I am not really sure that I belong on this blog as I have been blessed with a beautiful nine month old daughter and another baby on the way. But, I have several reasons why I find this blog to be special and a great resource.
I personally can't relate to the inability to conceive - my problem is I have a difficult time staying pregnant. I have lost 3 babies to miscarriages, and beautiful tiny son born at 20 weeks and lived for 10 minutes. My 4th pregnancy resulted in a beautiful little girl born a month early and I am currently on my 5th pregnancy with another little girl due in September. With these last two pregnancies I have spent 60% of them on full bed rest, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and over 40 hospitalizations due to insulin dependent diabetes, pre-clamsia, and pre-term labor. Today at the dr.'s we were told that they will deliver this baby in 3 weeks in order to make sure she makes it here and to stop further problems with of health. The doctor also informed us that we shouldn't have another baby because of the major health issues that arise when I am pregnant. It's a huge blow, that I know many of you know all to well - when you realize that the family you always imagined isn't to be. I am indeed grateful to have the two babies that I have - but I always pictured a bigger family.
Anyhow enough of that - but another reason I find this blog to be so helpful is that I have a sister and a sister in law who have not been able to conceive at all. It makes it so very difficult to be the pregnant sister to these beautiful women - as I don't know what to say to them when I get pregnant, I don't feel that I can complain about the problems I face when I am pregnant, in many ways I feel that I can't be real with them. I miss my sisters and wish that I could call and confide to them, but I know that it just hurts them.
Infertility not only affects those who are trying to have a baby, but all of those around them. As family members or friends we feel like we are walking on egg shells when it comes to announcing a baby, or planning that shower, or milestones that happen. We feel like jerks if we say anything, yet we feel like jerks if we don't include them - it really is a lose lose situation for all. Any suggestions from the group on how to handle these awkward situations?
Lastly, I should mention that I am therapist and that for a couple of years I worked with LDS family services. I have specifically worked with birth mothers and fathers. The process of adoption and selecting adoptive families is truly a spiritual one. Adoption is a gift from heaven for all parties involved.
Anyhow, I hope you don't mind me sharing - Thanks.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Random Questions
Posted by Rachel Doyle at 9:51 PM
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9 comments:
Rachel- Im always amazed by how im feel sorry for myself and then i realize that my trial is nothing compared to what you and others have faced. I firmly believe that it would me much harder to get pregant and miscarry or lose the baby than to not know pregnancy and the love that comes with it. You are so lucky to have your girls but i can't imagine how hard it was to hear you shouldn't have more.
Regarding including the "infertile sisters" don't walk around on eggshells. My sister in law is preg and her sis and i are both struggling with infertility, she called her sister to find out how to tell me because she thought it was going to "eat" her. her sister told her to pull me aside before she announced to the family so that the shock would be gone and it wouldn't be an awkward moment. She didn't listen and announced on father's day with a "worlds greatest grandpa" shirt. I lost it and had to leave the room. I had just found out that my iui didn't work and that was the last thing i wanted to hear. I have decided it much easier to be included and enjoy other peoples blessings that being bitter (never mind the below post). If im not included then i feel like inadequate im yet another way. Just don't complain about your pregnancy or children. We would give our lives for one day of what you have regardless of how hard parenting is. I get so sick of people saying,"you wanna adopt some kids?", "here take these kids for night, good birth control".
Be sensitive and try to understand what their going through instead of acting like its not happening!!
Rachel
I think you might be down playing your situation just a little bit. I think you have every reason to post on this blog. And now the news that you may have to be done with your family. Which would be fine if it was your decision to be done...what is hard is that choice has been taken from you. I also have two beautiful children through adoption and I am gratful every day I have them. But it is still hard knowing I would love more and can't get them here. How devastating to have lots three babies and especially one at 20 weeks. That is such a difficult thing to go through. I can't emagine your anxiety each time you get pregnant.
I understand your situation with your sisters. And honestly it may not be normal until they have a child of their own. The only advise is to be open and honest with them. Like Sherydon said tell them first when you are going to announce. It seems like immediatley all eyes are on you after an announcement to see how you handle it. It makes it awkward and hard to hold it together. By no means should you feel guilty or feel like you have to walk on egg shells. Just be a little more sensitive. And they should do the same for you. Even though what they are going through is hard yours is just as hard. I have learned through my life that we all have trials even though they may be different they are still so hard and we are struggle to know how to deal with them. The best thing is to try and be honest and let them know you are thinking of them. They are in a hard place right now and may not realize how difficult your trial is. We would all go through what you have gone through if it meant having a family. Having said that it would not be easy!!!! Thanks for sharring your thoughts. It was hard at the time but I now realize how much everyone really did care they just didn't know how to say or show it.....although they tried hard. It is a sad and depressing time for your sisters and it takes so much just to get through the day. Don't be scared of them or feel like you have to walk on egg shells that just makes it more awekward. Just be there for them the best way you can.
Thanks again for this post and good luck with your baby!!! How exciting to have two little girls!
Rachel,
You're always welcome on this blog, and miscarrying is a huge infertility struggle, so you certainly do belong.
I can't imagine the loss of a child and how difficult the attempt to heal would be afterward.
As Sherydon said, I think that continually miscarrying would be much more devastating than never being pregnant.
As far as how to approach relatives that are struggling with the infertility thing while you're pregnant... drum roll please - I would treat them just the same as everyone else.
(I know, I know, I'm not too popular for saying that out loud... Please don't string me up and whack me like a Pinata ladies!)
My reasoning is this - You are pregnant. That is something that everyone here would love! As such, I feel that you have a right to celebrate and be happy and joyful about your situation.
In truth, if any of us were to become pregnant, we would all jump for joy and scream it from the rooftops. And then, we would expect that every family member and friend would share in that joy with us.
But how would we feel knowing that we caused someone else to feel like they had to hide their joy from us, and then suddenly we're requiring that exact person to turn around and celebrate in our honor, when we couldn't even return the favor?
I was always excited when Sisters and In-laws were pregnant, because it's something that is beautiful and wonderful for their families, and it is such a monumental moment in a person's life.
But I didn't appreciate it when they thought they couldn't talk about it with me, and when I could sense that they were trying to talk it down. I would never do myself such a disservice.
I want everyone to be happy for my family when god things happen - raises, new homes, trips, and so on. Whether they choose to is entirely up to them, just as our happiness for others is a choice only we can make.
That being said - there is something called tact. No one likes a braggart. We need to be sensitive to others who have not been given the things that we have, but are desirous of them. Flaunting is not nice. I think we need to remember this in all facets of our lives.
Be happy, be grateful for your gift, and don't be ashamed or afraid to show it. You cannot control how others will react. That decision is entirely their own.
I agree with Kerith. For us part of the trial is seperating our sadness from others joy. Yes be tactfull but by no means be ashamed or feel like you need to down play such a miracle in your life. It is not hard when people like you get pregnant it is hard sometimes when those we feel don't deserve or appreciate it get pregnant. Your sisters are lucky to have someone who is so concerned. I remember finding out my sister-in-law was pregnant from my mom. I DID understand why she thought she couldn't tell me herslef but it really hurt me. I thought "am I that big of a mess that she is scared to tell me that she is pregnant"? So yes be sensitive but don't treat them differently.
Each of us rects so differently to the news that someone is pregnant, that handling members of your family that are dealing with infertility would have to be based on the individuals involved.
My family handled my inability to deal with anything "baby" very well: I was still invited to baby showers, but my mom ran interference for me. I would contribute to a gift with my mom and sisters (or if it was for a friend, I'd just send a gift card), and if anyone asked, my mom just made an excuse for me not attending. (It helped that I was trying to keep myself busy.) Most family members would pull me aside to tell me before they made a big announcement so that I wouldn't have to be in the room if I couldn't handle it that particular day - which I appreciated so much! I mean, there's nothing like having a family member start sobbing right after you announce you're pregnant. YIKES.
For me, I didn't start reacting in anger to other's announcements until it came to one of my sisters-in-law challenging me to a race to see who could become pregnant faster. Then reacting in anger to stupid things people said when it came to pregnancy (or conception for that matter) became a habit. It is still hard for me not to be bitter (in the cases of unmarried relatives) and less than that, just jealous of women who get to experience all of the ups and downs of pregnancy- although, I must say that there are definite benefits to adoption: no Post-partum, saggy boobs or stretch marks! :)
I agree with Kerith that we are the only ones who can control our happiness, but it can be difficult to separate our self-worth from our infertility. After all, we've been taught all through YW to be mothers and the church encourages us to be stay-at-home moms when we grow up, so what kind of woman am I if I can't have children? I always thought I was worthless. I fortunately was able to work through my feelings of inadequacy with a BRILLANT therapist, and now, although the announcements stir some sadness inside of me because of the loss of a dream, I am finally able to be okay with most of them.
Rachel,
You are an amazing person to be going through this extremely hard trial of your own and yet still be so thoughtful and caring of your sisters. They are very lucky to have you as a sister. Good luck on your new baby, and I hope everything goes well and you both stay healthy through it all.
I concur with what the previous ladies have said on helping your sisters. Don't make them the last ones to find out, don't complain about being pregnant (on the other hand it would be good for you to talk to them and tell them that you too need somebody to talk to about all that you have to deal with in your very difficult pregnancies), and never ever ever complain about having children. Yes...children are very difficult, but that is what each and every one of us wants--to "deal" with our very own children.
Good luck on your new addition and I hope that you have great family and friends to talk to to help you through your own trial of infertility.
Stacy
Rachel
Welcome and thanks for posting your thoughts. Please feel free to post anytime, your words are true gems.
I think sometimes as the "only one who doesn't have a child" syndrome sets in I don't want to be skirted around. There have been some good suggestions here.
I applaud you for asking "how can I make it better?", most family members don't.
Prayers are with you for the rest of your pregnancy!
I have to say I really appreciate this post. My situation is very similar to yours. I can get pregnant, I just have a hard time staying that way. I lost my first through pre-term labor at 24 weeks. She lived 5 minutes. Next, I miscarried. My third child was born at 26 weeks, weighing 1 lb.1oz.. and is now a healthy 6 year old. My fourth, went all the way to 36 weeks!!!! Was born by scheduled c-section then, like you- to prevent any problems. She is now 3 and has struggled with cerebral palsy since about six months old.
I came to this blog just to check it out, not really sure what I would find. I thought I'd just lurk, because you're right. We don't necessarily fit in to the infertile category, but I feel like I can empathize with it because I don't fit into the 'normal' fertile category either.
People (without fertility issues) are so amazed when they hear the stories about my living children. With so many things that can go wrong with pregnancy, whether it's getting pregnant at all, or the plethora of problems that can come up during pregnancy- I think just getting pregnant and having a normal healthy baby is the most amazing thing of all.
anyways....I guess I just wanted to say thanks for sharing.
Hi Rachel,
As far as I'm concerned, anyone's welcome on this blog! As for your question about how to deal with those around you struggling with infertility, I think it really depends on who those people are and what your relationship is with them. The thing is, something wonderful has happened to you, and someone else's sadness shouldn't interfere with or hinder your ability to celebrate it. However, I think that a little sensitivity would go a long way. For me, I always appreciate it when a sister-in-law or other family member lets me know before the big family announcement. I like it when whoever it is calls me (for some reason I like this better than face-to-face) and lets me know beforehand, so when we're in a huge group and whoever it is wants to share her big news, I'm not shocked or caught offguard. I appreciate the sensitivity and forethought; that way, even though I should be happy either way, I'm already prepared and won't let my personal grief get in the way of someone else's awesome news.
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