

Hang in there! I know it sucks! Sometimes it's nice to be able to vent, especially since husbands can kind of get sick of it after a while (at least mine sure does). Even though it's hard, have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for you, and it will be carried out at the proper time.

Love,
Hillary

Jon & Kim said...

Jon would always say to me "our trial is NOT being able to get pregnant...their trial is BEING able to get pregnant. This will not be easy for either of them, just as your trial is not easy for you. Don't you just wish you could knock some sense into them and make them realize what a big deal it is to have a baby. Hang in there girl things will get better!

Dan and Stacy said...

I 100% feel your pain and your anger!! Dan's oldest sister told us she was pregnant on my birthday, then told us she was pregnant a second time just before Dan's birthday, Dan's younger sister told us she was pregnant on Mother's day, Dan's younger brother told us his ex-girlfriend (they slept together because they were board) was pregnant on Father's day. Every single one of them UNMARRIED!!!! Now on my side of the family, I have three cousin's that have done the same thing. My mom just chose to tell me about them on a non-holiday or birthday's (still hurt like crazy). All of these have happened at different times over the last Twelve years. Believe me Stef, I wanted to scream and yell at every single one of them too. We did distance ourselves from most of them and I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but it was how we were able to cope. There is however one good thing that came from all of this (other than all of our sweet nephews ---yes all boys) I was able to go into the delivery room with Dan's oldest sister and watch her deliver her son. Dan and I had found out about a year and a half earlier that we would never have biological children so when Dan's sister asked if I would come in with her I jumped at the chance. I knew that would be my only chance to ever see a baby being born. It was pretty amazing and I am still really glad that I was able to do that. Hang in there Stef. Right now your anger is right on the surface, but it will start to subside. Believe me!!!!!!!!!! If you need to talk, call me, or stop by. Sometimes it just takes saying your feelings out loud to someone who really understands (Mom's are great but don't always understand this kind of pain).

Keri said...

Hey Stef,

I wish I could tell you that I know how you feel. For some reason, it has never bothered me when others around me get pregnant. (I'm either quite well adjusted or in total denial.) Please don't hate me for it.

But I do have an experience to share:

I remember sitting at a pharmacy while waiting for a prescription to be filled and a man walked in with three very young girls in tow. The girls all had beautiful blonde hair and big brown eyes. As I sat watching them, I witnessed their Dad call them horrific names, slap them, and all manner of disgusting behavior. We left at the same time, and I watched as he put his girls into the vehicle. The last girl wasn't listening so the man took her by the hair, hit her forehead on the car window, and then shoved her into the car.
I ran over and told him that he was a miserable human being and had no idea what a gift he had been given. I also spouted off about contacting DCFS and even took his license plate number.

His response?

He laughed, then chose some pathetic words from his miniscule vocabulary and uttered them in my general direction.

That was the one time in my life that I was fully enraged that someone else had children and I could not. I felt so sorry for those beautiful little girls and was so baffled by the injustice in our world.
I also realized that the whole "life isn't fair" thing was all too true.

But through that experience I finally gained a solid understanding and true belief that bad things happen to good people all the time.

Infertility isn't our fault any more than Autism or Cancer or MS can be blamed on the recipient. It would be imprudent to think such a thing. It's just what we've been dealt, and sometimes it sucks.

I appreciate your honesty with your feelings and wanting to share here with us. Keep your chin up and know that one day, things will all make sense. (Though I don't ever expect that to happen while I'm alive... would be nice though.)

Have faith and keep with your path and no one will be able to take your happiness from you. Good luck!

-Kerith

Beck said...

Okay, so I am definitely not as well-adjusted as Kerith, because even with my little girl (adopted), I still struggle when people- especially unmarried relatives- suddenly turn up pregnant. I don't mind as much when I know that it is someone who has grappled with infertility, but it can still hurt. I think I struggle because I feel that some people really do not understand what a precious gift they've been given...
But on the flip side, I think that those of us who have struggled to start our families have a better understanding/appreciation of the value of our children. I know that I have a deeper faith in God because of the horrible things I have experienced in my journey to motherhood. Hang in there. I know it's tough.